I'm back in that same place
writing my thoughts in my safe space
these days
life's becoming a phase
of stress and chaos that creates
bad moods and traits
and I might as well be in an orphanage cause nobody relates
to the **** that I'm going through
man if you only knew
bout half of the ****
that I let sit
in my brain and eat at me like a parasite
that's why I'm up at night
wishing
I was still  that kid with a lite brite
chilling watching television
Wishing
on the stars that glowed on my ceiling
I use to wish for a bike or a new toy
now I just wish they didn't destroy
that little boy
in a sense
my innocence
was taken and destroyed
life smashed into me like a ******* asteroid
look what they did
turned this kid
into a fraction of a man
they think I'm ok I just hide it the best I can
but at night
I'm all alone and my demons come to fight
that's when I start sinking
into a dark ocean
of emotion
over thinking
with tears in my eyes
waiting for the sun to rise
so the darkness can subside
if the world only knew
what the **** they put me through
friends getting down to a few
she says it's me and you
but I still feel concerned
internal scars from all the times that I've been burned
I hope that your happy look what yall did to me
abandonment issues and ******* anxiety

back in the day
they would say
why don't you go out to play
don't have a toy
boy
that's ok
just play pretend
use your imagination
you can be anything
astronaut or king
I would act like a ninja
in the
park with my cousin
I'd play dungeons
and dragons
pretend to be a cowboy with wagons
and a horse
of course
I was a rock star I was a hero
I saved worlds and used Sub-Zero
I would pretend I was
everywhere except where I was
drift away with my imagination
because
I was alone in the world and I didn't have a friend
so I made one up his name was Jimmy I would pretend
to have conversation
with him and then
we'd pull out the action figures
do there voices and salute the Victor's
mom would pretend that I wasn't an *******
as I pretended I was King of the castle
now I'm all grown up and I hear them say
man go play pretend and act like your ok
pretend that you don't ****
pretend for a moment that you give a ****
pretend that your not garbage
where's that  imagination
pretending you'd do better well there's people ******* waiting
now imagine you were great
imagine if you didn't have to create
a fake smile and pretend to be ok
I use to play
pretend for fun
to think of things that I'd
become
but a disappointment wasn't one

in her eyes I see more beauty than all the stars combined
getting lost inside her galaxy
as the planets all align
this is fine
this is divine
this is perfect when your
hand is in mine
if I had the power
I would stop time
so we're frozen like this
lips pressed we kiss
time stops nothing else
seems to exist
no fear no depression
no anger no stressing
just holding her close caressing
her hair
and I swear
on the stars that I see in her eyes
that I'll bring light when there's dark skies
on the horizon
screaming I love you can you hear me now like verizon
through the dark through the storms through the pandemic
through hell and back till it's angelic
and we feel the glory
writing this love story

tomorrow when I wake up maybe I'll feel better
grab the needle and the thread and pull myself together
triple knot and burn that ****
yea cauterize the wounds
but the memory will last through many moons
and these scars will last forever
through whatever
I endeavor
sometimes it just seems
like I'm falling apart at the seams
like an old sweater
and I just wanna take my flaws and bury them like treasure
you'd think I was a diamond cause what I feel is pressure
some days I just feel lonely
looking in the mirror
I don't even know me
who's the dude in this reflection
it's not clearer
upon inspection
and the darkness that dwells within spreads like a **** infection
we're worried about objecting
this election
and covids got us stressing
so worried about others we spend no time correcting
our own imperfections
we're just floating in the water
we're surrounded by the sharks
just trying to stay afloat as we're ripped to parts
a nation divided
throw me off this plane cause I don't feel united
we use to stand together now I just feel alone
jotting thoughts into this phone
cause the crowds
can't gather here
let me **** up more please
hold my beer
as I sink in the misery
that's hitting harder than a twisted tea
and I just spread the hurt
sitting on my thrown I'm the emperor of dirt
you can have it all cause there's nothing left to give
this isn't what was wanted not how were supposed to live
the pain and stress makes us wanna collapse
and we're just hiding it underneath this mask

who turned out the lights I'm sitting in the dark
looking for a flicker but i think i lost my spark
feeling like a piece of paper being ripped apart
anxiety off the chart
palpations of the heart
in a ******* race with a car that won't start
with no wheels missing 16 parts
get ur cuisinarts
and put ur hearts
in a blender
pouring out shots as we venture
through the darkness
through the trauma
hello momma
hello papa
there's no nirvana
I just wanna
**** marijuana
and forget my drama
but I'm haunted like a house
possessed by a ghost
welcome to the pity party
I guess that I'm the host