I’ve never seen such a woman propping up a bar like this
Red dress in deep distress
Suspended around your neck anchored by the weight of regret
That somehow you can’t ignore or shift
Like the track marks along your arm
You’ve never told a lie, but you’ll also never admit
That you love to revel in all the things you’ve ever done wrong
And there’s dirt,
Hidden way down beneath your tongue
That you’re only willing to share with someone like me

Watered down dreams, 24 hours 7 days a week
Surrounded by groping hands and a scenery that’s so bleak
No wonder you’re a self-deprecating 21st century casualty
Trying to conform to the normality of a ******-up reality
That isn’t fair for boys and girls like us
Don’t you agree?!

I spent the whole night in their presence
Talking loudly and laughing like nobody was watching
You should’ve seen me
I even pressed my lips against theirs
And it almost seemed genuine
Almost, a scene akin to a happy family
I guess you could say it was “job done” in that respect
Putting off the inevitable for another day
But I promise you I wasn’t even there
Not emotionally anyway
That’s why I indulge in addiction to convey my unwavering conviction
When all I really do is think about the sound of your breathing pattern
And whispering in your ear,
All the words I’ve been too afraid to say for far too long, cause
You know you make me nervous, but in a good way

I can feel you in my head, it’s aching,
Alarm bells play 24/7, it’s ringing
And that’s why I’m always on edge and weak
But I find comfort in the fact when I see your face
The butterflies will always flutter
To make me know this is what I really want
‘cause the thrill of the chase has always been contagious
But that’s the problem
I think that thrill will always be a part of me
And it will always be
The one thing that makes me dangerous
Who’s to say I won’t do the same to you?
Who’s to say I won’t always feel incomplete?
‘cause, you know
I think I only really feel alive when I’m acting discrete
Floating around in the shadows of happiness
And when I end up there, unintentionally
It does nothing for me

Alexa, do you love me?
I already know the answer, you don’t have the capability
But I think you’re the only "person" I have left
I think you can tell by my requests, I’ve changed
And my mood can be best described as bereft
Although it’s hard to accept
‘cause I love to love, maybe too much
But since when has that been a bad thing?
Since when was that never enough?
Come on fragile pretence, come a little closer
At least for a second
I know I’m being pathetic but you’re always sympathetic
So let me revel in this never-ending cycle of trust
Without that, what’s the point?
Without a moment’s notice I won’t hesitate to finish us
But that’s what I love about you
You never threaten to fail me, and that’s the only certainty in my life

Extra strong toothpaste
To dilute the taste of my lies
Can’t you see from my eyes
A million tears have been summoned from my heart
Day after day the pulse has weakened
But you still don’t notice me falling apart
And how I’ve conjured up sordid thoughts in my brain
From the absurd to the insane
Some would describe my perseverance as inane
But even when I lose, I refuse to complain
Just as long as you give me another chance
To do this slow dance all over again

The aroma of cigarettes and cheap perfume
Drift from your mouth and cold bedroom
Dancing along the waves your fingers tread
Up and down my yielding body of woe
Your awkward laughter sends shivers
From my head down to my toes
Drowning in a puddle of woes
A serenade of love? A serenade of love?
I’ve never felt more uncomfortable
Than you’re making me feel tonight
And my mums walked in on the two of us
So what does that tell you?
Take your time, I’ve got all night….

