But I'm nowhere close to being done.
This game of chess between my mind and my mouth doesn't end.
So I write it down here.
Maybe 50 more and I'll be done.
Not likely.

I see you in so many other things
Other people
Your face still smiling at me
Ready to take me into your arms.
But that isn't you.
That's not what you ever were.
Please go away.

When I starred myself down in the mirror and said
"I can't, it won't, it couldn't"
It felt wrong.

I have hope that one day
One day I'll be happy
I'm getting there, I know I am
Day by day my smiles grow more genuine.
I'm starting to remember things like "you didn't deserve me".
And "you don't have to just have this you can get help".
I'm getting better
I know I am.
I know that one day, possibly soon I'll lay down and close my eyes and you won't be the only thing I ******* see.
This thing that stuck you in my head is letting go and *******, does it feel good.
I'm slowly starting to be a human being again and not just a stupid pile of obsessive thoughts, all started because you look good in a red dress.
I'll be happy.
You can't change that.

She looked so beautiful without me next to her

I have so many memories triggered by music.
I see everything flashing before my eyes with every note.
I see album covers in desk drawers in a house I haven't seen in years.
I see that one Saturday we grilled out in the front yard.
It all sounds like a different time.
It sounds so sweet.
When the chorus hits I see a different state.
Texas heat and Friday night drives, just to get away for a while.
I see so many things that are so far away now.
It all sounds so close though.
It sounds like it just happened.
Like two other houses.
Like three years of middle School.
It sounds like home.
And it sounds so good.

I just want to sleep why can't I forget about her already
I don't care about her lips or her arms around me anymore
Please, just let me go.
I talk to this mirror too much they think I'm crazy
I yell and scream at myself to just quit already
I'm so annoyed at this person who's only in my head
At these people who are only in my mind
At these ******* thoughts that only sound like an extremely angry swarm of bees at night.
I just want to be done with you.
I just want you to realize how much you hurt me.
How good I had it when I had you.
How quiet everything was because I could always look foreword to your texts.
How soft my bed was when the lingering feeling of the kiss you gave me that morning lulled me to sleep every night.
How much I've been arguing with myself because I don't agree with me.
I hate you so much but you just don't deserve it.
I want to love myself but I just, don't, deserve it.
I still check my phone every morning, 8 months later.
I still secretly hope I'll see you at the super market over by your house and you'll try to talk to me.
I still look at that picture you gave me and scoff like a disappointed father at a little league game.
I want so much for you, I want the best for you.
But I don't want to keep thinking that you were the best for me.