Dal90

Dal90 Feb 2021

I would do anything to lift the gloom
Then maybe you could find the strength to leave your room
To see everything that’s worthwhile
From the admiration of your closest friends
To the mischievous smile of your only child
I’d honestly much rather go blind than watch you carry on in so much pain
With merciless intensity it deserves it’s only special name
Afterall, you once craved being the centre of attention
Back when you had unbounded energy and so much love to give
But now you appear to be scared of your own shadow
Let alone think of any positives to fight your way through and live
Maybe if you could stop and take a breath
Then you wouldn’t get so upset?
However the look on your face suggest I should mind my own business
But it’s so hard to keep my nose out as a decade long witness
To the manic way you like to operate
So come on, what happened?
Now you’re the kind of person who takes breaks from watching Netflix on your tablet
Only to replace it by sticking your face up against your laptop
Not due to any pressing engagements
But because you’re afraid of spending time alone with your thoughts
You say they’re too intelligent for you
In that self-deprecating style you’ve become accustomed to
Confessing they always find a way to twist and turn your conscious into knots
I suppose that explains your new found addiction to psilocybin
It’s plain cruel
Just how much fun your mind has playing tricks on you
All for the sadistic joy of seeing you cry as you succumb to the unrelenting pressure of grief
I’m actually surprised it still allows you to recognise me
If only for a fleeting moment before you’re overcome with uncertainty
That’s the moment where I can’t help but fall to bits
Realising we’re far removed from those halcyon days where we’d only reminisce
I know it’s hard
Especially when your inner monologue starts to dishearten
But I need you to do me a favour and try to take your medicine
Because I think it’s your last shot of achieving some much needed pain relief
Although, it’s clear you remain unpersuaded
You’re not even trying to hide it
The rings that surround your eyes have inconceivably darkened
And the stare you’re given me is nothing short of terrifying
Like you’re getting lost in another one of your frequent hallucinations
Where the spirit inside transcends into another outer body experience
All in a mish mash of broken contradictions
So it’s no wonder you come across heavily jaded
Ever since you became overwhelmed by the crippling sense of vacuity
But just like the task at hand you feel totally incapable of passing life’s grand test
That’s why you feel the need to self-sabotage on purpose
Something you’re quite good actually
So good, I’d call you the queen of casuistry
I just need you to know I’m not here acting from a position that’s self-seeking
I would do it all for you, I would do anything

Dal90 Feb 2021

The Traps

I don’t like lying
The sensation feels as dense as lead
Like the batteries have been removed
Not because they’re dead but due to the cowardice to tell the truth
In the hope everything will be better when I pop them back in
A tactic I try whenever my laptop decides it wants to spend the evening frozen
I’ll admit it’s an easy option
When my head’s filled to the brim with various energy drinks
Thinking wrongly it can correct how I’m supposed to think
Instead they just keep me awake but surprisingly it always works
Well, until the day it doesn’t
Don’t worry though it’s no skin off my back
I’ll just put that down to the fact we’re confined to the unpredictable outcomes of fate
And I’ll never shake that feeling
Because I understand everything that’s loved eventually snaps
It’s just unknown when I’ll be exposed to the inevitable traps of grief
That lay hauntingly in situ
The ones that are designed to be hard to detect
To novices like me who spend a lifetime trying to connect unsuccessfully
But if somehow I sidestep them and stumble upon a serendipitous encounter
In a moment accompanied by a rousing leitmotif
I’ll know I’m only moments away from an uncomfortable meeting with the dark depression
The old but frequent enemy I’ve fought so hard to keep at bay
And with hearing this for the very first time
I’d be fully understanding if your instinct were to turn your back and run way
I can see the blind panic that’s arrived in your eyes
With a clarity so pure it could be eidetic
And that’s before you find out I’m totally non-functioning without taking Tricyclic
A glue like substance that’s so far prevented me from falling apart
But to my surprise you find the courage to say…

“I’d take your cancer and digest it whole
Paralyse myself from the neck down
If it meant you wouldn’t leave me all alone
It might sound selfish and maybe a little morbid
But what life will there be left for me?
If all my loves and dreams have been thwarted
Like a mindless kick to the stomach
Any sense of future prosperity would be aborted
Before, I only saw life in black and white
Like I existed solely in somebody else’s shadow
Until the day I met you
Where I drowned in the colour that flowed from your soul”

