Dal90

Dal90 Oct 2021

This town’s downfall has been so sad to see
I’ve never felt more detached from the place that gave birth to me
Maybe I just miss the same old faces I used to know
Maybe it’s resentment for secretly always wanting to go
And being left to swim around in the sea of a failed dream
With nothing but my own thoughts to keep me company
Chewing over futile semantics is a simple waste of energy
But I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t my new favourite hobby
I’m so full of excuses
I think by now even you can see the reoccurring pattern
When I let people in I’m just looking for a salvation
Because I refuse to find the required strength from within
But tonight
I’ll do my best to prove all the doubters wrong
Even if I have to come face to face with things that make me want to die
Overcoming those obstacles, I know
Is the only way that I will once again feel alive

Dal90 Oct 2021

We'll be just fine

I’m the kind of person who reads the terms and conditions before ticking the box
I’m well aware it’s mostly unnecessary
But the one day I don’t I know I’ll be in store for a shock
And when that happens
I’ll be sure to get whiplash from the backlash of ruining everything again
But I’ll offset that by sitting back on the beach
Staring into the oceans wide open door
With the overriding feeling of joyous relief that it’ll all be over soon
Probably by the time the tide washes over my feet
Despite the uncomfortable nature of knowing it’ll break your heart to watch me succumb to it all
The taste of salty water will never taste more apt
Becoming the much needed remedy to the wounds that’ll heal and turn into a full bloom
Maybe while you wait, you can download another meaningless app
Designed to make life easier
But is far more likely to induce a stress related heart attack
If you’re lucky though
You can end up existing on a life support machine in a cashless society
The lack of energy required is deliciously appealing to me
But I’d be understanding if that fate wasn’t what you dreamt of
Most girls envisage their wedding days
Not what age they’ll take up a rarely seen spare hospital bed
And there it is, that funny feeling
Of turning every eventuality into a morbid vacation to a deathly destination
All because it ironically makes me smile
I say to you it’s just harmless fun but when everything is said and done
I know you don’t believe me
You’re much more switched on than I’ve ever given you credit for
And with that hit of reality
My vulnerability heightens causing my chest to relentlessly tighten
As the consequences of trying to manipulate you one final time
Have become far too overwhelming to ignore
I guess that’s why I always end up coming back to you
A cynic would call it guilt but the romantic in me can’t walk away from what we’ve built
I know I make mistakes
I know what I say sometimes is hard to take
But I hope you believe me when I say this time
While we’re standing together in blissful silence on the shore
Taking pretty pictures of the sunset by the specifically placed trap door
That you’re the only person I ever want to call “mine”
And if you don’t see straight through me
We’ll be just fine

Dal90 Oct 2021

It gets me down

It gets me down
It gets me down
When I see your tears welling up like raindrops forming in the skies
You claim to be a fan of constructive criticism
But when it appears right in front of your eyes
You take it to heart like it’s said with vile derision
Yet I’ve always liked that side of you
It let’s me know you care more than you’d liked to show
A bit like me too
I think we’re both consumed by anger after a lifetime of neglect
I guess that’s why whenever we’re side by side they say I’m the spit of you
Or words close to that effect
But for some reason I can’t see it
I think it’s my brains way of tricking me for my own protection
A deflection tactic designed to manipulate my mind
Because it knows how much I miss doing the things we used to do
And with a clear mindset
A well thought out introspection
I struggle to understand why I turned my back
And recklessly abandoned you with a lack of understanding
I think it’s only then
When you lose someone you thought you’d be there with at the end
You learn and grow to become the person you’re supposed to be
Up until then I’ll admit I was just pretending
Winging it completely and simply waiting for the day of ultimate humiliation
As that, a cold hard desolation
Was the only certainty I had incoming to my life
I’d be a bare faced liar if I told you I never saw it coming
But despite the brutal agony of being one body light
I’m certain I’m all the better for it tonight
I suppose that’s why I’ve developed a new found faux confidence
Everything I say is said with assertion and sincerity
At least I have since I stopped letting my insecurities take a hold of me
Yet all that goes out of the window
When I’m confronted with the prospect of having a conversation with you
I know it’s frustrating
I’ve even considered substance abuse and becoming a new age recluse
But I can’t seem to shake these chains loose
So you might as well take it as a compliment
And hold the position of acquiesce that you’ll always rev up this charged up nervousness
That only appears when you come into view
Whether that’s at a distance or when we’re in the same room
So unlike when I catch myself in the mirror
Where the aging process accelerates with every passing day
I can’t see this feeling ever changing
And with every encounter that notion gets a little clearer
Yeah
It gets me down
It gets me down

