i wonder what they tell you about me..

as if they knew more about me than you did..

i wonder if they hate me..

i wonder what you tell them about me..

i wonder how you make me sound..look..

i wonder how you talk about me..

i wonder what you say..

i wonder how you paint me..

make me out to be..

i wonder if they convinced you to never let me in..

i wonder if they despise my soul..

i wonder if they convinced you to run the other way..

i wonder if they hate my heart..

i wonder if you do..

i wonder if they convinced you that i am a monster..

i wonder if you tell them i'm "just another borderline"..

i wonder if they want me out of your life..

i wonder if you do..

i wonder if they say i'm toxic, holding up your life..

i wonder if they say i'm an abuser, as if that's all i've ever been..

i wonder why you hate my boundaries, as if i should break them for you..

as if i should feel ashamed for having any..

i wonder if i have to cast aside my thoughts and values, just so you can be happy with me..

pretend i'm just like you, in every way, not different..

i wonder if i'll let you do what you want with me..just so you won't leave..

i wonder if i should remain silent, letting you take the lead..

no longer in sync, in step..just quietly trailing behind..

i wonder if my experience, thoughts, and emotions were ever really valid..

i wonder if they told you to ignore me..

i wonder if they told you to because it would be 'self-care'..

i wonder if they told you that it's kind to walk away the way you do..

i wonder if they told you it's cool to be cold to the one who wants your affection..

as if it would make me want you more..

i wonder if they encourage you to not think of me..

i wonder if they tell you to forget you ever met me..

i wonder if you agree..

i wonder how you feel..

i wonder if i will ever feel closer to knowing the truth..

if i cringe

or quickly look away

when i see you..

know that it isn't

because it's you..

it's because i don't like

the version of myself

that i feel you see

when you look back

at me...

you no longer make me feel loveable..

i always knew i wanted to be with someone who would make me feel loveable even when i am at my absolute worst..my darkest..deepest, most vulnerable and real moments..

and i no longer feel that with you..

what's changed?

us.

and maybe we were perfect for each other, then..

but then we changed and now we're not?..

maybe you were who i needed...wanted...desired...

maybe  i was who you needed...wanted...desired...

but then we changed

and maybe now, the new you is not who i need...want...

maybe now, the new..temporary me is not who you need...want...crave...

feeling no regret when you hurt me..

"hurting you is the last thing i ever want to do..."

you leave me with ease..

"if i ever found out i hurt you, i would hate myself forever..."

you hurt me with pleasure..

why would i ever hear you say you're sorry..

feeling no remorse..

do you like it?

does it feel good, knowing?

maybe if you saw the look on my face..

the surprise in my eyes..

the deafening silence and quiet gasp that escapes from my lips..

the tears that fall from my cheeks..

as i cup my hand over my mouth..suppress the sound..no one knows how deep you cut me..

the blood-pink flush that colors my cheeks

every time you make me your villain..

make me your villain...

you will never make me your lover...

you think you're winning

but i'm just as quick

you want me to crumble

crumble i may, but i have a whole deck up my sleeve

you think you're fooling me..

but i silently move across the board

fcking tired from playing this game of yours

free me...free me...

i'll let you make your moves

let you bend my fingers backwards until they break.

when i point them at you

show me the mirror all you want

i'll shatter it to bits

shards of glass cutting the skin on my knuckles

i'll show you i can hurt and still stand strong.

villain

make me that

make me fit into your box

show me off to all your friends

tell them what i've done

talk me down

tear me down

tell them what a monster i am

blood-thirsty gnashing teeth and razor sharp claws.

you want me to believe your image of myself..

want me to forget who i am..

hate myself..

self-destruct.

hold you accountable.

all the while you do nothing..say nothing

framing me.

molding me into the villain for the world to see..

but i see what you're doing

you know what you're doing..

you know..

but i know who i am

i know what i've said

i know what i meant

i know how i feel

why punish me for not knowing how you feel when you refuse to tell me..show me..

you *want me to be your villain so you don't become one..

that isn't how it works

we both know that

you know what you've said

you know what you never said

never done

you know how you left

with nothing..

giving me nothing

make me your villain

not your lover

make me your monster

not your love

make me into everything i know i'm not

have you forgotten who i am?...

who i was?...

have you forgotten that easily?...

what do you see when you look into the mirror and why hurt me for it?

i watch you, as you think you're succeeding

in bringing me to the ground

the ashes of your ex-villains

i know what i've said

i know what i've done

and don't tell me i don't when you punish me for it every waking moment...

score keeper...

while i forgave (but never forgot) the second after it happened..

i have to hold you accountable, i said..

i can admit and take responsibility for the hurt i have inflicted

but could you ever?...

for one moment, see the damage that you've done in return?...