I don't feel the way I use to
I feel like someone new
I feel so different now.
Years ago I would never dreamed I'd get here
Out of hell, even if it's only for a little bit.
I may not like myself, but I can learn to.
I can try and be better now
I can make it better now.
I'm stronger than I know.
Braver than I could believe.
I don't feel the way I use to.
Because I feel better now.

It's hard to pinpoint the day it all changed.
I can clearly remember my parents in each other's arms.
Somewhere they started to climb a number of steps before finding the one to settle on.
Stepmom. Stepdad.
New words for the vocabulary.
It isn't a bad thing its just change.
Change hits like a truck.
Before it happens there's a moment of bliss.
A period of years that are unabashedly happy
Then it's there.
What happened before is the past.
The nights spent at friends houses.
Endless hours spent playing stupid video games to get away from school.
What happened before is gone now.
I can hope I'm not too.

One two three
the foot work is rather difficult
One two three
I'll let you lead this time
One two...lost it
It's okay we'll start again
One...Where are you going?
One two three
This is ******* my own
One...two three
I think I can get this by myself
One...Two...Three...
The music stopped a while ago
The band went home
You left without a word
One...
Two...
Three...
I can't...

There's a lot I want to say
Like I feel....
Or how you made me....
My mind overflows but my mouth is dry
I just want to be....
Right now I'm not....
Words don't work like Webster says
They trip me up in a net made of misspoken things
Like how I'm....
Or how I just wish I could say....

Dear home,
I'm writing this letter to catch up with you.
How are you? I'm well, for now.
Things were pretty dark, but I'm going somewhere new soon.
Maybe I'll find you there? I use to think you were here but, not so much anymore.
I wish I could see you now. All these memories, all the good times.
I don't know why you left or when really, but I hope you're well.
I've grown up so much, and not just because of the beard.
I've learned about all sorts of things, love, life, friends and family.
I have an idea of who I am, just not where yet.
I hope you're been well, you were always so good to me.
I have to go now, but before I do there's just one thing.
I miss you, so much.
Maybe I'll find you again soon.
With love, Me.

I write a lot of them
My mind thinks in bursts
So I'm sorry for the format
I bounce back and forth between sad happy and angry
I just want to document it while it's here

She took so much away from me.
My senior year of high school.
A year and a half of my time.
She took the love I gave and put it in the garbage.
I took it all to heart
I tried to **** myself
but here I am.
You there, reading this poem it will get better
It will look up
The storm will clear
Or if your like me and find comfort in storms
It will continue, or rain again some other day.
You will smile again
You will sleep easy again
Dear reader you will be you again
I just don't know when.
It's awful, the feeling.
Having the things I do is like a grocery list
Depression, check
OCD, check
Now heartbreak, check.
But dear reader I say this
I've improved
I find it hard to cry at her picture anymore
I get angry
I beat my fists on my table but it subsides much sooner than crying did.
Dear reader you will be better.
Write poems
Draw art
Go to that karaoke bar and sing your ******* heart out
Dear reader, it isn't worth your life to be miserable.
I'm moving to Oregon in a few weeks.
The scenery is so beautiful.
More beautiful than she could ever hope to be.
It snows there.
I'll feel at home among the cold because I like it that way.
My heart is broken but my will to fight isn't
It never will be.
The world is cursed and stupid
But we find reasons to keep going.
Dear reader, Dear me, it get's better.
Just keep living.