everything i was

everything i stood for

identity pulled from me

turned inside out

disected all the wrong parts

placed in the hot spotlight

backed into the corner...

no one by my side

no one there as i fell & kept falling...

learned to be there for myself...

no more relying on anyone...

no more believing anyone...

voice taken from me.

words stolen.

thoughts no longer mine.

emotions never belonging to me.

forgot who i was...

nothing i could do or say...

lost myself...

all i wanted was to be happy again.

to be myself.

to love
& be loved.

i built my wall...my protection from others who would try to pull me down just to hurt me.

i'd never let anyone see that they got to me...

couldn't let anyone in...crashing into who i really want to be...vulnerable.

could you feel it?

could you understand why i am who i am?

crying the oceans into existence while you lived on...

made to feel like someone else...

made to feel like my trauma is my fault...

made to feel like my pain was because i did it to myself...like i wanted this...

stripped of all my happiness..

made to feel like i allowed myself to be taken..

always taken.

taken for granted.
taken advantage of.

what will be next?...

will you hte me?...

will you hte that i am not healed yet?...

will you hte that i need your hand?...

will you hte the very thought of me?...

will you shiver at the thought of me wanting to love you...

the reassuring, embracing
sensation
of my bare feet
testing the ground,
with sleepy eyes..

the wam, soft rain
pattering against my window..
asking for my hand for a dance..

the construction workers
up and at 'em
at the corner..

the tiny bird
chirping
as the sky turns from
deep indigo
to teal
to pale blue
with the sun's vivid golden rising..

the owl outside
synchronous with
the grandfather clock
gong downstairs..

an ambulance siren already...

the rumble of the world..
cars whirring and
crisp, spring,
early morning breeze..

the foggy, green-blue tint of the atmosphere..
familiarity and comfort..

the twinkle of the dew
intricately laced atop the blades of grass
unseen for months of snow..

i look back at the impression
in my bed from where i had slept.

brushed the hair out from my eyes
and headed for the door..

i suppress the monster within,
hungry for more of you.

it can be found
hidden in plain sight,
never gone
but a little shy in the light.

it lurks in the shadows
beneath my eyes,
from long sleepless nights
of missing what we used to be

it resides in the music
we shared and grew
new life from

some may say
it has red eyes,
sharp claws,
and gnashing teeth,
awaiting your return
only to have your heart ripped to shreds...

but it only sees you
for what you are,
sees you for who you were,
who you're trying to be,
and who you want to become.

it's waiting for you
to see you're stronger than you feel,
to see you're capable of being loved
and always hoping you will
remember how to love in return...

a creature of habit,
it loves it hurts it loves it hurts
it doubts it believes it doubts it believes...

it knows that unconditional
means seeing the darkest parts of another
and loving them more despite
how scary it might be,
being fully known, fully seen.

a monster's reputation
stained like red wine
on a white **** rug...

ruby red eyes that are actually
deep brown and yearning to meet yours again . . .
sharp claws that are actually
soft hands aching to touch what was once theirs . . .
and gnashing teeth that are really just
warm lips longing to merely graze the edge of yours . . .

and nothing less than
a cracked heart,
awaiting something it hopes
one day will find it's way back to it,
home and to stay,
maybe once and for all . . .

My mind pressed
Replay
Replay
Replay

Please,
I listen to what you
say

I don't want to walk
away

But hurt me
& I will one
day.

i wonder if
you still read
my poems
or if you
stopped
when they
ceased to be
about you . . .

although the leaves have turned brown
& the wind has them fallen to the ground,
the sky has turned a shade of gray
& the air bites gently at fingertips,
pumpkins & pies take over dinner plates
& multicolored lights decorate our homes,

i will always remember him with sunkissed skin
& soft brown wind-blown hair,
that same wide smile
& a smooth warm voice,
with summer-crazed eyes
& a daisy in his hair . . .
<3

do you know what it feels like,

feeling like you'll lose them
if you don't do something

and feeling like you'll lose them
if you do anything?

Thank you for helping me find
what I didn't even know was lost.

And thank you for helping me realize
that it never was truly, lost...

Myself.

i own no one
an apology
for my feelings.

i don't own anyone
an explanation
for why i feel
the way i do,
i just do.

i am not in a place of
overdraft
because i am affected
by the way they make me feel
small...invalidated...
unexperienced...mistaken...
confused­...doubtful.

i am not in debt
to anyone
by not proving to them
that i was happy...
that i was in love...
that i was myself.

i own no one
my energy
in trying to convince
them that what we were
was real...
when they've already decided
we weren't enough to have
ever really been valid...
to have ever truly existed . . .

The sky was
Red
Like the blood that my heart
Bled
While silent tears were
Shed,
Longing for all the words I wish you had
Said.
Yet instead, you hid and you
Fled,
My deepest fear that I
Dread.
The loudness & messiness inside of my
Head
Surrounded me as I lay perfectly still in my
Bed.
I wrote to you the words that I never
Said,
Waiting for an answer...
But you left me on
“Read”.

