Dream after dream
Of you not wanting me...

Good for you,
See you’ve been working on your
Family tree

Hope she loves you
And you live & die so happily

You saw me crying
Begging, honey please just
Set me free

Already
Left to live my life
Just watch me, count to
Three…

I bite my tongue
until it bleeds
with my heart.
My foot slowly
pressing harder on
the gas pedal.
Heart pounding. Racing.
Racing my thoughts.
I close my eyes.
Zero to sixty
in a forty-five.
I am blessed & cursed.
I feel too much
too deeply
too often.
Everything, I take
to heart.
You know, yet here I sit
aching replaying words you said
& words you never said.
Vivid images replay in my mind;
You watching me walk away
when I needed you the most..
Zero to sixty.
I wonder what pain
would you feel if I
were gone?
Desperately needing
to know how much I
really mean to you.
Zero to sixty.
This is wrong.
I try to strip the thoughts
from my mind.
Stuck in my head,
struggling to keep my head
above the waves again.
Show me..
Show me these
"what if's" don't have a
need for existence...

Protecting you & keeping you safe is my job so if that means wearing a mask then I'll do whatever it takes without one moment of hesitation

I had all of you

I wish I had you for the most part

I have some of you

I feel like I have none of you

I'm afraid if you had all of me
you'd want to go back to having only
some.

I want to know
all of the parts
you don't dare show
anyone else

I want to love
all of the little pieces
everyone else finds
annoying

I want to see
every side of you
the good, the bad, the ugly
everything...

I want to touch
your heart in a way
no one else has ever
touched it
and take your breath away
just by looking in your
direction or by my arm gently
grazing yours when we stand
side-by-side

I want to hear
your sigh at the end
of a long day
and remind you that
you are enough
you are okay
you are known
you are loved
you are seen
you are felt
you are heard

Fall into me
love
& I will catch you

I will catch you
when you are falling
out of the up
& falling into the down
every time

I will catch you
when you are falling into
the darkness of your own
mind & mess

I will catch you
and wake you out of your
nightmares
to love you & hold you

Your eyes speak before you.
Please don't hide away
your pain, give it to me, love
I want it instead.
I feel it before you even say a word.
All the pain you feel, I'd take it for you...

I promise you,
every time
I will catch you...

Hands trembling
from the thought of
not feeling yours

Chasing after my breath
from the memory of
feeling you walk away

I have withdrawals
when we are apart

Is this too much?

Is it too much to want to
be by your side
every moment
my heart still beats?

I'm so easy to love
you tell me

I'm so worth loving
you say
There's so much to love...

But would you walk away
if you knew how much
I want to be able to love you
& be loved by you?

Would you walk away
if you felt the depths of my heart
& heard the way it beats louder than
ten billion fireworks,
and the roaring thunder of a thousand storms
at sea with its crashing waves
as all of the stars is the universe collide?

Would you still
if you knew how much
the butterflies in my stomach
make my cheeks turn red as rubies
every time our eyes meet?

Would you still love me
if you knew how far I'd go
to save you?

Would you laugh at
how much I want you to want me?
How much I want you to need me?

...or maybe
we'll just love without a care...
and just maybe we will match
each other's love & strengths
while we love like no one is watching...
like we only have this one moment...

one
moment...

Anxiety crawling up my throat

Oxygen unable to fill my lungs the way it's supposed to

It lives inside, demanding to be felt

I let it make it's way out

I look it straight into its ice cold crystal blue eyes

And I say "you no longer hold the permission to have control over me,"

"It is I who gets to have reign over you."

No more promises,

Because nothing is guaranteed in this life

Everything we thought we'd have can be taken away in the blink of an eye. . .

If the me that existed a few months ago went through what I'm going through tonight, she would be broken & collapsed on my floor without a single word, thought, feeling, or action that belonged to her, but to everyone else who knew what was good for her.
The difference now is I only feel stronger facing my deepest & darkest & most vulnerable fears despite being the only one fighting for myself.
I only feel stronger.
I only feel s t r o n g e r . . .

5th shot fired.

I stand alone once more
just the way I knew I would be.

The truth is out.

No longer something I carry
on my own.

If I was worth fighting for
why did it take this long
for you to want to?

A chance for conversation.

Would you deny me again?

I'm fighting...
fighting to make sure
I do not get backed into
the corner again
as I stand here alone
again...

Mental health took a dive into the deep end and I don't know how to swim.

To know you
and the depths
that you are afraid to show.
To unbutton your shirt
and make love to your soul.
And see you
for everything and all that you truly are
and love your heart even more,
despite your scars.

Lost connection.

No signal.

Bad reception.

Cut wires,
sparks flying & fizzling.

Cancelled wedding reception.

I scream into
the woods
for you.

All I hear is static.

Ocean waves thrashing.

Heart monitor crashing.

The moon is silent,
staring at me from
Earth's attic.

Awaiting a response.

Don't know what I expected
anymore...

Would you come for me?

Is there anything left of my heart
you adore?

I will always come back for more.

Just to see you wash up ashore...

If you knew the hurt
my heart knows,
maybe you would
think twice before...