It’s 8:32pm
I want to sleep for twelve hours
maybe fourteen
I don’t want to be here
I don’t want to think
I don’t want to filter the world
I want Silence
         inside and out
I want nothingness
I want peace

It’s a constant cacophony
and I just want peace and quiet

I feel so alone.
In the pit of my stomach, I am alone.
With a dear friend in the next room, I am alone.
still.
no matter what.
I feel it in the quiet moments.
why?
It's like a bit black stain, a gaping hole in my sternum.
completely empty.
I don't understand why.
I just want someone to hold me, know me, accept me.
But when I get the chance, I'm too afraid of getting hurt.
****.

I just want to have fun.

*******. I want to be known. Loved.

It’s a twisting in my chest, an ache. I feel the absence on my skin, I feel it. I yearn. For something that very may well be nonexistent. And yet I cannot stop hoping. But the hope kills me. The ache is still throbbing. Aching. Aching.

I yearn.

It hurts to yearn.

I am still vibrating
I am flying
soaring
finally free
strong
whole

In daily life I watch
                        observe
                        see
So I know people's points
If I was a lesser person it could be bad, but I'm not
Fortunately or un
But you know what?
**** it.

Why don't people take you seriously
unless you lose it.
Respect me

I'm surprised at you
You have the capacity to be a FORCE
But you hide
I know why
You know why
We both know it's silly
And yet it isn't.
That's okay.
That's okay.
We'll get there when we get there.

You remember that time?
That was awesome

We'll get there
and we don't have as far to go as we think

Hey Papa,
tonight when I sit on my balcony, I’m not going to talk with you,
I’m going to Numb.
And it’s not because I don’t love you
or want to.
I did a lot today. And now I’m tired.
Tired of thinking
Tired of hearing
Tired of feeling
I’m just tired. And tonight I need to give myself a break.

to be Aware is to be unlucky.
to be not a casual person is to be Invisible.
to See is to be ignored.
to Hear is to be silenced.
to believe is to be repeatedly disappointed.
to be available is to never express yourself.

Why can a good thing not receive good in return?

I wish my awareness would bring peace. not turmoil.
I wish my depth would make human interactions easier. not halting and uncomfortable.
I wish someone would See Me.
I wish someone would Hear Me.
I wish I wasn't disappointed so very often.
I wish someone would give me time and space to express myself. and Listen. not tell me how to fix. I know. because I am Aware. but that doesn't mean that I don't feel it all. Every Excruciating moment. Every Agonizing emotion.

I don’t feel butterflies with him.
And that’s good.
When I am with him I feel that I don’t want to be anywhere else in the world.
That is something I never feel.
Not even alone.

Why does being alive hurt so much?

Because feeling is what differentiates us, what it is to be alive
Because without the pain and the confusion and the anger we would not know the unbelievable joy and intractable Need to be with others. To see and be seen. to be chosen.

But what about those who no one sees. the ones who people glance at and assume they understand so they never look again. those ones are everywhere - the wallflowers, yes, but also the ones you assume everyone sees. i am one of them. because of how i look. something i had very little to do with. and yet it labels me in the eyes of others. i am _ so I must be _. people assume.
I am waiting for someone who doesn't. who takes time and asks questions and opens to me as well. those I shall choose to spend time with. Stop and enjoy the music in the street, there's no rush. notice the beauty. in the bark of a tree. a leaf caught in the wind dancing down the lane.

I know that I am waiting. I am aware.
But what the f*ck.
I'm doing the work, I've done so much.
I love me and I am excellent at being alone.
So where is my person?
I yearn so desperately to begin with them.
But what if I'm too good at being alone?

God's timing is not our own
And you know that when it happens
(should it happen)
you'll say, "Yes, Lord, you were right!"
Because He is God




im tired.





I know, my love. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.

What do I do?
I finally found the One I never thought I'd find
I thought I was too ________
I thought I'd be alone and always crave what I would never be able to find
and then he walked in
and for the first time I felt like I was home
I didn't want to be anywhere else

so why in the **** did I just **** it up.
Not **** it up - well, yes - but it was healthy, I need to do what I said for myself, because I deserve it, but why can't I have both? why can't everything work out in my timing and according to my plan and then I'll be happy?

