summer of sprinklers & sparklers

empty, sullen, somber autumn air

dark gray is the only color left

as the sky weeps like our loved ones

who question why...why...why did they have to go?...

when i can't sleep at night i still ask myself the same thing.

it isn't exactly comfortable enough to dream here in this 3 x 7 oak box.

this isn't how i want to remember us.

the yellow rose was a fallacy...the roses left at our grave are wilting & oozing black tears...

no one has visited in a while or changed out the water let alone leave new flowers

only brown leaves swirl in circles, dancing across the damp earth, intertwined with the mist & fog from the bog

i wish i could at least dance with your ghost but you haven't come out, not once.

i roam the grounds alone, staring up at the stars wondering if i could have spared us this grim ending...

and this isn't how i want to remember us.

my tears nurture this soil, making baby's breath bloom everywhere they fall beneath my bare frostbitten toes.

even though our fire dimmed to death these bones still ache for it's warmth

i swear i was going to love you...and i could swear you did too...

it was an open casket, you lied there with your eyes closed but darling i was still looking at you...searching for a sign of reversal...

did you see the look of shock & dismay on their faces at our wake?...or how many tears were shed at our burial?

no one saw this coming, not even us...not even you.

that may be the worst part.

i may have been a poet but not even i could have rewritten our narrative,
no amount of adjectives or metaphors could have resurrected our story.

but this is not how i want to remember us.

our headstone remains unwritten as they move your body to the countryside...my cheeks sink in & limbs all decay

and though we're long gone, they can still see me with a shovel at 11:11 when the moon illuminates the earth...weeping with the sky... still trying to resurrect what we used to be . . .

i think you could be someone i could get used to.
someone i could want to spend all of my time with.

though i don't know you yet,
i just know this.

i haven't gotten lost in your eyes yet,
but so far they make me feel at home.
the way they say so much, so many loud things but so, so quietly.

i was never taught how to swim yet i find myself swimming out of the cold, deep, crystal blue water and diving into your soft green milky way.

i think you could be someone who could easily dazzle me, without even trying.

it's exciting here
it's scary here
but it's quiet here.

you are the beaming comet bursting it's way through my galaxy
that i never saw coming,
and i am making space for you . . .

i think you could be someone i could fall for
without even knowing it until it has me shattered into billions of stars scattered across the vast indigo sky . . .

i think you could be someone i could care for
with everything i am, without even trying . . .

i do not want to mess it up
i do not want to speak too soon or move too fast
i do not want to scare you off or say too much
i do not want to make you hurt
i do not want to overthink . . .

i think you could be someone i would want to have and belong to in return without a single doubt in sight . . .


i think you could be someone i could get used to.
someone i could want to spend all of my time with.

though i don't know you yet,
i do know this.

The wind carried the music away
as we walked side by side.

That way you looked into my eyes
from time to time
like there was nowhere else you'd rather be
than next to me.

The wind carried our laughter away
as your shoulder brushed against mine.

The way we could just simply walk together
with no destination
& be perfectly content
was everything I could possibly long for.

I never knew
something as simple as
walking next to someone
would make me feel
as if my heart is overflowing
with the light of
all the stars in the universe
until I met you.

"there's things i want to say to you, but i'll just let you live...
there's things i want to talk about, but better not to give...
but if you hold me without hurting me, you'll be the first who ever did..."

The scent
of your skin,

The touch
of your hands,

The sound
of your voice,

The taste
of your words;
hard to swallow pills,

The look
in your crystalline eyes

Haunt me
like unwelcomed ghosts.

you used to smile to your eyes
i used to always wonder why
you frowned the day you bought me peaches

i thought we'd have a lot more time
i thought you were forever mine
i wish we could have seen those beaches

but i know you're lost
you're scared your gain will be less than the cost,
but i'll still be here until the first frost...

nose deep in scars
you left behind
like cars in an airport parking lot

while i stare at stars
you feel so far
in your little haunted house

tucked away
we fade to gray
but i know
you're happy & safe

tucked away
among the trees
the grass
& an autumn breeze . . .

i always imagined your new home
painted beige, big porch to hug the bones,
little pond & big brown stepping stones

perhaps a swing
she'll get to grow up in
fastened beneath a great oak tree,
grass stains & scrapes on her knee

among the fields
the bugs, wild flowers
bonfires & talks for hours

but i know you're gone
you're there, you're new beyond compare
to say "hello" would i ever dare?...

nose deep in scars
you left behind
like cars in an airport parking lot

while i stare at stars
you feel so far
in your little haunted house

tucked away
we fade to gray
but i know
you're happy & safe

tucked away
among the trees
the grass
& an autumn breeze . . .

i move in, settle in the attic
among the dust, the fuzz
& faded photographs

how else would i know
you spritz your cologne
12 times before leaving
the house?

