how strange to have all my problems laid out
in front of me like a textbook
they tell me what my symptoms are
the emptiness
makes me doubt whether it really is ever real
the emptiness
the impulse to   eat  and destroy

my story almost sounds outdated

The bulb  shivered  and popped
like lightning     mama would say the
spirits are  out   trying to get our   attention

you stand at a large    rock’s edge
you say   things like    God loves each of  us    
as if         there were only one of us
you take pictures of   strangers   of lovers on hills
of your feet dipped in  red sands   I watch you
intently    trying to find   what connects  you to me
if there is anything at all    to salvage  or
create
you take snapshots  of your existence  when
you’re older, you’ll have them to  remind you
of your  adventures  on The Big Island  

you sound   like you’d be sweet  and gentle
but I’m   too misleading    maybe I just see what
I want to see     in you
So  what do I do        I like to  imagine the
endless possibilities  of your  character     would
you be the  type  to touch me   in early mornings
to check if I’m awake?  would  you   kiss my body
as if   it is something   new  to  you   all the time
would   you  be   the thing     that makes me better
changes   the inconsistency  of my   spirit    
really    who knows?

Where did we go, when it all came down
Some of us ran into the ocean   became mermaids
And some climbed higher and higher    into the sun
Where did we go   where’d we run away   I thought
I had it all under control   it was not the better plan though
Some ran    into a swamp   where gators  swam   and swayed
Did they sink? Or were they eaten? Or did some godly-thing occur  when
They found a kingdom   below

I look down at my dog   we both look ahead into the city
And i ask him: where did we go    we did not know   that
We’d take different paths    and i ran into the ocean
Because a wise man told me the salt   would heal
My wounds

my being changes   all the time
I doubt your love   and all the beautiful things
it has brought me    I feel myself forgetting   all the things
that make us   us   and binds   us   like grapes  in a bunch
I feel myself   falling   into holes   and fake
stories,   trying to feel myself    even though
I don’t know where   to touch  
where
do I hurt?
is the energy I’ve always felt    just sadness
that rolls from me   to you   to all the people
I’ve ever known        the food bloats my belly
but it’s always better than feeling nothing     how scared
I am to start crying out   of nowhere     scared of what
others may say about me

how much is too much    I just push you away and  want you back
it’s like a game    how far can I push you out to sea
and reel you back in  

how does it feel to be gutted?

i used to think  I wanted to be the most beautiful
girl in the world        possess perfection    so
pretty you    just could not   reject me
i had you     you had me      but it always felt  like
I could  lose  you to the    wind    or a wild thing   at
a party    or   at a bar with your friends   or from the
many travels around the world  
you’ve embarked on

recently i’ve been getting   compliments
people talking about   my   this or that  
but  yet    there lies  an emptiness    a little
black whole in me   that I am trying to
understand  
today I spoke     and you grew silent   and
there was   a distance    I haven’t felt for   a long time

And I learned that no   matter  how beautiful   the world
sees me     I will never feel enough  for you
Like an uphill    climb        I yearn
for the mountain view        

Perhaps  one day  I will  achieve  greatness

I spoke   all excited   and giddy   about
how an excellent   worker     I am     but really
am I?    so  after  the conversation    I don’t
know what I wanted from you
maybe   like   a “good job”    but  you were silent
and I understood      no matter how much
I want  you   to think   how cool    I am
I can’t      force   it  outta you

Every time   I beg for your    attention    
I remind   you
how much of a beggar   I am