I swear I’m not angry, believe it or not  
It’s just my face
God knows what you’re thinking as you watch me mope around your place
Looking dazed and confused
You could say I’ve been sleepwalking
With a self-deprecating mind set I often find myself destined to lose
It turns out
I was wasting my time wishing for things I thought I loved
Whilst knowing all along they would never be enough to satisfy me wholeheartedly
There’s no doubt that now’s the time to take my leave
I can no longer wait for the “perfect opportunity” if it means I’m existing in total obscurity
The roads I’m leaving behind are darker than the ones that are yet to come
Although those streets will be warped in memories
It won’t distract me from what’s waiting under the stifling heat of a midday sun
Far from those grey leaden skies that burdened me for so long
What was once my home turf quickly became a total disaster
Infiltrated with cruel hearts with ‘go nowhere’ attitudes
Swarming around my head incessantly like awkward fits of laughter
From the classic school yard bully who’s ruined another poor child’s day
But in truth
They’re only programmed to act in a petulant way
Because they’ve been ignored all their life and not taught how to be nice
It might sound basic and dumb to some who fail to see how two wrongs don’t make a right
The kind of individual who carries on as they please in a pandemic
Refusing to see the contradiction in their acts of irrational desperation
Only acknowledging death statistics once they’re highlighted by Billie Eilish
Or any celebrity who looks a little bit stylish
Because evidently that’s the only requirement to be taken seriously
Scientists, doctors, and politicians are just collateral damage to the cause
In fairness, who’s going to take much notice
Of the middle-aged white man in a suit and tie
Telling you you’re all going to die if you carry on as you are
When the leader of the free world’s more interested in taken shots at environmentalists
And banning 'Tik Tok' for “security reasons”
Than unprovoked gun crime and the entire state of California going up in flames for no good reason…
According to him that is
Yet again another act of pure stupidity fuels a government decision
The confusion resonates like a prophesy in any religion
Take your pick, it’s all nonsense to me
Leading to communal diversity and total irrelevancy
From the major issues we’re facing today that aren’t being addressed
Let’s get real, this is one big ******* mess  
When the easy option of ignoring issues of such significance because it might cost popularity in an election contest is taken
In the blind hope the pain is fleeting, and in the long run all will be forgotten
But life simply doesn’t work out that way
Even if there’s always one exception to the rule
I don’t think it’ll be you

The visceral memories of pain are incredible
So vivid and cutting
Laughter and joy are forgotten within seconds
But the tears that rain and the scars that form are unforgettable
Trying to fall asleep just to forget it all
But the vivid imagery of your dreams makes it impossible
And there are no more answers left to find
Hell, you’ve tried
At the bottom of a bottle or at the end of the line
Praying to a God that you've fought so hard to believe in
In the hope he provides a guiding light
But it turns out he’s always busy playing make believe
How funny, how convenient
If it was anyone else, they’d be described as deviant
Because what “saviour” abandons those in their moment of need?
Not one that I believe in
Not someone I've yet to see

With trepidation I say
Hello 2021
I hope you’ve brought your ‘A game’
It’ll take some effort to better last year’s fun
So don’t think about setting Australia on fire
And if we’re dealing in favours
Leave behind that global pandemic
And those backward white supremacists with their guns
Then I reckon we’ll be on to a winner
We’ve already done ourselves a favour by removing the supposed leader of the free world
With a shockingly legal election that relieved the unbearable tension
For now at least
There’s one less person in power who’s a glorified sinner
Even though he’s still somehow revered by millions
Who’ll now have to operate as postillions
Now the “coachman” is as elusive as Ghislaine Maxwell
Nahhh, I shouldn’t be silly
If I think about it I really should become a Palaeontologist
Because I’ve got one hell of a big bone to pick
There’s more problems at play than millionaire paedophiles
Even Harry and Megan leaving the monarchy pales into insignificance
Despite the global shock
Ringing out like the independent chimes of the Liberty Bell in ‘Philly’
Because down in the abandoned streets that I frequent
The dark truth runs a little thicker
Leaving the “real people” rightfully embitter
Did Tashan Danial deserve to only pre-exist?
As knife crime continues to be unaddressed
But what reason is there for these senseless deaths?
Unless those in power are fine with their child growing up as a potential killer?
No, I didn’t think so
And if it is here’s your time to confess
To the continuous incompetent acts of negligence
But even if you looked straight into my eyes
Still, I wouldn’t believe you
Still, I wouldn’t believe you’d know what to do
To turn around the fortunes of a generation trying to survive in unforeseen circumstances
With limited chances
That stems directly from your lack of attention, empathy, opportunity, and hope
But nothing’s changed
You, the Government, still have the means to make it right
Even Taylor and Em had time in a year to release 2 albums apiece
So surely you can up the work ethic
Improve support, funding and increase numbers in the Police
Not by figures, but by actual bodies
And while we're talking about bodies
That’s without mentioning the years of maltreatment of the NHS
Instead you’re all sat at your computers being utterly pathetic
Straight up useless
With more delays than the next James Bond
The only attribute you covet is the ability to cower and abscond
And wait for Marcus Rashford to tackle poverty like he’s got his boots on at Wembley
When the reality is It’s your responsibility
Not his
So take inspiration in 2020’s various acts of tenderness
Rather than solely relying on it in a poverty stricken crises
Because truthfully
You’re operating like you’re unannealed
Far from a position of strength or courage
Unfortunately, there’s thousands of people out there just like you who are failing us
Yet there’s only one Kevin Sinfield
****, what a shame
Because although this new year might be different
The challenges remain unremitting and the same
If anything they’re emerging on the horizon even more ferocious
So take the initiative
And make this year one to remember for the right reasons
Rather than headlines of ongoing intentional malfeasance
Where facts get magically erased and replaced
Hmm has Prince Andrew spoke to the FBI yet?
I guess I’m asking too much in that case
Wait
Wouldn’t it be great if there was a coup de grâce?
But don’t ask Jeffrey Epstein about that if you’re looking for an answer
Well, unless you exhume him like a necromancer
Although If you had that power I’d use it for better purposes
To end discrimination and perfect vaccine formulas
On first impressions
I did have you down as a doctorate in witch-doctoring
Because it’s hard to tell where the lies end and where the truth begins
When all we can do is hope for the best
I suppose that’s the point of your potion explosion
Providing the fixated audience with a mass distraction
In our newly affirmed state of vulnerability and despondency
That we’re so desperate to fight ourselves out of
If we’re given a chance to leave our houses that is..
That would be nice