Wearing a tear and a faint smile I find myself finally catching my breath
Like the weight of a ten tonne truck has been lifted from my neck
Never before have I received empathy as sincere
Your radiance emanates like a first edition in a book store
Somewhat neglected and fragile but undeniably beautiful and pure
And I can’t believe how lucky I am to have you here
Making sure I never relapse, making sure I avoid the traps

Dal90 Feb 2021

This City

Take a bite and tell me how it tastes
Would you describe it as a fever dream
Or brag about the experience on Instagram to all of your mates?
Your face immediately turns at the suggestion a more forceful shade of red
Saying that, it always did in a packed room full of testosterone and dread
Maybe I’m sick for thinking it
But I never have regrets over anything I’ve said
Just fateful memories in the past I wish I could correct
You look at me like I’m not sick, just a little crazy
But I get the feeling you’re cut out of the same tattered cloth
So if you’re the radiant flame does that make me the lumpen moth?
Because I feel like I’m constantly flying straight into the heat of battle
All while my overheating heart threatens to beat out of my chest
In a frantic state of panic I ask the barman for a ‘Metropolis’
And try my best to act nonchalant during an awkward passing with a long lost confidant
It’s obviously a false front to suggest to you that I’m fine
As you’ve probably already figured out
Looking on with little subtlety while concurrently ordering a ‘Mind Eraser’
How ironic
A drink perfectly named to headline a night of impending shame
As I struggle to coherently operate in the thickness of an unshiftable smog that engulfs me
It’s proving to be nothing short of problematic
But all you can say is “you’ll be fine, babe”
Without any significant evidence you’re statement is purely axiomatic
So all I can bring myself to do in response is shrug my hunched shoulders
And look down at my feet before making my way outside
Thinking nothing can hurt me if I avoid eye contact the same way I avoid the truth
Then you threaten to bring me back around
With your soft fingers, whilst holding an unlit cigarette
Treading a fine line along the back of my gelid hands
So cold I look up and notice you flinch before you take the plunge
By securing my trembling hands in a vehement clinch
With sickening guilt I notice the desperation forming in your sorry looking eyes
Before you say to me, no shout, over boisterous shrieking in the smoking area
“Come on darling let’s get out of here
I know a Premier Inn around the corner”
it’s hardly the Ritz but your proposed comfort might curtail the rate in which I’m falling to bits
And an unlikely miracle could ensue
As I achieve a momentary state of happiness, whatever that is
Before tomorrow inevitably comes forcefully in with all its misplaced swagger
Deleting all the positive work of tonight’s endeavours
By knocking a potentially new found sense of hope out of me
Leaving me feeling so very unclever
As yet again I’ll be reduced to trying to find my way out of this monotonous cycle
With only you and my unbearable ‘black dog’ as company
Deep down you must know
No matter how many times we have **** with each other out of pity
There’s nothing about this relationship that’s sustainable
All the same I want to thank you for trying and at least acknowledging me
Nothing will ever change but you’re not to blame
There’s just no salvation to be found in this city

Dal90 Jan 2021

Arms Length

I always want what I can’t have even if it results in me falling apart
So it’s hardly surprising to hear
That I knew it was a problem falling into your arms
And when I call you rarely answer
You read my messages but “forget” to reply
Yet somehow you have the ability to mollify when you finally get back around to me
Just to say, if you’re interested in my mental state
I’d rather say it’s “all good” than die a slow death in your impervious pity
I suppose it’s true, I should really admit
That maybe I should relax sometimes
Take a note straight from my sphincter
Rather than sit on this unstable fence
When I should be exploiting my naive impulse to wanderlust
I’m satisfied collecting splinters like a housebound spinster
Who fears their best days are behind them
And like them
I’m just waiting, waiting, waiting
For you to let me down easy
Because evidently all my dreams are supposed to rust
Grind down insufferably at laggard speed on its journey to dust
If I’m lucky that is
Otherwise I’m happy enough drifting along in this platonic state
Thinking of unbelievable excuses to why I’ve lost so much weight
As long as I might one day end up with you
And to your credit
You string me along impressively like a regimental echelon
Winding on for miles just like my satiating desire
Too much of you and it leaves me sick
Not enough and I fall to bits
And worse of all, don’t you just know it?
It’s written all across your face
Right at the point you call me irresponsible ‘cause I scuff up my jeans
Like it’s somehow a direct metaphor for my life
Meaning of course
I’m doomed to break your heart in clear sight and watch it tear at the seams
When the reality is you’re more likely to break whatever spirit there’s left in me
How ironic
You’ve now had a great epiphany of an outcome that has long been predestined
Like a knock-off psychic you’re coming off dangerously indecisive
And just like them
You still haven’t figured out a way to lie to me
I’ve always had a knack of siphoning unnecessary excess
Ever since my temporal lobe long sussed out your frontal lobe
It’s obvious you don’t agree with a single word that drips out of your mouth
Although it must be hard
Trying to keep me at arm’s length when you’re in bed with your spouse
The one you proclaimed over and over to be so desperate to leave
And like a fool I was easily persuaded to believe
Whilst I was falling head first into your trap called “Love”
How ridiculously predictable that was

