and tell me how
I cannot be comfortable
in my own skin,
the skin I was born in

I look around me
and I feel envious,
envious
of how
everyone walks around
carrying themselves

I think
a part of me died
when you did
I wish,
the roles
were reversed
and I was the one
who died
instead.
the world
would have been
a better place
if you were here
instead of me.
it wouldn't matter
if I were alive or dead
but you on the other hand
you, my darling
you would have made
all the difference
in the universe

I think
I was
put on this earth
to recieve
more pain
than love.
Now...
isn't that
just sad

I wish I was as bright as the colors I wear.

thought it was over
thought I would love life
but I hate it even more
I love people
but I don't love
myself anymore

Did you
hear my heart break
when I sat beside you
while you were telling
your life story

that was
one of the moments
where I felt
my heart break
like
𝒶𝒸𝓉𝓊𝒶𝓁𝓁𝓎 break

The first time
had something to do with you
but,
this time
this time was different
because this time
I felt helpless
because this time
I couldn't do anything
except
hear you cry

They say
home
is where
the heart is
but
if my heart is with you
then,
where does that
leave me...?

your footsteps
echo through the hall

it truly
makes my skin crawl

it makes me anxious,
it makes me sick

and truly,
I don't know what it is

I think
I associate your footsteps
with something bad

something happened
something sad
something, that weighs heavily
on my back

I tried to think
I tried to remember
but I came back empty

empty of memories
empty of meaning
empty of all the things
I should be feeling

so tell me
why your footsteps
makes my skin crawl?

I just want to know
how to deal with it all

let me watch
all the little things
you do
the way your eyes crinkle
when you laugh
the way your dimples pop
when you smile
the way you hug so warmly
the way you scrunch your nose
let me watch how you move your hands
when you explain to me
something you are passionate about
let me ask you questions
no one has ever asked before
let me hear what your answers will be
because I wanna know
everything about everyone

if I'm being honest,
there's this anger
inside of me
all the time.
sometimes it's light
and I don't feel it, but
other times
I can't control it
sometimes, I let it out
on people
then it becomes worse.
this anger...
it never goes away
it's always here
it's tainting my heart
but sometimes,
I like this anger
it makes me feel empowered
it makes me feel strong
it makes me feel like I have
something to fight for,
like I have people to fight for
my anger is towards
the opposite

But you are not me
I am me
and I am magic

I hate it
because
I don't know if I want
time to move faster
or to stop altogether
everyday
is a repetition
of the day before
I hate living as much
as the person
I'm becoming

I hope you find me
in every single thing you do

don't
don't ever assume
my "overreaction"
you don't know what happened
for me to react
the way I did
so
sit still
and don't
ever
assume
my reaction

they say I should forgive him
that no matter what happens in life
he's still my dad
and whatever things
he has said to me
he didn't mean them
or that he just simply
forgot
that whatever wounds
he left me I should just
cover up
put a bandaid
they say
but I tell them
bandaids
don't fix bullet holes