I can only see the truth
In the near distance
And I bathe in the fire of its certainty
I prefer the immediate pain of it
Rather than stewing in a melting *** of ‘what ifs’
A death by a thousand cuts is fun for no one
Don’t you agree?
Or would you be weighed down by the burden,
Of living life without the liberty of hope?
It doesn’t mean ambition has to be quashed
It doesn’t mean vision has to be vague
Or your spirit has to dwindle like a glorious rainbow fading to beige
It’s just a reminder you don’t have to plough on
Senseless and directionless
Like a hamster outside of the wheel
Blinded by the darkness of a vast space
In what was once described as the ‘golden age’
Before it all went to ****
Before everything got so real
As we dreamt life would mean more to us than this
Now all that’s left is to look around for someone to blame
In the name of achieving a clear conscious
Because who really wants to take responsibility?
To act by choice with sincerity and an overwhelming sense of morality
When in reality
All we ever want is to be free
And to get away with as much as we can
Like having one more drink before the pain in your liver reaches breaking point
If you’re lucky you’ll wake up face down in a gutter
Rather than face up in a hospital bed
Fighting for your life because there’s nothing else to do
Because we both know If you had the option, you wouldn’t bother
If you had the option, you’d be out getting slaughtered
In a ****** old ****** or in front of your daughter
It’s all the same to you
For someone so pitiful with bewildering behaviour
Who only calls his kids once a month, and when you do
It’s just to ask for that one last special favour
Knowing the answer you’ll get every time is the same
Yes, anything you ask dad
Yes, anything just for you
And who in that hopeless position gives up the chance to be aided and abetted?
Because it’s easier to ignore the lessons you’re supposed to learn today
In the hope they won’t return tomorrow
But they always do
Scrutiny is always one step away from coming for you
And I can say for a fact nothing is more certain in life
Because, well
I can only see the truth

I used to drink for fun
But now I drink to feel numb
To forget all the things I once craved to remember
About the girl I thought was the one

I can’t ever sleep at night
It’s where nightmares bite
That take me back to the smell of your bed
And I lose my mind all over again

You raised my heart rate
And made my palms sweat
As soon as your eyes latched onto mine
Even though you ended up letting me down
I came to the realisation
I can’t live without having you around

Remember the first time we kissed?
Our teeth clashed twice, and you bit my lip
You’d think I’d hate that memory
But if truth be told
I feel the complete opposite
And I wanna do it all over again