It hurts so bad.
my heart is breaking like I never thought it would or could
it hurts
it hurts
I'm praying
through every single spiral my brain is spinning down
what if? please, Papa, let that not happen and if it does (more tears) please help me through it.
what if? please, Papa, let that not happen and if it does (more tears) please help me through it.
what if? please, Papa, let that not happen and if it does (more tears) please help me through it.
what if? please, Papa, let that not happen and if it does (more tears) please help me through it.
what if? please, Papa, let that not happen and if it does (more tears) please help me through it.
what if? please, Papa, let that not happen and if it does (more tears) please help me through it.
what if? please, Papa, let that not happen and if it does (more tears) please help me through it.

My brain wants to detach.. my emotions are overwhelmed and in the past I've had to detach, but I want to feel this, every excruciating second, I don't want to leave my body, I can't handle that, I can't, please, Papa, keep me here, settle your Peace over me, I miss him and all I want is to be there with him having this in person. I don't understand, but I trust you and your plan to give me even more and better than I want and expect and think is possible, but it hurts so bad, I just want to hug him and hold him and love him and I can't because he can't and that scares me, and I don't know what to do.

I hate this feeling of disappointment

I feel so happy and carefree,
   but the next moment d a r k

Do you ever think to yourself, “there is a weird dichotomy between their face and their body..” ?

I've been living in denial for months and didn't realize until my therapist told me.
I explained how I've been living
"Wow, you've been living in depression again."

.....
well ****..
yes I have...

I've been scared lately when I catch myself in active moments that I felt numb, but I didn't think, I didn't look at the bigger picture, I didn't realize I was fearful of something that was already happening.

What do I do now?

What do you do when all you can do is float through days. You are not gone but you are not present. You exist yet you don't. You are not in your body. You drift, you float from one moment into the next, swayed by winds. Winds that are forces. One minute you are floating above solid ground and the next you are two hundred feet up in the air and you can't find your bearings and you flail and scream and cry and grasp grasp grasp grasp grasp grasp for anything for a foothold for a **** fingerhold but nothing. nothing. there is nothing. and then you are lying an inch above the ground. still not touching, but not flailing anymore. Why can't I feel the ground anymore.

I used to smile
with my eyes
without faking
but that was a long time ago.
Now I hide.
I make myself smaller, invisible, so no one looks.

If they do, they may see me.
And what then?

                                      fear.

The other day at school, Boy1 sent a full-length photo of me sitting in the hallway to Boy2. Offering my body, my self, as a gift.

objectified                                used
         trapped                                              guilty                          at fault
                                    ugly
                                                                       hollow
      *****
                   fragile                      wrong              
                                                                                           empty
             unworthy
                                                                                                   weak
                                             penetrable
                                                    impure
          cheap                                                                 used
                                  objectified

I ache. from the ache on my scalp to the ache in my toes. every inch of my body is sore. From what, I ask? I have very specifically been resting my *** off lately, knowing that when I work myself too hard for too long, I make myself sick. So I've been trying to do good for myself, I'm trying to rest, why aren't I feeling better? Why am I waking every morning feeling like I got hit by a truck the night before?! I am over it.

it hurts so badly that if I let myself feel it all, tears would start falling from my eyes, and they would not stop. So I don't. Or I do, and then make myself stop.

if we were discussing my mental health, I'd say to let yourself, but what is the point with physical pain, really? it won't make the pain fade or even lessen. why give myself a headache on top of it.

As I listen and look back
I see where I was
where I went
where I've been
how I've fought
how I've hurt
how I've cried
And I'm glad for all of it
because without it I wouldn't be here
and I'm happy here
with my flawed self
I'm happy
All the fears, the lies, the pain, the lies, the hurt, the tears, all of it

it got me here
and I'm just starting to like myself

Then one step back.
why.

I thought I was done experiencing this loneliness

I thought it was over
that I could continue choosing to see and be seen
and I wouldn't feel it anymore

But I can't do anything about this
it's not me
I'm not choosing this
this feeling of intense isolation
it takes months to be built
who knows how long to tear down
again

again

I'm exhausted.

I feel an elastic bubble inches around my entire self
separating me
I push and push and push and nothing breaks it only bends with me and I'm trapped

It’s funny. No matter how many times I hear it,
“You love other people so well, why don’t you give half as much love to yourself”
Or some variation therein,
I still feel my nose burn, tears full my eyes, and my heart still squeezes.

