I wasn't always sad.
I'd like to think one day I'll be able to sing lovingly to someone again.
That I'll cook a meal for two.
We'll sit on a hill on a cold winter night and look at the stars.
I wanna be spun around by my lips for a kiss.
I want to be punched in the face by love poems.
I want to be held at gunpoint with romance as the threat.
I'll do it all with you, stranger who I don't know yet.
You'll warm this heart of mine again.
I just don't know it.

I was talking with my grandmother the other day.
I told her I wasn't feeling myself lately, and I wasn't sleeping well.
I told her I was sad and didn't know what to do.
I ended my statements with "But it's okay."
She said in a low worried tone "No it isn't."
I was taken back, but shook it off.
A few days later my mother asked me if anything was bothering me.
I said "Yes, but it's okay"
She said "No it's not."
Again I stopped in my tracks to contemplate this.
But again, I shrugged it off.
In one of my classes I was talking about suicide to a friend of mine.
I told her no one really cared, that life would go on.
To prove a point I turned to another friend of mine next to me.
I said "I want to **** myself, you don't care right? It's fine"
He was shocked.
he told me"I'm a little concerned, it isn't fine."
I was silent the rest of the class.
I had to think of how twisted my perception of the word "Okay" was.
So many people actively told me "Please stop doing this to yourself"
I couldn't listen.
I developed such a low regard for myself as a human being, saying things like "I want to die" and "If I don't **** myself first" were second nature.
I no longer saw suicide as something I had to be pushed to do.
But as something that would inevitably happen on it's own, unconsciously.
But it's okay.
It's okay.
I could say that so many times and never believe it.
Because it isn't.

"I use to think the world was so beautiful.
I use to look at stars with wonder and awe.
Thinking how beautiful the world would look from their perspective.
Still, among the backdrop of empty nothingness.
I use to think the grass was greener right beneath me.
That this world we built was so vibrant.
I put up castle walls and donned my armour to protect us.
But then you left.
You brought the walls down from the inside on top of me.
My armour dented, my weapon dulled.
The grass is brown and withered.
The stars no longer make me wonder of a future life.
But make me wonder of how death would bring me to them.
My whole world burned that day.
My whole world disappeared that day.
Every day before ,I wanted to tell the whole world, my whole world how much I loved you.
But I did every day ,because all I had to do to tell my whole world that I loved you,
Was whisper it in your ear."

I'm trying so hard

It's easy to forget how I fell in love with you.
All I can remember is the things about you that haunt me.
I forget about what I fell for.
Who you were before I knew you.
You were a stranger but the most beautiful one to me.
Now I'll try to fall in love with other strangers
But I don't not know them like I didn't know you.
They'll never be you.
I wish I could forget you to meet you again.
In someone else.

I hate the sun
I hate traffic
I hate spicy food
I hate myself
I hate my thoughts
But I can't bring myself to hate you

Smile
Wave
Pass
She came and went
Smile
Wave
Pass
She never really cared
Smile
Wave
Pass
She walks by you like any other stranger
Smile
Wave
Pass
You want to tell her so bad
Smile
Stop
Forget
Pass