(Your hands, they crafted me with so much love)

It was Your knuckles that kneaded the clay I was formed from
and Your fingers that tenderly pressed in the planes of my face
My temples shaped with the meticulous strokes of Your thumb
My body molded by Your palms and cradled in her Father’s embrace
How glorious, how intimate! the moment You created me for You
That Yours was the first face I opened my eyes to
My God, You know me and
You love me

I’m angry with you. I’m tired of you. I’m tired of feeling so small and disregarded. You’re so big. You use your size to stomp me into submission. You’re a bully. The little get picked on and the rebellious are punished. The hate bubbles up in my throat and I become exhausted.

I wish I was seven feet tall and if anyone dared talk back to me I’d beat them till they shut up. I’d scream at them and smack them over the head and if they cry it’s their fault and they deserve more. Like you. I hate it when you scream and even more than that I hate that you can’t admit your faults and refuse to grow up. There’s no light in your eyes, no brightness in your heart, and your soul remains dull and ugly. I pray God forgives you, and I pray He gives me the ability to forgive you too.

A girls beauty only exists as an extant form of a decay
The ****** gets down on her knees
to pray
that God delivers her a good good man
to come, and demand, for her hand in marriage
A girls beauty will never exist as long as her lips haven’t tasted true love’s kiss
her legs are long and bare and
her face is rosy, fair
and that silky hair can be wound around his rough calloused fingers
The beauty of girlhood is being used
Desiring love and being pursued
And if he doesn’t think I’m beautiful? Do I have any worth at all?
Lost innocence is a beauty (a sweet sweet tragedy) so utterly unattainable, (only for those girls with their blue bell eyes and their waif-ish thighs) I’m left to wonder
am I even a woman
at all?

the sting of first love felt a million times over
i lay in my bed and dream you’re my lover
pluck all the leaves off a  four-leafed clover
so unlucky in love and ill never recover because
i stand in my feelings as they pool to my chin
i stand, and i wallow, and i never give in
unwavering heart, never worn on my sleeve
if i say how I feel, sweet boy, would you leave?
heart has fallen a million times
love has been given over a million lives
that childishly innocent rush
of a sweet school girl crush
tug my hair behind my ear and i feel my face flush
over and over and over
my feet are glued to the floor, and i simply do not have the courage to move forward

Girls as sweet as cream, as pastries
wispy, airy, baby fairy
Weeping girls with their lovely flushed cheeks
I stand before you and my knees grow weak
I stand before you, and my soul grows meek
Do you see my heart shatter like a dropped antique?
Cuz I’m small, but not dainty
Small, not faint of heart
too loud, too much, not enough and I know
You’d much better love a girl as sweet as apple ****
Cuz how can I be your Ophelia when my tragedy isn’t piteous?
and how could I be worth loving
if my body is so, so hideous?
Or if my lips aren’t kissable? My heart not worth devouring?
What beauty does a young girl have if she’s not worth deflowering?

So little, so fragile
Sweet pretty girl
Slender thighs
Big doe eyes
and long silky curls
that fall to an itty bitty waist
I wish to be that small and cute
and hardly take up space

Yes, I wish my body were so small
that I’d collapse into myself
and disappear
I’d fit into your world, I’d fit into your pocket
So tiny you could set me in a locket and carry
me close to your breast
Perhaps, if I look like a girl
You’d finally see me as woman
Then I could see myself as one too
and the world would think I’m lovely

Delicate princess, angelita
Say I’m your little ******
I’m sensitive you know
So love me gently (you never do)

placed you on an alter, i fell to my knees
and instead of sweet nothings
i offered prayers and pleas
your feet swung in the air, far far away
face terrified and helpless
as you listened to me pray

to save me, save me i begged for deliverance
my worship, my reverence, our eventual severance
made myself an offering all while feigning ignorance
when you tore off your thorns i feigned indifference