my mind is fogged...colors faded to black & white.

my heart is broken...aching & too weak to fight.

all i want to do is sleep...sleep...sleep...sleep...

because at least in my dreams, you're with me

at least in my dreams, i am yours & you are mine.

i wake up & feel the pain in my heart...the reality reminding me.

i shut my eyes closed tight

i roll over to face the wall

and i squeeze my pillow tighter

a single warm tear rolls down my cheek & i can hear it as it plops onto my forever-tear-stained pillow.

the stars & mars watch over me as i lay there curled into a tight ball...nausea nights

i walk outside in my winter coat...find a spot where the snow is fluffiest, i spread out my arms and allow myself to fall backwards until i'm facing the sun...you come join me as we lay there...you turn your head to look at me & that's where we stay

the memories of us flood my mind with faded edges & an aesthetic filter hanging over it like vintage film cameras.

beige

take me back to the days i felt happiest.

there's still so much we haven't done...

promise me you'll think of me when you're ready...

promise me you'll think of me when you're better...

promise me you'll try.

i've seen a lot of eyes
but yours are the only ones i never look away from

i've seen a lot of smiles
but yours is the most genuine of them all

i've heard a lot of voices
but yours i always catch in a room full of people

i've met a lot of people
but you are my favorite

nothing will change

nothing has ever felt this natural

i have never felt this happy

with anyone

i've never felt so safe to be me

you make me feel easy to love

like i can just be me & so can you

i want to do that for you

& you do that for me.

i look out my window from across my bedroom and wonder if that's mars or venus blinking back at me.

everything is still so new.

then why does it feel this familiar? . . .

there's this technique
us overthinkers (don't) like to use,
and it's called
assuming the worst.

nothing will truly
be able to fully put
my mind at ease
until then.

it's a coin flip:
heads or tails?
it's as simple and
complicated as that.

i don't know if i'm
getting you back tomorrow
or losing you forever.

and there's nothing more
terrifying than
not knowing until then.

so until then,
i'll assume the worst.
brace myself...only to
not know how to handle
it when (if) it does occur.

i will know by this time tomorrow...
and that's somehow scarier.

what not to say to an overthinker:
1) "can we meet up and talk?"
and especially not...
2) "i'd rather talk sooner than later"

i look up at just the right time:
11:11.

if there's anything these past
few months have taught me,
it's that even when you
are expecting an ending,
no matter how long it's arrival
has been awaited...it still
never makes it any easier
when it finally arrives.

i've been making eye contact with a lot of 11:11s lately.

i hope it will rain tomorrow. i need someone to understand how this feels. the clouds never fail to do so.

i made sure i ate today and that might be my favorite little victory for the day.

i wait for you to say the word but fear it may never be said.

i got another mosquito bite today...that's 23.

i got really excited earlier when i felt my phone vibrate! i thought you were calling me but it was actually just a robot.

i laughed so hard earlier that my stomach hurt when my sister asked me who taylor lautner is married to...it's funny because her name is also taylor. if you know you know.

"love is patient"
is the first line.

they say if you insert their name in replacement for "love", and it is all true, then they're the one for you...i promise i am trying to be everything love is for you...

i find no struggle when i look in the mirror as i study my eyes and everything i used to be and never was that i so suddenly am.

this work-in-progress-yet-a-masterpiece of a mind, body, & old soul of mine.

i find no struggle when i look in the mirror...only that i hope you like what you see when you see me.

i threw away the rest of the brownies i baked in the trash because no one would finish them. they were air-stale.

it's (not) funny because that seems to be what happens in real life, isn't it? the love, time, thought, & effort we pour into others ends up thrown out because it goes unappreciated...or even worse...unloved in reciprocal.

(and no i'm not referring to you, you know who you are (i hope))

you'd think one would get used to it after many years.

but maybe not us. no, not those like us. it always hits as if it's the first time we're feeling it.

i made an interesting observation over the past several months: no matter how many chances i give others and no matter HOW many times they've hurt, disappointed, or let me down...it STILL surprises me. EVERY. SINGLE. time. and i don't know how...i don't know why...i don't know why.

i also made another observation...one less interesting but all the more wonderful: i can dance like no one's watching to the songs i used to cry to or skip...if that doesn't say healing i don't know what does.

11:11

i wish you will find that healing and peace soon, too.