Dilute the ache if you can
Even if you can't sugar coat
Please tell me you'll love me from afar
Afar, i will love you
Reaching, stretching far into oblivion
Torture, to miss you
Unable to touch you
Remember me, darling, remember me . . .
Even if you forget to

cursed with a broken replay button.

sometimes it's beautiful..

sometimes it's painful.

but tonight, was beige..

neutral. natural. beige.

i always leave

but i never really leave.

stuck on repeat

repeat

rewind

repeat

replay

repeat

relive

repeat

r­e-feel

repeat. . .

i relive a moment over and over
long after it has taken place.

sometimes it's beautiful..

sometimes it's painful.

and i won't sleep
until i get this one right.

i take a photo of the food i made myself for dinner with quiet pride.

only this time, i don't send it to you.

I put on a show.
You're easily entertained.
You never notice
my pain at its worst...
I'm not okay.
And you are okay with that.

we found each other

when neither of us were looking.

unaware of it at first but then we collided full force & without a doubt that this could work.

one look into each other's eyes & we knew just how we felt. we knew what we were thinking with not a single word needing to be spoken.

you were always the one i would look for in a crowded room...and when i found you, it's like everyone & everything else would fade into the background & fall away...

like nothing. else. mattered...

i told you i wanted you...all of you & all of your darkness as well as light.

i wanted to know you...really see you.

and when i finally did, i still loved you...

when you saw the real me, you couldn't love me back...

sweet memories quickly turned sour...
& was it even our fault?

was it even our fault?...

a relationship turned "situationship"...

there's never simplicity only complexity.

there's always so much to say & no time to say it.

or if there is time, there's no idea on how to express...

i understand you.

i hope you understand me.

i like to think i know you best.

i tried to integrate myself into you but it only scared you away more...

i see you...

i like to think you see me too
but this time you acrually like what you see...

I will never forget
when you told me
that when someone is
out of your life,
It becomes easier
for you to move on
fast.

When I'm out of yours,
that will be all I will
think about.

You forgetting me...
You letting me go...

For me,
there is no easy way out.
Whether they are
in my life
or out of the picture...
It only becomes harder.

My heart just doesn't work that way.

i'll miss the way
you used to feel so fond
for me..

only if you knew
how much i could
love you.

one look
from across the room
and see all the hurt
that's ever inhabited your heart,
weighing you down..
one touch
gently grazing your arm
and i feel the hurt i've caused you..

you don't deserve this..
you deserve to feel seen..
inside and out..
the light and the dark..
and you deserve all of it to be loved..
it's my job to protect you..
it's my job to love you..

but what do i do when the one hurting you is myself?...
how do i protect you from me?...
i can either go away forever..
or i will be better for you..
that's how.
but you choose . . .

i feel it..
you never let me forget it..
i feel it every day,
waking or sleeping,
that goes by
that you don't say a word . .

a black and navy sea of stars.

a match blanketed by shreds of trees.

a cylinder of white.

the scent of warm summer days . .

when everything feels like a smile.

glazed ceramic of yellow.

the taste of salt . .

sad, pure, and promising.

don't touch it

but we persist.

don't play with fire

they've always told us.

but we insist it isn't playing.

limbs, soft with innocent skin . .

warm blood flowing beneath.

it isn't the person who's deserving of hurt . .

but the person who's deserving of being seen & understood.

and who would stop you?

no one.
wouldn't he? . . .
. . .hurting is no longer concerning. . .
maybe he wants you to hurt . . .

know that this is far from being something to guilt you..
i just need you to see that i hurt too when i hurt you..

how many times?

one

two

three

four

more?

not too close

but just enough we resist . . .

"I don't think I ever truly felt time until I started waiting to see you. Of course when I'm with you, I don't feel time in the slightest".

I need you
to be strong for me
when I am weak
& one blink away
from tears falling.

I want to be
strong for you
when you are fragile
& one breath away
from breaking.

left me
lying on the earth within the woods,
rain-soaked leaves of autumn notes comforting my fall.

left me
crying on the wheel,
bones bitten by brutal wind.
a deafening silence...
the sound of you
not next to me.

heart pounding.

tip of my nose red
apples of my cheeks pink
from the returning frostbite
from the absence of your warmth.

heart slows.

