Moe - Hello Poetry

Moe Feb 2020

I'm tired
So exhausted
I am broken
I was breaking
But now
I am broken

I
Can't do this anymore

I used to be okay
Then I met you
And for a while my life was euphoric
Fantastic
Beautiful
Full of so much happiness

Then
I don't know what changed

You said everything was still okay
Good
Great
But it doesn't feel the same
You get frustrated at me
And i can't fix it

Can't say sorry
Nothing feels good enough

It is all broken
And I'm tired of trying
So tired of trying
I'm just done
Right now
I want to run
So far

I want to drive away
Leave without saying goodbyes
Just keep driving til I run out of gas
Or fall off the edge of the world
I don't really care which

I am done
So done
I can't live like this
On the paranoid edge of never knowing what will make you upset
Walking on eggshells

Meanwhile
To rub salt into the wound

It feels like you just run me over
However you want to
You've taken so much from me
Had so many of my firsts
I've let you in so far

And only now do I realize I've let a mad bull into my china closet
And I am paralyzed on the floor while you smash and crack
Terrified of what I've done

What have I done?
Is it too late?
Can I back out?
Is this my life now?

Moe Feb 2020

choke it down

I tried.
I tried being honest and sharing my thoughts
Explaining what was bothering me
Why it was bothering me
Taking a leap of faith
Hoping you would understand
It never works out though
Always, I am misunderstood
Misread
You walk out of the room
Disengaging
Leaving me regretting I ever brought it up
Convincing me that I never should have brought it up
Just lock it inside next time
This hurt is not worth it
Wouldn’t you rather let sleeping dogs lie?

Moe Feb 2020

slow progress

August 31, 2018

I used to write when the feelings were so strong I thought I might drown in them

I used to write because I saw no other way out, no way to escape the darkness pressing in on me

Suffocating

I used to write to distract myself. To keep calm. To remind myself to stay sane.

"You are fine. You are okay."

That was my mantra.

October 1, 2019

Thirteen months and one day later,
that mantra still hold true some days

I’m fine (far from it)
I am okay (surface level lie)

however

That is not every day

There are shafts of sunlight breaking through the suffocating darkness
Rays of surreal peace
Peals of genuine laughter

Moments that tether me when I just don’t want to go on
Reminders of those who care
Those who love me when I am drowning in my feelings
They who lift the mask off my face, look into my flat eyes and say

I care
I love
You don’t have to be fine
You don’t have to be okay
I am here
With you
And I’m not going anywhere
No matter what

Moe May 2018

i am (not) broken, please (don't) fix me

"Are you okay?"
These are my least favorite words to hear
because what do I tell you?
do I tell you that I am not okay?
That, in fact, I feel like a leaf swirling in dark waters
trapped by the current
having no power to direct where I want to go
helpless

I don't really want to talk about it
I don't really want to tell you
how I'm actually doing
because if I do
you are going to want to help me
to try to fix me
and I don't think I can be fixed
I don't want to be helped
I just want to sit here
and not be okay
is that okay?
could we do that please?

No
Of course not
Problems have to have solutions
Broken things must be fixed
I must be helped

So

I say, with a sunny smile,
"I am well!"
And quickly, with caring eyes,
"How are you?"
I want to know the state of your emotions
so you will leave mine alone
I want to hear your struggles
so you won't ask about mine
deflection and distraction
All ploys I use to keep you at arms length
Because
When it comes down to it
I don't want to face my feelings
I don't want to think about how I am doing
So, go ahead, ask me because

"I am okay."

Moe May 2018

entropy

Heavy.
Weighted.
Pressed in.
I
Can't
Move
Mind spinning so fast
Then
It stops

Everything
..........
Stops
..........
...
     ....
Weightless
      ....
...
..........
But this isn't peace.
It's merely the breaking of a worn out machine
Gears frozen
Couldn't turn them if I tried
Can't even try

s   i   l   e  n   c  e

Can't stand it
Too much space for painful thinking
Music
Loud
Make me feel something
Please

Nothing

More bass
More volume
Head is vibrating

Nothing

Maybe it's better this way
After all
Feeling nothing
Being empty
Doesn't hurt
And I'm tired
Tired of hurting

Moe May 2018

A Still Knife

Pain isn't always sharp and piercing
Sometimes
It is a dull ache
A still knife in your body
One you think is gone until it twists
And fresh pain shoots through every nerve
Raw
Sharp
Forcing you to vividly relive again and again the cause of your pain
You'd think after the 12th time it wouldn't hurt as bad
You would get more used to it
You would start to adjust to it
You would get over it
But every time the knife twists---

Moe May 2018

Words

Words
What are words
They are a way to tell the world what your thinking
But only if you say what your soul is really thinking
Too often we don't say
We don't tell the world
We don't even tell those that love us
Why
Why don't we say
Maybe we don't want to admit it to ourselves
Maybe we are ashamed
Mad that these thoughts hang over us
Damp
Dark
Dangerous
Worried that if we name them they will
claim us
Mark us
Use us
Trap us
And as much as we don't want to banish these thoughts and fight them off
We are more afraid of being trapped
So
We ignore them
Block them out
Refuse help
Because
Although we dislike our problem
It has latched its claws into us and won't
EVER
LET
GO

or
So we think

#words