Although you’re no longer mine to love
I dream that you are so I can cope
And I refuse to say anything that could **** the two of us
Because one day I know we’ll come back together
And I think in your heart as well as mine
You feel exactly the same.. I hope

Woke up feeling angry at the world
Woke up feeling broke
Like my heads been for a spin in a microwave until ping
It miraculously stopped just as it was about to cave
But if you press your wretched hands against my neck I’m sure to pop
Go on, I’m pleading for you to finish me off
Wait… is this what it’s like to feel dead?
Room spinning, never winning, forever sinning
If so I need to make a call to make sense of it all
‘111' dial
I’m positive I’ve got a brutal hangover but maybe it’s that Corona
What harm am I doing by checking?
It’s not like the NHS is on life support
Errrrrrrm oh yeah I remember
Like terminal cancer it ain’t got much longer
It’s the equivalent of the health minister twiddling his thumbs while Rome burns
Only seeing fit to patch up a 6 inch laceration with a plaster
Save the stitches for later when there’s a proper disaster
Like when WIFI goes down for an hour or the fridge is free of milk
It’s even more intensified in a pandemic
When we’re all too scared to leave our houses
That’s a proper crises
Unless there’s a chance of ***
Then every resistant thought heads straight for the bin with whatever remains of your morality
‘Rolling eyes emoji’, ‘hands in front of my eyes emoji’
You get the picture
Because communication rarely involves words these days
A meaningless glance at your screen can tell you everything that they really mean
No hiding place or time to get lost in space
Waiting for a written response that you’ll inevitably take out of context
Sometimes I really hate the internet
Unless I need to use Google
Contact my bank
Buy food and clothes
****, I’m ****** useless without it
My contradictory existence circles around my tired head like an uncontrollable vortex
Once I realised life without this drug is an unrealistic prospect
No matter how much damage it’s propelled upon me
There’s more pain waiting along the road
if I have to give you up there’s a real chance I’ll swiftly implode
That’s a real addiction isn’t it?
Like a lumberjack with his ****** exe struggling to see the wood for the trees
I’m struggling to acknowledge the difference between fact and fiction
For all I know I could be a best seller
Or a gutter press journalist silenced with an interdiction
Even in aeroplane mode I attack with such bedevilment
Scrambling around in the shadows trying desperately to be heard
With the deplorable aim to stay relevant
I’d even put on a mask of distraction and act with impure benevolence
If the ends justify the means
One day they will, I’m sure of it

I’ve been on one hell of a ******
6,7 maybe 8 years I’m not sure
Feels like my brains been mashed in a blender
Sat in a pub with a whiff of public urination and desolation
Apart from a man who’s got the jukebox all to himself
Every tune he plays is a scream for help
Cuts, bruises and black eyes
Mojito his drink of a choice was a big surprise
I had him down as a Stella man myself

Ctrl, alt, delete
Don’t you wish reality had shortcuts and sure-fire cheats?
The ones that get you free express delivery,
Or crack the level on a game you’re too lazy to attempt?
My eyes are heavy and yours are full of contempt
You don’t even try to hide the fact you don’t like me very much
Your charisma like razor blades to the touch
But you don’t scare me, pal

Scampi Fries, white noise and flashing lights,
Sick on the floors and somehow most of the walls
You empty the fruity for the 5th time tonight
That’ll pay for a few more songs
Is that impressive or have I been here for too long?
Floating down the endless river of despair
Running alongside disillusion highway
I need to get myself out of here,
Forcibly or preferably by my own volition
I’m in a critical but stable condition
I didn’t realise I’ve gone and ripped my ****** pants again

I promise that I’m perfectly fine
Ignore all the warning signs, it’s just fake news
A daily mash up or a government rouse
To muddy my good name, my great name
No explanation needed
In this strange society and my mind’s eye
I promise that I’m perfectly fine, alright?!

