it was a lie

I thought I was done crying

finished with those endless cold and empty nights

I was ready to begin again  to take another chance

it was a  lie

the nights are cold and the sun is cruel

and I will never again trust my heart     the master betrayer

there is no beginning again    only carefully hoarded pain

it was a  lie

I will never take another chance       ask me better to take a dagger and gut myself

it was a lie

I was never finished crying

the soft weeping in the shower or the body shaking sobs that send me crashing to my knees

It was all a lie ...   I have learned to lie ... very well… without you


Doyenne Solace Arcanna ShadoeWalker

If I Need You.

"Call me if you need me ***." It was the sign off of an old friend
When I need you? When I can't sleep and the house screams it's silence?
When I need you? When my food tastes like ashes and is not worthwhile making?
When I need you? When a snapshot snatches my breathe away and I can no longer breathe?
When I need you? When I cannot stop crying long enough to get out of the shower?
When I need you? When the days run one into the other with no meaning?
When I need you? When the day is dark no matter the time and the world stops turning?
But I am the strong one , confidante and funny .I am the fixer and mother .. teacher
When I need you? Every day Every Hour Every moment....When I need you?
I am past asking now, I can wear the mask easily now, No one realizes ...
Don't worry I'll call I answered as I hung up the phone and watched my hand tremble
When I need you? Oh Lady I need you my friend and I am sorry I cannot let you know
When I need you


Solita -2006

vWhen did my world become so small?

Mine..

Who used to dance all night and chant to the dawn
When did it become day to day and dose to dose?
And why haven't I fought kicking and screaming at the unfairness

When did the day lose its colour and music all sound so distant?
It was not a sudden blitz attack but a cunning silent shadow
and before I knew it the Pain was master here
Where once there was Me with pain Now there is Pain with me

Pain now rules all I do

In sleep I cry and twitch and mewl
So attractive my dear
I don't remember that he asked to stay
He has just waltzed in and stolen what was mine

My days have lost their Beauty and I so dread the night
No comfort there no respite, no calm
He controls my temper and the Joy in life
My family long have given up
How long can anyone really listen after all?
So now He is visitor no longer

He rides my shoulders and his spurs rend my back
He shows no mercy and now there is no place of rest
I am sure I would have fought Him off
if He had only not been a coward ,
to sneak up on me like that

Solita-2007

But I'm Not Bitter
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a dark and dreary day ( I know its Tripe but today it is true )

rain makes me sour and truly an old crone
My skin is too tight and my bones are not nimble but stiff and useless
Stairs are insurmountable and the phone seems too far away for the effort
I no longer try to be pleasant and am left alone
but for my furry mob who can care less my bad mood
my desk chair is surrounded now with hot water bottles
electrical pads and nuke em packs and of course pill bottles
the detritus of pain

It is now a companion old and well known to me
I am told ever "Its age my Dear, Just live with it
I am told "It's all in your mind there's no pain at all"
I am told :Push through it and endure don't acknowledge it ignore it"

When will it leave ? at death ? What a thought to have to drag it with me at the end.

I curse his name
His Family
His Heritage
His Intellect
His Temper

His one action one blow in fury his one tantrum ...

And the sentence is life ...for me

I wonder ..If I saw him could I strike back?

I know there is no forgiveness no saint like pity or absolution

Every time I hit the ground in a seizure he has hit me again
Everyday I cannot climb the stairs in my own home He has thrown me once again through the window and I fall the 6 floors again

Stop holding on to it you'll never get any better ... And I try ..I really do ...

Then the seizures come or I cannot do a simple household task

or I must once more tell a friend I cannot meet them for tea (a selfish luxury)

You know I bet he has not thought of me in years ..but his actions govern what I can do every day of my Life

But I am not Bitter

Solita -2006



Author's Location: Toronto, Ontario