I think one of my greatest fears is disappointing others.
But not in the way of if I go to college, my job, my relationships.
I think one of my greatest fears is disappointing others with my looks.

I hate being talked about to others by people who love me.
Giving strangers some sick twisted idea that I'm some sweet, beautiful girl.
People who love you tend to forget about the not so pretty things, the not good enough things.
But I don't forget them.

Because the second I am introduced,
I can see it in their eyes,
Maybe I'm imagining it,
But I can't see past it,
They look disappointed.
So let down.
"I thought she'd be thinner...and more beautiful...oh my god look at her thighs!"
I can see it in your eyes.
In the back of your mind, I know you're thinking this.
You were led to believe I'm something greater than what's in front of you.
I'm crushed.
It's my fault,
I'm sorry.

Shouting like a siren in the back of your mind,
In the back of your yesterdays.

I understood well,
My place in your heart,
My place in your dresser drawers,
My place in your bed.
Shivering like the twigs on a cold winter morning, after a long heavy snow,
With wings gliding the surface of dead rose bushes,
A wish I might be granted if you'd give it to me.
Shaking your fist in the air,
You had just forgotten and now you've remembered me again after eight ******* years,
Your eyes still hungry to see my face light up in the passenger seat of your car,
Left alone for eternity by a stranger,
What a waste.
Looking up at the sky forever but I can't remember the phases of the moon,
You could never find me,
Disappeared like a cookie on the counter.

A Thursday is no day to sit inside and cry,
I'm fine.

Every beginning starts in its own lovely way,
Sometimes easily, a quick slip that leads the way without any effort,
And then there's the ones that take all the patience and faith you have in your being.

But both lead to the same place.
And that's where I always get stuck.

In between here and there,
Between the start and finish,
Left without real directions
Except for the thought

Where do we go from here?

And that's as far as I get every time,
While I sit and watch the beginning fade like it never even happened.

I heard once,
Actually, on several occasions,
That our hearts are as big as our fists.

And I believe there could be a love,
Somewhere,
That is untouched by age, time, looks...

But I think how small my heart must be,
My tiny fist,
Not even suitable for my size,
And I'm unsure if this could ever be attainable,
Though my ***** size has nothing to do with my emotional capabilities.

Or maybe I'm wrong...

I'm constantly giving mixed signals.
I told him that I loved him,
That I missed him,
And that I needed space.

Pull him closer when he goes away,
And push him back once he's close.
I'm surprised he hasn't called me on it yet.

I've got him in the palm of my hand to either hold him next to my heart
Or forget until it's convienent.

Sometimes I catch myself so sunk in his thoughts and his smile,
And other times he's just another pulse in the room.

He gets so torn up and keeps running back.
They say you hate the sin but love the sinner,
And I think that's how this is.
He doesn't understand me and is dangerously intrigued.

I can't tell if it's all in my head or all in my heart.
They give me mixed signals, and I give them to him.

Plunging under the surface,
Swallowing water I won't cough up.
Choking underneath.

The sun beams down onto the surface,
It smiles at me, the most brilliant smile.

"I'm ready."

Reflections flicker like quick flashes of pictures
Of myself as a small child,
Carving pumpkins on the kitchen floor with my mother.
Snorting and laughing,
"Mommy, you're so funny!"
This is all I can think of.

The trees look down on me, disappointed, I can see it.
They wave goodbye to me in the warm summer breeze,
So full of life.

"I'm ready."

The pain in my chest is slowly disappearing.
My head is full of endless possibilities, but no remorse.
I'm surrounded by a glimmer, circling my body.
It's so happy, it's dancing for me.

"I'm ready."

And I can't see anymore,
I am just left with my final thoughts.
But I know in my soul,
It will be beautiful, wherever it is.
Whenever I get there, sooner or later.
A blast of sun shining through my broken spirit.

**"I'm ready."

I listened to the album we used to listen to for the first time in years.
Hard to admit, but my eyes burned a little
Trying to hold tears back.
I can still remember the smell of your car,
A mixture of those tree shaped fresheners
Cherry, new car, pine
And cigarettes that "weren't yours"

"You can shut it down, down, down..."
This was my favorite song, I think it was yours too.
This is the one that brings it all back.

These lyrics were stupid and sounded forced,
But we gave them some meaning, I suppose.
I hadn't listened to them since the day that you left
I think the CD was still in your car when they brought to the junk yard.
It all happened too soon.

It's weird.

In high school you feel invincible.
And I know that everyone says that but I didn't realize until after.
We didn't have any plans for the future and we didn't care,
All of us.
We thought things would stay good forever.
And then nothing was the same.
All we really have left are our memories,
Not even the CD survived.

Haha.