Moe: Poems

386 · May 2018

Moe May 2018

Pain isn't always sharp and piercing
Sometimes
It is a dull ache
A still knife in your body
One you think is gone until it twists
And fresh pain shoots through every nerve
Raw
Sharp
Forcing you to vividly relive again and again the cause of your pain
You'd think after the 12th time it wouldn't hurt as bad
You would get more used to it
You would start to adjust to it
You would get over it
But every time the knife twists---

178 · May 2018

Fault Lines

Moe May 2018

Fault Lines

I'm splitting
Cracking
Falling apart
Tightly wrapping masking tape around the cracks in my mind
Telling myself out loud
over and over and over again
"You will be alright, just be alright"
While my sub conscious screams at me to run run run

I think I am just cold
And that's why I'm shaking
But it's a lie I tell myself to keep from staring the truth in the face:
I'm breaking
Mentally
Emotionally
But I can't think that,
so
I'm cold
Wrap the tape tightly, maybe this time it will hold better
Don't delve into the actual problem,
{what problem? There's no problem!}
Don't try to fix it
{hey, you are okay, you have it good! Quit thinking there is an issue, you are being dramatic}
Push it down, deep deep down, don't let it surface.
Lock up these negative emotions.
You can fix cracks with tape, right?
But these aren't cracks, they are fault lines and my earth is shaking and moving, breaking these open and no amount of tape is ever going to stop it.
Hush hush hush
You are fine you are okay.
You are fine
You are okay

164 · May 2018

Words

Moe May 2018

Words

Words
What are words
They are a way to tell the world what your thinking
But only if you say what your soul is really thinking
Too often we don't say
We don't tell the world
We don't even tell those that love us
Why
Why don't we say
Maybe we don't want to admit it to ourselves
Maybe we are ashamed
Mad that these thoughts hang over us
Damp
Dark
Dangerous
Worried that if we name them they will
claim us
Mark us
Use us
Trap us
And as much as we don't want to banish these thoughts and fight them off
We are more afraid of being trapped
So
We ignore them
Block them out
Refuse help
Because
Although we dislike our problem
It has latched its claws into us and won't
EVER
LET
GO

or
So we think

#words

142 · May 2018

entropy

Moe May 2018

entropy

Heavy.
Weighted.
Pressed in.
I
Can't
Move
Mind spinning so fast
Then
It stops

Everything
..........
Stops
..........
...
     ....
Weightless
      ....
...
..........
But this isn't peace.
It's merely the breaking of a worn out machine
Gears frozen
Couldn't turn them if I tried
Can't even try

s   i   l   e  n   c  e

Can't stand it
Too much space for painful thinking
Music
Loud
Make me feel something
Please

Nothing

More bass
More volume
Head is vibrating

Nothing

Maybe it's better this way
After all
Feeling nothing
Being empty
Doesn't hurt
And I'm tired
Tired of hurting

141 · May 2018

i am (not) broken, please (don't) fix me

Moe May 2018

i am (not) broken, please (don't) fix me

"Are you okay?"
These are my least favorite words to hear
because what do I tell you?
do I tell you that I am not okay?
That, in fact, I feel like a leaf swirling in dark waters
trapped by the current
having no power to direct where I want to go
helpless

I don't really want to talk about it
I don't really want to tell you
how I'm actually doing
because if I do
you are going to want to help me
to try to fix me
and I don't think I can be fixed
I don't want to be helped
I just want to sit here
and not be okay
is that okay?
could we do that please?

No
Of course not
Problems have to have solutions
Broken things must be fixed
I must be helped

So

I say, with a sunny smile,
"I am well!"
And quickly, with caring eyes,
"How are you?"
I want to know the state of your emotions
so you will leave mine alone
I want to hear your struggles
so you won't ask about mine
deflection and distraction
All ploys I use to keep you at arms length
Because
When it comes down to it
I don't want to face my feelings
I don't want to think about how I am doing
So, go ahead, ask me because

"I am okay."

115 · Jun 2021

stygian reassurance

Moe Jun 2021

stygian reassurance

i want to create
beautiful things
paint words that bring
hope

a glimmer to the eye
a smile to the soul

those happy words
though
grow stale in my mouth
like thick tar they coat my thoughts
dragging it to a grinding halt

the tar sets
hardening to an adamant shell

letters no longer form words
they collide against the smooth black surface

endless bombardment
meaningless symbols

crouched in my shell
i give up
resign myself

and pick up the chisel,
Overwhelmed
and the hammer,
Panic

one blow to the thick surface
the adamant shatters
the letters arrange themselves
neat lines
quite and waiting to be chosen

cool darkness twists around me
gently brushing my cheek
waiting
expectant

“let’s begin”