Dal90 Jan 2021

Insomnia

Every day starts the exact same way
Beep, Beep, Beep
I get out from my slumber, look into the mirror and think
“I really don’t recognise you”
It’s kind of worrying this dissent has become a daily event
But I just brush it off and put it down to a lack of sleep
And think again
“Why do I wake up so early on my days off?”
I tell myself it’s to maintain a routine
When in fact I’m just scared to face what lies in my dreams
More specifically
Those eyes sat at the edge of my bed
Bedevilled with evil intentions with more cutting edge than a nuclear warhead
Trying to burn a hole straight through the back of my skull
Like it’s their sole aspiration to perform a tracheostomy style operation on my brain
But instead of giving me life they’re fixated in taking it away
Maybe I’m being paranoid
Maybe I shouldn’t even have the cheek to complain
But I’m beginning to feel like I’m developing dyspnoea
At a rate more common than my daily ipomoea
And with each passing second I can feel my rose coloured cheeks dwindling to grey
Much like the death of a summer sunrise
Once it realises it should be the usual leaden Manchester day
And if all else fails
The thang like teeth that hang like daggering icicles
Will masticate whatever’s left of me before I wake
Always before I wake
That’s where I operate in a mythical world state somewhere in Roubaix
I bet you thought I’d have more imagination than that
But with its rough terrain and cobbled streets
I find myself falling over multiple times with my two left feet
So I can’t find the time to relocate
All because of those demons that circle at rapid speed
Although, I believe they only exist to encourage me to secede
From the mundane reality I’ve found myself running away from
Honestly
When I’m asleep, I wish I were awake
When I’m awake, I wish I were asleep
And much like a secret that’s so desperately hard to keep
I find myself consistently on edge, moments away from blurting out the truth
But I just can’t find the way to open up to you
Not outwardly anyway
So that’s why I socially distance inwardly
To avoid the moment I’m susceptible to the impending threat of waylay
Because I don’t think I’m in a position to save myself

Dal90 Jan 2021

Writer's Block

They say in the midst of a writer’s block
You should just talk about what you know
But what I know can be written on a postage note
I’m not interested in finding the antidote
Or getting lost in space
But my mind has been on a constant wander
A distance so far it could rival the Parsec at this rate
And to tell you the truth
Your constant chirping in my ear has spread to become a pain in my neck
Not life threatening for now
Although I’m feeling awfully close to becoming a victim by garotte
Which I’m sure is a form of strangulation the last time I checked
“Hahaha”
You look and laugh at me like I’m telling a throwaway joke
But your lack of concern only does its best to provoke
The rising resentment that is building up inside of me
You should really know better
When I’m in a vulnerable state of mind I lose the motivation to be kind
So I might as well tell you
Your apparent interest in me appears to be an act that’s unfeigned
To maintain relations because you thought we were destined to be aligned
But I’m firmly locked into a self-induced tunnel vision
That leaves the chances of us colliding an almost certainty
When I have to deal with the barrage of words
That are propelled from your tongue that’s laced in acerbity
And even with that said
Your face surprisingly lacks any hint of emotion
Like a glaring case of uniformity has overtaken you expressions
Apart from a small hint of ******* at this long overdue confrontation
As if you’ve been longing for this for quite some time
Maybe I got you wrong
Maybe you never loved me all along
And a small part of me is upset at that despite the fact I’ve long wished we had never met
In a rare case of prophecy you say I’m just trying to save face
And I’ve got more front than a double decker bus
Like one day you’ll expect me to yearn for a reconciliation between the two of us
I suppose if there was any doubt
It’s clear to see you’ve been struck with a heavy dose of delusion
Like you and Mr Psychosis during those heavy days in a purple haze
Have formed a potent collusion
That’s left you on the cliff edge totally wired for sound
… get it?
Who am I kidding? Your aura has shifted to despondency
So vivid and obvious
I’d be surprised if you could keep your eyes open let alone take part in colloquy
But I’d like to take the opportunity to thank you one last time
Because you’ve broken my writer’s block
Without you causing my head to meltdown
I’d be still sat here staring at the dilatory hands going around the clock