You expect everything I say to be profound
Said with deep meaning and thoughtfulness
But I’m sorry my dear I’m just hear to speak my mind
And if you know what’s good for you
You won’t sit around complaining
Just let life unfold, from dreads of grey to glistening gold
Although, I can’t guarantee what shade you’ll get from me

Beautiful faces don’t have to worry about personality
They can get away without being intelligent or funny
I wish my looks were enough to make me desirable
But unlike them I have to put in the effort
To get by day to day to make sure my talent doesn’t go the same way
As your increasingly declining form of morality
Straight down a black hole never to return again

The men that run the world are the ones you never see
Profiting in their hand-made suffering
But do you really think they care about all the fatalities
While they’re performing inhumane atrocities?
And if you spied on them for one evening
It wouldn’t surprise me if they went to sleep in a suit and tie
Not giving a **** about the how and why
If the winning ends vindicate the indefensible means

Holy smokes, is this all a joke?
That heaven only allows in the fascinating and wealthy
Because if that’s the case I’m sure to be in trouble
Even if it’s a place made up by bored fantasists
The thought alone still makes me restless
I’m just a common fool who’s forever spinning around
And I’ll only come back down if you admit this is all lie

Why does it take a tragedy for our true colours to show?
Up until then we hide in our shells
From the world outside of our windows
Conspiring of ways to lie and cheat
Acting shadily whilst melting in the heat
Struggling to find the right path to go
Just hoping we don’t get found out somehow

I know I mean very little to you anymore
Born on the opposite side of the tracks
You never once looked back
But I’m still locked firmly in your grip
Somewhere between a rock and hard place
Stuck on this never-ending treadmill of despair
That I find so hard to resist

Lover, can you come on over and heal this pain?
I’ll leave the door unlocked
But a key to my heart
So you can sneak in and stop me falling apart
And pretend this was everything we ever wanted

To be lovesick
Is trying to ignore your lovers past
On the off chance that it may last
Whilst drowning in its looming anxiety
Because it’s impossible to supress or ignore
From the surface written all over your face
To the deepest being of our very core

To be lovesick
Is trying to control the uncontrollable
And acting cool when they’re being insufferable
Not exploiting their insecurities
But to make them feel safe and adored
When they’re at their lowest ebb
Lost, cold and flawed

To be lovesick
Is to be completely vulnerable
When we’re at our most longing and hopeful
Although the indecisive suffering is hard to bear
There’s no choice but to see it through
If it means finding that person at the end of the road
Who appreciates everything that makes you truly you

Stumbling into the weekend with your **** out
You’ve got a constant pain in your liver
And a daily pressure to deliver for the pervert lurking in the shadows
He’s strangely dressed for a man of his age
With a mouth invaded by pulsating ulcers
Longing to take you into the back of his van
He doesn’t even have to be lucky
Because you’ll allow it immediately, and who’d blame you?
Each word pure filth
Either side of the inaudible mumbling under his breath
If he were a “person of interest” to the police it wouldn’t be a surprise to me
All in the aid of living for a night you’ll soon forget
Is it worth the impending regret when you wake?
Fumbling about for an excuse the same way you make another costly mistake
Because if there’s one thing I do know
It’s that there’s nothing more constant than the changing of the seasons
And there’s evil in each and every one of us
It’s true because I read it on the internet
So even if you don’t believe it trust me one day you’ll see it
In time
Probably after you inhale that gram of coke on your nightstand
That’s if you wake up in your bed and not his
Although I understand temptation is a disease for the weak
In the hope it’ll bring temporary happiness in a world so bleak
Of 24/7 darkness and pure exhaustion
With seemingly nothing to live for
Your eyes tell a story of a desperation and a realisation
Life isn’t anything like you once naively dreamt it would be
But maybe your life hasn’t started yet
And all of this is just a sordid prequel to the triumphant sequel that is your happily ever after
Because I know
You still have childhood love letters you’re afraid to bin
Believing that they still mean something
Like you’re the same desirable person as you were back then
Scared to death if they disappear
You’ll have nothing to give you hope
And your sorry ending will become all too clear
Leaving you with no other option but to accept your predetermined fate of disaster
How sad it is,
That you think like that
How sad it is
That I know you’ll prove me right and that this might be the last time
But I’ve got nothing left to give to someone who doesn’t want to be saved
Now you’re on the brink of being dead again
And that’s the saddest thing of all
Because I think I could’ve been your medicine