& that your favorite meal
is dinner? or that you wish
your room was bigger?

but i know you'll fall,
i'll roam these halls
i'll haunt your walls
& wish that you would call...

through the woods
through the weeds,
planting clues
while you're planting seeds

i know you're busy
but i'm getting dizzy
from being your ghost
'thought i'd get to love you
the most...

nose deep in scars
you left behind
like cars in an airport parking lot

while i stare at stars
you feel so far
in your little haunted house

tucked away
we fade to gray
but i know
you're happy & safe

tucked away
among the trees
the grass
& an autumn breeze . . .

friendliness
loneliness
i'll be the ghost
in your haunted house

friendliness
loneliness
i'll be the ghost
in your haunted house

you still make me laugh
as you tell jokes at the dinner table
& you still make me sad
when you cry in the dark,
i'd wipe your tears f'i was able

i watch you go, watch you return
just to leave again

i watch you grow, watch you stumble
& hold her hand
when the thunder rumbles

you fog & fumble
it's jogged & jumbled
i watch as your brand-new
castle crumble

nose deep in scars
you left behind
like cars in an airport parking lot

while i stare at stars
you feel so far
in your little haunted house

tucked away
we fade to gray
but i know
you're happy & safe

tucked away
among the trees
the grass
& an autumn breeze . . .

friendliness
loneliness
i'll be the ghost
in your haunted house

friendliness
loneliness
i'm still the ghost
in your haunted house...

there's this technique
us overthinkers (don't) like to use,
and it's called
assuming the worst.

nothing will truly
be able to fully put
my mind at ease
until then.

it's a coin flip:
heads or tails?
it's as simple and
complicated as that.

i don't know if i'm
getting you back tomorrow
or losing you forever.

and there's nothing more
terrifying than
not knowing until then.

so until then,
i'll assume the worst.
brace myself...only to
not know how to handle
it when (if) it does occur.

i will know by this time tomorrow...
and that's somehow scarier.

what not to say to an overthinker:
1) "can we meet up and talk?"
and especially not...
2) "i'd rather talk sooner than later"

i look up at just the right time:
11:11.

if there's anything these past
few months have taught me,
it's that even when you
are expecting an ending,
no matter how long it's arrival
has been awaited...it still
never makes it any easier
when it finally arrives.

the night was their day.

& i've had to tell some lies about some strange things just to get here.

undercover farm boy posing as a city man.

making music just to say something but everyone likes it.

close your ears to the snakesong, or don't, the truth about me is only hearsay among these fruits.

it must mean something if they've got to try so hard to disengage (?)

we're off the deep end & we both don't know how to swim.

the fox never strays too far away.

if i ever get out of this town, would you follow? would you follow?...

i'd stay here forever & go mad if it meant staying in the same city as you.

set in our collective future;

there he is with his hair slicked back tight, sharp in colors they chose, supported by thunderous onomatopoeias as he walks towards the red hanging velvet;

there, to speak in front of the pretentious sea of (not) well-known greek gods & goddesses.

we embrace in the cold & we leave in the cold.

are we just running from something we know is atomic?

or are we just chasing after something overnight & ironic?

the vineyard is closing in. beads of sweat still glisten in the winter morning sun.

there, when i closed my eyes, you co-starred for the very first time (you must be on my mind that much).

i pace alone while you're wining & dining.

i shiver & stammer as i remember him saying "i feel like i have to with you..." when i told him he doesn't have to be on for me all the time...

is this why you leave? is this why you leave?...

my breath left my lungs & my roots embedded themselves into the earth. a certain kind of realized sadness glazed over the windows.

all i ever want is for mutual reconstruction,

but all that remains is all that remains.

lights dim, warm
like the tongues of tiny flames
grazing my skin.

walked-on carpet,
not as fluffy as day one
beneath my bare feet.

hem of my white dress,
tiny yellow flowers
blossoming at my toes.

chin and summer-flushed cheek
resting heavily, sulking
against my fist.

breathing accelerates.

the thrill.
the oblivion.
the fear.
the relief.
the loneliness.
the aching.
the feeling-found.
the feeling-seen.
the possibility--

--of words,
pen to paper.

right in front of me

"write,"
i command my fingers.

"write and never stop."

sweet churns sour.

stable now shakes.

sun into somber.

night seeps into day until they become one.

curtains drawn.

sunless skin.

sleepless eyes.

increased to 20mg.

little white tablet, taken once daily.

