Destiny   speaks   like a Queen     even
though    you may not love     her now      I don’t envy
her   for the love you gave her      I envy
her strength    for being  able to survive without it

you resemble the boys of my past     how once
I wanted   a broken   boy to find me in a well
and lure me   out with    his wild   eyes     sharp nose
blond  hairs        you       talk    mad     and quick
like you’re     high   on something   strong
and   I can’t keep up
I just listen     wanna please you     wanna be   worthy   of
something   confident    like   you
so I     just      listen        
let myself       fall for you

when i was younger   I’d go to
work with my father    and back then,
the company was small   and my father’s
boss    took me to   the back   where
they had started to    change the
furniture   and paint the walls    cause
the company was growing    and
he made me go through a whole
pamphlet of    colors   for carpets
and he asked   me:
so ***,   what would look best here?
And I pointed   at
pine needle    green.

As I grow   or whatever grown-ups call it
I begin to realize how broken    I was    how even
now, I still am      and how    I choose to
hurt you sometimes    because  I don’t want to
face   my fears   last time we got
drunk, I cried  uncontrollably   begging you to provide
answers to the greatest   questions of all      
like    what is this   the love I have for my parents     my dead dog
where did he go     nothing is forever     so what is it
that ties   you and I together     what is it
what is it?
How many times have you held me   close   wishing
I’d answer   my own   enigmas

and still, you call me back
and still, you hold
and still, you care

how you do it exactly, I don’t know

Even  though I am now 26    and I feel older
I don’t think   time  makes things  easy
it makes  it harder   and harder
I find myself   missing things

more deeply

all the time

my lover and I got stuck in a snowy trail  his blue car
couldn’t handle  the   deepness   the cold  and well, there
we found ourselves knocking at the closest door   and
he was saying     “we’re travellers in need of assistance”  and
I’m staring into a white woman’s blank face
trying to look serious
and her husband’s taking an important call, but she assures us he can
help us, if we wait   five   or  ten   or maybe fifteen minutes
so we wait   and then old Mark comes out  all kind with smiles
and he tells us   he’ll bring out his tractor
you and I listen to him  afterwards   talk about the bald eagles on ice
he’d see in Lacrosse, WI  when he was younger

he tells me you’re a keeper
he calls me  your better half

I wish I knew   if he is right

Here we are safe I think,
in the blue box that lets
only the two of us enter.
Here, I think we can speak
to shadows and the moon
comes down just for us,
in our blue box.
Upside down, my hands
against the blue walls,
I am not human. And neither
are you.