Dal90 Oct 2021

My enlightened teenage premonition

When I look around this room
I realise once and for all I’ve been left behind
Where smirky faces circle around the desolate places
That more often than not occupy my mind
But I refuse to believe everybody here’s happy
Fake smiles and instant denials can only get you so far
That’s why I refuse to lose my integrity
By living a life someone else would like to map out for me
Shuffling between selfies with friendly enemies
And video calls with people I don’t recognise as family
I know I’m only invited to be kept involved
As they know deep down
At a moment’s notice I could easily lose myself to the world
Never to be seen again
Leaving a mystery that’ll forever go unsolved
Unless I fall in line onto the palm of your hand
After sliding delicately around your little finger
Conveniently and subserviently
In the hope I can coax you out of taking control of me
Even if it plays out in my mind like a futile fantasy
Where the finale always results in me being forgiven
For the atrocities I’ve yet to carry out
The one’s I’ve been planning for a lifetime
Or at least since my enlightened teenage premonition
Took a hold and became the only friend of mine
Ever since that moment I stopped getting nervous
And ended the search for love and desperate gratification
From people who only recognise beauty on the surface
As they are built so shallow and self-absorbed
That witnessing the death of my soul right in front of them
Would leave them unequivocally unperturbed
Most sane people would find that thought a little scary
So maybe I’m broken but truthfully I’m not sure
But don’t pretend you can try and fix me
I think even the notion is a little premature
Before I’ve even faced up to the reality of the situation
Although I’ll admit
I’ve been existing in a cloud of anxiety masquerading as deluded irony
Just to avoid this inevitable confrontation of my pent up frustration
That’s been growing from the day I first lay my eyes on you
And there it is
The much lauded truth
So are you happy you finally got that out of me?
Because your face suggests you were expecting this to go a little differently
So I guess I should apologise for that too

Dal90 Feb 2021

If the ends justify the means

Woke up feeling angry at the world
Woke up feeling broke
Like my heads been for a spin in a microwave until ping
It miraculously stopped just as it was about to cave
But if you press your wretched hands against my neck I’m sure to pop
Go on, I’m pleading for you to finish me off
Wait… is this what it’s like to feel dead?
Room spinning, never winning, forever sinning
If so I need to make a call to make sense of it all
‘111' dial
I’m positive I’ve got a brutal hangover but maybe it’s that Corona
What harm am I doing by checking?
It’s not like the NHS is on life support
Errrrrrrm oh yeah I remember
Like terminal cancer it ain’t got much longer
It’s the equivalent of the health minister twiddling his thumbs while Rome burns
Only seeing fit to patch up a 6 inch laceration with a plaster
Save the stitches for later when there’s a proper disaster
Like when WIFI goes down for an hour or the fridge is free of milk
It’s even more intensified in a pandemic
When we’re all too scared to leave our houses
That’s a proper crises
Unless there’s a chance of ***
Then every resistant thought heads straight for the bin with whatever remains of your morality
‘Rolling eyes emoji’, ‘hands in front of my eyes emoji’
You get the picture
Because communication rarely involves words these days
A meaningless glance at your screen can tell you everything that they really mean
No hiding place or time to get lost in space
Waiting for a written response that you’ll inevitably take out of context
Sometimes I really hate the internet
Unless I need to use Google
Contact my bank
Buy food and clothes
****, I’m ****** useless without it
My contradictory existence circles around my tired head like an uncontrollable vortex
Once I realised life without this drug is an unrealistic prospect
No matter how much damage it’s propelled upon me
There’s more pain waiting along the road
if I have to give you up there’s a real chance I’ll swiftly implode
That’s a real addiction isn’t it?
Like a lumberjack with his ****** exe struggling to see the wood for the trees
I’m struggling to acknowledge the difference between fact and fiction
For all I know I could be a best seller
Or a gutter press journalist silenced with an interdiction
Even in aeroplane mode I attack with such bedevilment
Scrambling around in the shadows trying desperately to be heard
With the deplorable aim to stay relevant
I’d even put on a mask of distraction and act with impure benevolence
If the ends justify the means
One day they will, I’m sure of it