CAUTION

world in swirls.

lay down lay down . . .

can't stay awake...

don't want to be awake...

it hurts . . .

stomach befriends the throat

befriends the mind, befriends the mouth.

i want to collapse...

it takes getting through hell to be happy.

and the worst part is, i'm not sure if it's worth it.

i threw my alarm clock away this morning.

ambushed from the start.

left with scars i never asked for..

gifted trauma i never wanted..

my anger is my fault.

my pain is my fault.

guilt.

IT'S LOVE!

fallacy.

as if nothing anyone does is hurtful? . .

burns..

scars..

hurts..

worse..

but he couldn't talk me off that ledge..

if i asked you for help, would you . . .

or would you say nothing again . . .

you don't know the half of it,

won't you show you want to?

safety

they "protect" me but they hurt me..

shove me in that corner..

ashamed, i feel..

no one should have to admit.

what is the purpose behind the ache?

i'm looking, but it's never-ending . .

i stand

screaming

crying

waving my arms

jumping up and down . .

my s.o.s. . . .

can you hear me? . .

do you see me? . .

why do you turn the other way? . .

hoping maybe if you ignore me long enough, i'll just go away? . .

maybe soon, maybe far

who'll feel sorry when i do someday? . .

~

it has only been a few weeks,
but we confess it feels more like home
than anything & to our surprise

my body sinks deeper and deeper into
slumber & safety within your warm & familiar embrace,
my mind, a now soundless space as
my heart reaches a state of harmony alongside it

& even as we lay still & silent,
firm yet gentle with one another
and we fall into reassuring peace full of newness,
i don't have it in me to reach up & touch you . . .

everything i touch shatters or stains . . .
and i couldn't sleep at night
knowing that.

as we lay in perfect silence
wrapped within & folded into each other,
no one but the
incense that has fallen onto your dresser
& your ceiling painted a pale color i barely remember
witness this innocent scene . . .

your hand slowly reaches up
& grazes my chin, raising it to meet your sleepy gaze

hearts racing but beating just the same,
foreheads barely touching

our lips softly come together,
and for the first time in forever
i feel free . . .

when you kiss me
everything else fades to gray,
the rest of the world falls away,
all sense of time, lost
i can't remember how to breathe
& i suddenly forget how to move . . .

it's different this time, here with you

everything that once shattered & stained by my touch now shimmers & shines . . .

i feel your hands move slowly
as they touch me in ways
that used to hurt but now only heal . . .

i want to stay here
like this
with you

i want to feel this
right here
right now
& every day
from here on out . . .

~

i kind of love it
when it all falls apart.
because then i know
it will only become
better than it ever was.

& i no longer daydream
about a life where
sadness is starring in
my own movie.

how does it feel
to make love to the
middle of the week?

to be a perfect stranger
to the one that makes you meek?

to kiss me in a peculiar fashion,
to miss me in the smallest of rations,
to touch me with the maddest passion?

how does it feel
to have left with reason
but still want more,
more throughout the season?

Hours, how many more hours longer until the butterflies cooped
                  within this hollow stomach of mine tell me you're near?
Umbrella terms for emotions that cannot be expressed with words.
God, only God knows if we will meet for the first time all over again...

For the first time in what feels like forever,
I felt most myself tonight..
Felt more human than ever.

Standing in the bluegrass field,
gazing up at the swirling hues
that made up the night's sky,
violet, navy, fuchsia, gold..
A single tear drop falling
from my eyes
as I listen to a song
my lover gave to me.

This is when I feel most human.
Most myself.
When I feel the depths of the earth
beneath my feet
as I loose my balance & grasp on
everything I had previously come to know,
as I become fixated upon the
vivid masterpiece above..
As I feel my broken heart
still somehow beating
out of my chest
even though it is hurting & scattered
across the fertile grounds
like seeds of love to be sown..

I took a deep breath in...

I closed my eyes & let my
hands fall to my sides.
I opened my eyes & looked past
the horizon..
I noticed the softness of my hair
grazing my cheek as it was sweeping
across my vision gently by the
breeze..

In that moment,
I felt like me.

Standing there, I knew who I was.
And I know that no one will ever
convince me otherwise..

leave.

they say

run.

they say

stay...

i say

leave.

they say...

I must be foolish
for thinking
that the way we talked,
the words we said,
the glances we shared
were only enough
to be
"just friends"

I miss you
though you're standing
right next to me.

I miss you
in ways you
will never fully know.

I miss you
in ways I
feel I will never be able to
accurately explain.

I miss you
in ways I
will fastidiously express with you.