Dal90 Jan 2021

Hello 2021 (good luck)

With trepidation I say
Hello 2021
I hope you’ve brought your ‘A game’
It’ll take some effort to better last year’s fun
So don’t think about setting Australia on fire
And if we’re dealing in favours
Leave behind that global pandemic
And those backward white supremacists with their guns
Then I reckon we’ll be on to a winner
We’ve already done ourselves a favour by removing the supposed leader of the free world
With a shockingly legal election that relieved the unbearable tension
For now at least
There’s one less person in power who’s a glorified sinner
Even though he’s still somehow revered by millions
Who’ll now have to operate as postillions
Now the “coachman” is as elusive as Ghislaine Maxwell
Nahhh, I shouldn’t be silly
If I think about it I really should become a Palaeontologist
Because I’ve got one hell of a big bone to pick
There’s more problems at play than millionaire paedophiles
Even Harry and Megan leaving the monarchy pales into insignificance
Despite the global shock
Ringing out like the independent chimes of the Liberty Bell in ‘Philly’
Because down in the abandoned streets that I frequent
The dark truth runs a little thicker
Leaving the “real people” rightfully embitter
Did Tashan Danial deserve to only pre-exist?
As knife crime continues to be unaddressed
But what reason is there for these senseless deaths?
Unless those in power are fine with their child growing up as a potential killer?
No, I didn’t think so
And if it is here’s your time to confess
To the continuous incompetent acts of negligence
But even if you looked straight into my eyes
Still, I wouldn’t believe you
Still, I wouldn’t believe you’d know what to do
To turn around the fortunes of a generation trying to survive in unforeseen circumstances
With limited chances
That stems directly from your lack of attention, empathy, opportunity, and hope
But nothing’s changed
You, the Government, still have the means to make it right
Even Taylor and Em had time in a year to release 2 albums apiece
So surely you can up the work ethic
Improve support, funding and increase numbers in the Police
Not by figures, but by actual bodies
And while we're talking about bodies
That’s without mentioning the years of maltreatment of the NHS
Instead you’re all sat at your computers being utterly pathetic
Straight up useless
With more delays than the next James Bond
The only attribute you covet is the ability to cower and abscond
And wait for Marcus Rashford to tackle poverty like he’s got his boots on at Wembley
When the reality is It’s your responsibility
Not his
So take inspiration in 2020’s various acts of tenderness
Rather than solely relying on it in a poverty stricken crises
Because truthfully
You’re operating like you’re unannealed
Far from a position of strength or courage
Unfortunately, there’s thousands of people out there just like you who are failing us
Yet there’s only one Kevin Sinfield
****, what a shame
Because although this new year might be different
The challenges remain unremitting and the same
If anything they’re emerging on the horizon even more ferocious
So take the initiative
And make this year one to remember for the right reasons
Rather than headlines of ongoing intentional malfeasance
Where facts get magically erased and replaced
Hmm has Prince Andrew spoke to the FBI yet?
I guess I’m asking too much in that case
Wait
Wouldn’t it be great if there was a coup de grâce?
But don’t ask Jeffrey Epstein about that if you’re looking for an answer
Well, unless you exhume him like a necromancer
Although If you had that power I’d use it for better purposes
To end discrimination and perfect vaccine formulas
On first impressions
I did have you down as a doctorate in witch-doctoring
Because it’s hard to tell where the lies end and where the truth begins
When all we can do is hope for the best
I suppose that’s the point of your potion explosion
Providing the fixated audience with a mass distraction
In our newly affirmed state of vulnerability and despondency
That we’re so desperate to fight ourselves out of
If we’re given a chance to leave our houses that is..
That would be nice