Dal90 Feb 2021

Oblation

I always wanted a love that never fades
That special love that would always remain
But lately it feels live I've been wasting my energy
Longing for something that's constantly out of reach
Coiled into a position of permanent agony
It kind of reminds me of the time I kneeled down for you at your feet
Was it last chance saloon or an attempt at a 'Divine Liturgy'?
Whatever I wanted it to be
The results proved to be a failure of an unprecedented nature
Looking up to see your eyes of dissatisfaction was the final clarification
I blame it on all the times I mimed during hymns at church
I guess if I believed in a God, this would be Karma taking aim right into the depths of my heart
I can hear them laughing in the distance
As they take great delight in punishing this tyrant with a devastating scourge
Maybe I got it wrong
When I said I didn't believe
Maybe I got it wrong
When I said I'd never been in need
Maybe I got it wrong
... It feels like I've been saying that with increased regularity over the years
The worse thing about it is
I'm actually starting to believe it
With my backbone weakening from the weight of expectancy
I can feel my mind on the verge of collapse through entropy
But I'm not too bashful to admit
I've suffered with one too many aberrations
So if I want to find salvation behind the door
And I do desperately
You'd be the one holding the key
You'd be the one who could save me
That's why I'm offering myself up as an oblation
To remove every dark facet ingrained inveterately

Dal90 Feb 2021

Insomnia

Every day starts the exact same way
Beep, Beep, Beep
I get out from my slumber, look into the mirror and think
“I really don’t recognise you”
It’s kind of worrying this dissent has become a daily event
But I just brush it off and put it down to a lack of sleep
And think again
“Why do I wake up so early on my days off?”
I tell myself it’s to maintain a routine
When in fact I’m just scared to face what lies in my dreams
More specifically
Those eyes sat at the edge of my bed
Bedevilled with evil intentions with more cutting edge than a nuclear warhead
Trying to burn a hole straight through the back of my skull
Like it’s their sole aspiration to perform a tracheostomy style operation on my brain
But instead of giving me life they’re fixated in taking it away
Maybe I’m being paranoid
Maybe I shouldn’t even have the cheek to complain
But I’m beginning to feel like I’m developing dyspnoea
At a rate more common than my daily ipomoea
And with each passing second I can feel my rose coloured cheeks dwindling to grey
Much like the death of a summer sunrise
Once it realises it should be the usual leaden Manchester day
And if all else fails
The thang like teeth that hang like daggering icicles
Will masticate whatever’s left of me before I wake
Always before I wake
That’s where I operate in a mythical world state somewhere in Roubaix
I bet you thought I’d have more imagination than that
But with its rough terrain and cobbled streets
I find myself falling over multiple times with my two left feet
So I can’t find the time to relocate
All because of those demons that circle at rapid speed
Although, I believe they only exist to encourage me to secede
From the mundane reality I’ve found myself running away from
Honestly
When I’m asleep, I wish I were awake
When I’m awake, I wish I were asleep
And much like a secret that’s so desperately hard to keep
I find myself consistently on edge, moments away from blurting out the truth
But I just can’t find the way to open up to you
And admit that I need some help
Not outwardly anyway
So that’s why I socially distance inwardly
To avoid the moment I’m susceptible to the impending threat of waylay
Because I don’t think I’ll ever be in a position to save myself