Except this time, I honestly replied, “I’m trying.”

And that is enough.

I wish-
I want-
I daydream
                but it's a lie
shake my head to clarify my thoughts
what is real
                       and what did I create

I feel my insides start to vibrate
The muscles of my lower lids tense
My entire body is tingling
I am steady as a rock
My breath drops to my gut
My feet meld with the floor
My mind clears and focuses
My thoughts are a bullet train,
mechanical cogs that move together seamlessly
I take a deep breath
I open my mouth
My tongue lifts
I know what I want to say,
     I always know,
          but I never say
Now I don't hold back
No holds barred

I am uncomfortable
   my head is screaming and
   pulling at my body to
   move and fix
It's easy
But somewhere along the journey
of nerves and synopses it dies
I cannot move
I am stuck
too hot
too cold
back searing
neck aching
head lolling
I cannot move

Sometimes I make poor decisions for myself
knowing they are not good for me, not healthy
and I do them

anyways

and I can't bring myself to care
or judge myself about it
sometimes I make poor choices for myself

one cannot make good healthy decisions all the time

and as long as that keeps me sane, I'll keep telling myself that

What is love
like being alone
knowing that you are heard
                                       listened to
                                       understood
looking at the person as they
do that little thing and
falling all over again
looking over and seeing their
tiny smile
knowing they love you
                         accept you
                         understand you
feeling your heart swell
it fills your throat
the more I love the less I speak
backwards so no one understands
I am alone
waiting
for my partner in solitude

I'm hungry
     I want pizza
     and soda
     and ice cream
     and pudding
     and chips
Do you know the best thing,
I have everything but
pizza at home!

When confronted I freeze
mind completely blank
black screen
when I am mad but small
I feel myself swallow words down
make myself invisible
pleasant yet unremarkable
what do I have but my looks?
everything
if I'd but let it out
I scream for it
  crave it
  am terrified of it
  fight it
  fight for it
  shove it back down
  swallow it
  blurt it out
  don't stand by it
I'll figure out how to let my
freak flag fly

I don't wipe my tears away anymore
I want to-
I need to feel them as they fall
from the burning in my eyes and nose
to the droplet escaping
every millimeter
over my cheekbone
down down down
more joining
following different paths
I feel them all
I feel them now
they are joy and confusion and anger and rage and frustration and sorrow and mourning and peace incomprehensible

"empathy for yourself"
and I broke
head down, lips pursing to keep the sobs, suddenly wracking, inside
I need to feel all that
that I felt unseen
that I felt unheard
that I felt unloved
that I felt unloved.
un loved
let it be
feel that
excruciating
excruciating pain
of being

I feel an urge for companionship
the desire to sit next to someone
be in the same room
feel another energy
that pull
from my solar plexus
to connect
but I'm alone and scared
so I remain unsatisfied.

Why does being alive hurt so much

my life is wonderful and yet
I sit here and I feel nothing
I feel lost
in what, I don't know.
There is so much out there and so much in me

they cannot Be simultaneously

can they?

Physical touch. Skin is so sensitive, so many nerve endings. Humans long for touch - to feel skin, warm, life, stories - to have their own felt. It connects us to others. without it we drift.

All or nothing
love or ambivalence
ambivalence or avoidance
few to love
alone
waiting
trying for patience
impatience
annoyance
pray for them to come
prepare yourself
pray for patience
impatience
acceptance
patience
frustration
patience
pray­
back and forth forth and back
alone
waiting to be known
waiting alone

I am strong
         brave
         resilient
         clever
         sharp
         intelligent
         kind
         loving
         sympathetic
         empathetic
         forgiving
         courageous
         opinionated
         extreme
         funny
         deep
         a thinker
         a feeler
         intuitive
         a ray of ******* sunshine
         creative
         helpful
         Me
         Worthy

It's hard to take up the space
                                                 I know I take up
I was raised to make myself smaller
                                                  invisible
                                                  perfect
I know instinctively how to please anyone
I haven't a clue who I am
                            what I want
                            how I feel
                            what I think
                            what I want to say
                            how to trust myself
I was raised to take those from others
So that's how I treat myself now
Generous, kind, loving, forgiving, bolstering,
Empathetic, understanding,
all to everyone else
To me?
Strict, harsh, degrading, nasty, unkind, illogical
I can never be good enough for myself
I do not exist without others
YES I DO