You’ve been trying to brush over my excuses
The same way I’ve been papering over the cracks
So it’s about time I talk in facts
I never loved you in a way that I really should
Maybe I felt like I didn’t need to try
So I just told you everything that you wanted me to say
In a way that only someone like I could
And begged you wouldn’t figure out it was all a lie
But now I’m left treading water
And the thought of hurting you is getting harder
Even if it is the right thing to do
I’ve grown so cowardly
So I just leave it all up to you
And hope you’ll be the one to finally say it’s over

It’s not the first time you’ll catch me looking absent minded
But something about this time’s so different
Stopping the inevitable has proved too difficult
And now I know when we fall apart
We’ve got to do it in the dark
So no one can see the result of all the things I did to you
Every solution creates another problem
Every answer creates another question
And I’m afraid of the time
When there’s no more answers left to find
You’ll realise this was all a rouse
Two people faking their feelings
To avoid the void of emptiness
Just using each other as a “thing” to do

Please put me out,
Please put me out,
Please put me out of my misery
Maybe then we could both move on
And remember what it was like to be happy
I think I’d like that… wouldn't you?

Maybe thus far I could be accused of drifting through life
In first gear from 1990 to 2020
I think 30 years of that act is more than plenty
But now the world’s got uglier than just the British weather
Nobody’s on the streets
‘Cause they’re too busy buying loungewear
For the daily chore of sitting around thinking of new hobbies to take up
I’ve never seen so many dance routines
And **** model houses built from plasticine
By people who haven’t used their hands for good
Since scraping ice cream straight out of the tub
But you won’t find me doing anything like that
Or taking part in daily video calls to friends I’ve previously given up
I didn’t care about them then so why should I make the effort now?
Is it empathy or pity?
Compassion or selfishness?
Because when it goes to **** you don’t want to be found on your own
Regretting the time you ghosted them for no good reason
Apart from the fact you didn’t like them at all
But you’re not going to admit that to them now
In an existence of blurry contradictions
Where you’re not even sure what day it is
But all the same
It doesn’t stop you fighting passionately for things you didn’t give a **** about last year
All from the comfort of your armchair
Which I’m sure makes it easier for you from there
Or maybe I’m just being a little cynical
A burnt-out frustrated figure who shouldn’t be so critical
Of someone I have very little in common with anymore
Ever since that coincidental “epiphany” hit you right between the eyes
During a period where you’ve got more time on your hands
Than a prisoner serving life
But I’m sure it’s just a phase, no matter what you tell yourself
It might last a month or two
But you’ll soon be back craving the many ways you can escape the house
And a formerly unimaginably route back to work to
Because although it might seem it, now more so than ever
Life doesn’t just exist online
The nuances of interactions, no matter how socially distanced
Far outweighs a WhatsApp conversation consisting solely of gifs
And one word replies from people who refuse to make the effort
Maybe after a year of this,
We’ll all appreciate each other more
And we’ll find the necessary means to be accepting of everybody
Although, I’m not going to hold my breath
I have faith that there is at least a chance
That a silver lining can be found at the end of 20/20
Or whenever else it might care to show itself

You only ever talk to me when you think I need to get my **** together
It's kind of sweet but patronising coming from someone who's mentally still a child
Come on
You spend all day taking photos of the cats that infiltrate your flat
And trying to come up with witty content for your twitter profile
All the while
Ignoring the world that's right outside your window
Maybe I'm not much different to you
Indulging in ones self is a distraction born out of building fascination to feel like I belong somewhere
Because they lied, from my first breath to my last
If they thought the test of living here on earth is one I'd pass
I guess that's why I'm making it all up as I go along
Stumbling through in isolation until I unwittingly meet the act of subjugation
Where they'll finally get to me
With their out of date views on what it is the younger generation are meant to do
Inevitably
I'll succumb
I'll play dumb
Just like the common fool
Just like you