I wish I had never met Death.

Her name sours my stomach and,
scratches my skin.

I hope I never hear her name,
when I begin again.

Try to explain a rhyme
To someone that can't hear

To live
Oh, to live
is to be so afraid to die.

I’ve lost a part of me,
but I can’t remember why.

Past, present, future;
they’re all the same.

One more year,
same old game.

Last night I dreamed I
slipped and slit my throat on stacking bills

I called the repo man
,he said he didn't give a ****.
Told me that they took his car too.

I gave up on being angry.
Gave up on having hope.
Seems like, I always end up in this boat.

Sorry for myself? Maybe a bit
Mostly just deeply despise
the person I begged myself not to become.

Turning into my mother's -
Plural.

The first - alcoholic
Child lost.

The second- pitifully poor
Child raised to learn how to never ask for help.

Never smart enough to help themselves.

Yes, a young version of myself
would be happy to see who I am today.

However,
I don't feel a sense of
~pride~
(Picture rainbow letters if you wish)

It's been a hard year.

The first
Since I've really been "out".

But it's been deafeningly lonely
And confusing

Lately -
I don't recognize myself at all.

Maybe I never have,
or never will.

Seems everyday I lose more confidence.

Maybe it's the drugs
Or the alcohol
Or the ******* pandemic
Or maybe everyone just feels this way
and I'm a raging narcissistic

I saw a quote today
"Growth will also feel like loss."

It's fitting.

Seeing as I feel like I lose myself more and more each day.

Slumlords sleep
while poor souls weep,
for bills won't meet
And children's feet -
growing and growing and growing.

Pressure's building.
Age not slowing.

I thought it would be calm by now.

But things are worse,
&
To God I curse.

Nothing is going as planned.

I'm trying to look at the positive.

Looking
And
Looking
And
Looking

God, please
Is there a positive?