109 · Jun 2021

chasing gray

Moe Jun 2021

chasing gray

a glass sits
on the subspace of my mind
it’s half empty

i ask myself

why is it half empty,
why not half full

why is is so hard to see the water
sloshing about in the glass

clear
cool
refreshing

why do i only see the empty space where water should be

a Void to avoid talking about
a part of myself that i keep refusing to share
a part that i seem to allow to grow, yet i wish it would leave me the hell alone

do I actually enjoy this melancholy

do I like these compressed and silent tears rolling down my cheeks in the darkness

do i make things up to be sad about

a question

is my glass even half empty at all

or do i have a glass full to the brim while i persist in pursuing these gray thoughts

are my “problems” even real
or imaginary

like

my

glass

105 · Feb 2020

broken china

Moe Feb 2020

broken china

I don't think it's you

I used to think you were a mad bull in the china cabinet of my life
Raging
Smashing
While I sat frozen on the floor watching the pieces of my life fall around me
But now I realize that
You never meant to hurt me
You didn't try to hurt me
You are not an angry bull
It's not you that is breaking everything
It's me
I am as unstable
as a drunk rhinoceros walking a tightrope, I sway
Trying to stay sane, functional
Terrified of falling into insanity
Overthinking brain drawing emotions into everything
My own darkness pressing into me
I curl tightly into a ball
Trying to hold my pieces together
Writing poetry
Thinking that you were the problem
When the problem
All along
Was
Me

102 · Feb 2020

choke it down

Moe Feb 2020

choke it down

I tried.
I tried being honest and sharing my thoughts
Explaining what was bothering me
Why it was bothering me
Taking a leap of faith
Hoping you would understand
It never works out though
Always, I am misunderstood
Misread
You walk out of the room
Disengaging
Leaving me regretting I ever brought it up
Convincing me that I never should have brought it up
Just lock it inside next time
This hurt is not worth it
Wouldn’t you rather let sleeping dogs lie?

102 · Jun 2021

sharing is daring

Moe Jun 2021

sharing is daring

i wanted to share
the other day
share these thoughts written here
(hidden here)
in my phone

but

i didn’t
couldn’t

i am afraid

afraid they are to sad
depressing
too.............“much”

afraid that if i share
i will see

pain
pity
hurt

in your eyes

afraid that you will think that i live in those emotions right now,
that i am sharing as a cry for help

the truth is,

i want to share

share these thoughts, that,
while darker and melancholy,
have sparks of beauty to them

they are fragments
of me
bursting to get out
wanting to be heard

but

afraid to be know

99 · Feb 2020

slow progress

Moe Feb 2020

slow progress

August 31, 2018

I used to write when the feelings were so strong I thought I might drown in them

I used to write because I saw no other way out, no way to escape the darkness pressing in on me

Suffocating

I used to write to distract myself. To keep calm. To remind myself to stay sane.

"You are fine. You are okay."

That was my mantra.

October 1, 2019

Thirteen months and one day later,
that mantra still hold true some days

I’m fine (far from it)
I am okay (surface level lie)

however

That is not every day

There are shafts of sunlight breaking through the suffocating darkness
Rays of surreal peace
Peals of genuine laughter

Moments that tether me when I just don’t want to go on
Reminders of those who care
Those who love me when I am drowning in my feelings
They who lift the mask off my face, look into my flat eyes and say

I care
I love
You don’t have to be fine
You don’t have to be okay
I am here
With you
And I’m not going anywhere
No matter what

87 · Feb 2020

breaking china

Moe Feb 2020

breaking china

I'm tired
So exhausted
I am broken
I was breaking
But now
I am broken

I
Can't do this anymore

I used to be okay
Then I met you
And for a while my life was euphoric
Fantastic
Beautiful
Full of so much happiness

Then
I don't know what changed

You said everything was still okay
Good
Great
But it doesn't feel the same
You get frustrated at me
And i can't fix it

Can't say sorry
Nothing feels good enough

It is all broken
And I'm tired of trying
So tired of trying
I'm just done
Right now
I want to run
So far

I want to drive away
Leave without saying goodbyes
Just keep driving til I run out of gas
Or fall off the edge of the world
I don't really care which

I am done
So done
I can't live like this
On the paranoid edge of never knowing what will make you upset
Walking on eggshells

Meanwhile
To rub salt into the wound

It feels like you just run me over
However you want to
You've taken so much from me
Had so many of my firsts
I've let you in so far

And only now do I realize I've let a mad bull into my china closet
And I am paralyzed on the floor while you smash and crack
Terrified of what I've done

What have I done?
Is it too late?
Can I back out?
Is this my life now?

66 · Nov 2020

threads

Moe Nov 2020

threads

our lives are made up of threads
running this way and that
getting gloriously tangled up with each other
beautifully messy
then
one thread is cut
the tangle begins to unravel
a hole forming
a color lost
then
one shaking thread reaches for another
and another
and another
knotting together
remembering what was
celebrating the vibrancy
moving forward
each carrying a bit of the lost color
mixing and bleeding with its own
so that
though the thread has been cut
the color is never lost

— The End —