I'm not your boyfriend
realistically speaking,
I never will be.
You think you know how much you're hurting me but you really don't.
Nights spent without you
I'm curled up in a very neat,
as small as I can manage, ball.
I sob quietly sometimes
others I just lay
absent and vacant of any emotion
I can press my fingertip to and point out.
When I'm with you,
I question everything,
every smile,
every flirtatious bat of your eye,
every letter in the words "I love you" I'm not the person you want.
I'm just your best friend who's a good lay.
How can I believe in a love
that you never give me reason to trust?
How can you be "in love" with me
but still so blindly
and
unapologetically hurt me.
I'm a good friend,
just not good enough to be a boyfriend.
But hey, you're getting what you want. And as much as it hurts,
as much as I know I'm not permanent, as much as my self worth depletes
I will continue to fall prey
to my overwhelming amount of love strictly directed at you.
When the pants end
and were laying in bed silently listening to music
I'm thinking of what I can do to make you love me the way I love you
I'll wonder what you believe what we are.
What you expect of me.
Nothing matters anymore.
I just want you to be happy.

You are the invisible forces I have no choice but to bend to.
I don't want the strength to move mountains,
just to move the shadow cast over your heart.

I will not allow myself to be hurt
I will stop myself from feeling love
I refuse to feel envious
I will drain emotions from me and replace them with ***** and ***
If I feel nothing at all
then maybe
Maybe
I'll free myself
So please everyone
Watch me as I **** off
every ounce of my humanity
It's nothing personal
But I'm not allowed to care anymore
I don't want to.

Like piano keys stuck too hard
As the blade of the knife once was
A needle that you ***** yourself with,
I am sharp.
Not intellectually,
Though I am intelligent,
I'm sharp as in
I am abrasive on ones ears as I enter and leave
I cut deep without effort
I surprise one without being noticed
I am the headache that comes without warning
I am the cold shooting up your spine
I am the fear you forgot you had.
I am the silence looming in the room that makes you uneasy
I am the cliché moving eyes in a portrait
I am a ghost
Living in a husk
This summer brought out the worst in me
Last spring was the best spring of my life.
This fall will be a season of dea, dry skin,
A kin to  the dead, dry leaves
I hope over this winter into this spring
I am reborn.
I hope I drop my drinking nightly
I hope I clear my lungs
I hope I can love music again
I hope I can play the piano gently
I hope I become dulled with use
I hope I remember to hand you a thimble
Hoping isn't enough though.
I'm going to pursue this
I know you won't wait
You probably don't want to
But even if I just earn back best friend status
That
That will be enough
I will be happy

I'll just finish this pack then go to bed brah.

If it meant having you, I would have chosen to never hear a note of the music that saved my life.

I hate myself more every time your eyes meet mine.
I feel their pressure
I feel your love in your gaze
I feel you trying to let go.
I feel myself trying desperately to help
I feel all these things but I'm numbing myself.
Soon I won't feel anything.