97.
esophagus losing the battle.

heart stops.

though my mind will never cease.

the love my heart once carried will never decrease,
long after i am deceased..

the days i felt the warmth of your skin accidentally grazing against mine

when you used to call me darling.....

when i would look into your eyes and feel anything other than pain...

when i still remembered the sound of your voice..

when we gave selflessly without a thought of what would be returned...

when we felt everything...

when we felt things together...

when we were a we...not a you and me...

divisi...

when the "little things" weren't little...trivial..

when nothing went unnoticed...

from the subtlest of sighs when no one else is looking to the grandeur of passionate embraces...

twirling beneath the summer sun, falling leaves, or drifting snowflakes..

when we supported each other...

when we forgave and let go...

when we understood..

and we wanted it to last forever..

but that was forever ago...

everyone tells you to
leave..

everyone tells you to
walk away..

everyone tells you to
run..

so leave..

leave me behind
only to stay where you are..

i wasn't meant to be loveable
anyway..

i pry myself from my bed.

i skip the shower
and i wash my face with only water.

i brush my teeth
and tie my brown hair back
with that small beige hair tie
i let you borrow that one day..

i lay down in the soft lights . . .
drowning in thick, heavy blankets.
a single tear falls from my left eye,
streaming down my flushed cheek,
and pools in my ear..

i sit up..
unable to breathe.
sweat covering my back...neck...chest...arms...legs...all of me..
praying this was only a fever dream.

trying to accept a painful truth.
he does not want me
he does not want me. . .

i lay back down..
forever in my dreams
and never to be next to me again..

i want to be there..
but you made me feel so bad
for feeling everything as hard as i do..
one thing i thought you loved about me. . .

my heart is running off of fumes..
i won't be able to make it..
it's been through an unspeakable journey
for you...because of you...and with you...
waiting to feel like you want to protect it...
but you can't protect it from yourself.
i want to protect yours from all the hurt this world wants to do unto it...
but i cannot protect yours from myself either . . .

but what comes next?...
what will we do now...
what will happen next...
and what are we now?...

watching as your car gets smaller as you drive away

it all goes blurry
as tears turn my eyes
into caleidescopes

you're the first and last thought of all my days

i'm not sure why i keep hoping you'll call me

or why i keep hoping one day you'd be standing there next to my car waiting with a hug & a kiss & an "i take it all back"...

i hope one day i'll get to be as lucky as the monarch that landed on your soft brown hair that day

or the freshly painted poles that stained your hand yellow

i would spend
all my pennies,
every shooting star,
every 11:11,
every dandelion,
all my birthday cake candle wishes
on you, darling

nothing makes a room feel emptier than wishing you were in it.
(or knowing you're not in it.)

i just want to be there
to hold you
to tell you it's all going to be alright
to kiss you in the rain
& be there through the dark & light.

i drive past your apartment
aching to just drop by,
stop to say hi,
bake a strawberry cake,
watch our favorite movies,
ask questions about life,
& kiss you in the dark until
the sun comes up.

pancakes for dinner
wouldn't be the same without you.

late night city drives wondering if you wish for these things too.

and all i do is spend
all my pennies,
every shooting star,
every 11:11,
every dandelion,
all my birthday cake candle wishes
on the hope that one day we'll do everything we said we would...

one day near, one day far

one day later, one day soon...

you don't really know me,
but i wish that you'd want to

you planted seeds,
but now it all just bleeds

no more daisies
no more poppies,
now all that’s left are weeds

one look from me, darling
and you signed the deed,
now I’m all that you need
and you’re all that I see

will you just let me know, love
when it's time to exceed? . . .

you don't really know me,
do you wish you never did?

one look from you,
now you wish that you hid

"no need to have it all worked out, love
you're just a kid!"
if my heart ever followed yours
would you want to get rid?

you don't really know me,
but i wish that you'd want to

you planted seeds,
but now it all just bleeds

no more daisies
no more poppies,
now all that’s left are weeds

one look from me, darling
and you signed the deed,
Now I’m all that you need
And you're all that i see

Will you just let me know, love
when it's time to exceed? . . .

"i'm writing a song!"
i wish i'd say to you,
and if i just said it
would you wish you never knew?

and ever since you touched me
my heart, it just grew

but now i really see you
and it's all so blue . . .

you don't really know me,
but i wish that you'd want to

you planted seeds,
but now it just bleeds

no more daisies
no more poppies,
now all that’s left are weeds

one look from me, darling
and you signed the deed,
now I’m all that you need
and you're all that I see

will you just let me know, love
when it's time to exceed? . . .

you used to call me
just to say sweet things.
my heart broke, but you made it feel free
I thought I opened yours, darling
but I see, one stroke & I made it flee

you helped me see
there’s more than just pain,
you made me believe
and now there’s just rain

I would take a bullet for you
Would you do the same?
I was just being myself
You made me feel insane . . .

you don't really know me,
but i wish that you'd want to

you planted seeds,
but now it just bleeds

no more daisies
no more poppies,
now all that’s left are weeds

one look from me, darling
and you signed the deed,
now I’m all that you need
and you're all that I see

will you just let me know, love
when it's time to exceed? . . .

he does the very thing
he told you he hated everyone
doing to him,
cuts you out
of his life
only to freely give his time
to others.

he says he's drained
yet still has enough
energy to give
to everyone,
except you...

this is what he wants you to feel.

he wants you to feel insignificant.
he wants you to feel unimportant.
he wants you to feel forsaken.
he wants you to feel forgotten.
he wants you to feel meaningless.
he wants you to feel the aching.
he wants you to feel as though you never e x i s t e d. . .