I wonder when
We never got to see the sun
I wonder how long
It's pathetic
It's wrong
Ecstatic

I wonder when it's gone
You're done
I know
I may be letting go
of my affection

For a reason
Call it treason
It was real
I had no control
Only goals
To reach before winter

I know it will
It's the when I worry
Still
No one needs this
Middle nor end
No beginning
Close to winning
The world, the parting

I remember when we exchanged our dreams
Yesterday
It seems so long ago
Since you went your way
Did I really do enough
To chase the thoughts away
Did I really try to make you stay

All there is to believe
Useless drama
To make you leave
To make it easier
I wonder why I grieve

Desire, hardwired into my construction
easily misunderstood,
causing blatant, fierce destruction,
forcing things I otherwise never would,
deluded as in rain.
Yet in the end, only bringing pain.
Compromising in any way for highs
or to be sure these weren't lies,
to be sure I wasn't losing ground,
lending jackets, touching thighs
or just putting my arms around
any thing you'd like.

We took a hike in dangerous mountains
returned with stories
untelled fountains,
unlived truth.

I wasn't sure about anything for a certain while,
except for this small, precious dose of overlap
that may leave you wondering how I'm able to smile.

My dishonesty turned you into a trap,
together, whether anyone has to take the blame,
things will never be the same.

Anticipatory sensations
ahead of preparations,
all I wanted was to feel secure.

It didn't matter with who
back then it had to be now.
It's one thing I will not redo.

I'm clean,
I hope you're too.
It was not my intention to be mean
and now I have my cure.

All I wanted was to feel secure.

This was yesterday,
this was punctuality,
this was all I had left to say,
projected insanity.

Numbed or overdosed,
this case is closed,
overwritten, surplus.
There never was a thing called us.

We got what we needed, nothing more,
we got what we deserved, a saddening bore.

She lived right across the street
I imagined it was fate for us to meet

She sat next to me in class
another one I had to pass

She was in the distant corner of a playground
I thought it was treasure, what I had found.

She walked around in the same halls
as it turned out I never took her calls

She was in the same place
but I figured she was lacking grace

This girl lives close to my home town
I'd never want to see her frown
because of me.

I just couldn't wait to,
wanted to spend all my
efforts and time on you,
the one who kept wondering why.

I've read this before
in some place where I turned into a bore
or was being too fast
to make the growing last.

I'm getting better every time
growing richer with every dime
gaining knowledge, reaching prime.
I feel like I want to sing.
Oh, I just can't wait to be king.

Barely breathing, barely alive,
you strive to keep me going.
My hands reached out
and yours did too
while hers did not.

Different lobsters fighting in my head,
one is dead
the other didn't have to fight
she is now my favourite light.

She's pulling me
out of my misery
slowly
carrying me
to my safe place
a new and healthy trace
to follow in the sand
while the other banned
and left me understandably.

They had to end
but why like this
Emptiness
My care is never
something I pretend
I wish I was clever
and hadn't pressed send

Clean as chalk parts on the ground
wiped away without a sound
except the crunching friction,
both our minds indulged in fiction.
engulfed by cities far away
farewell we say.

Clear as the board we used to write on,
used a light on to finally agree
the books I've written
were only chapters, smitten,
sitting on hold.

Whenever you're cold
whenever you feel misunderstood
you'll feel good we parted
and a little less broken hearted
every time you're in that mood.

You were right, my mind is free
I'm so very glad we finally agree.

As written by the eyes of friends,
as the broken toy our glue mends,
warning signs, it all aligns
perfectly.

Obviously,
words you said, you meant,
as needles, pinches, letters sent,
ripped apart by unclean hands.

We stared into darkness
wishing there were lights
deluded by our sights,
took steps in bismal directions.

We'll fade as our connections,
receive returned letters untouched.
As the time we dreaded, clutched,
we chase,
hoping it would not escape,
hoping it would show its face.

Embracing the lessons learned,
I've lost my will to be concerned

You make my mouth leak.
My eyes sneak around to
catch a glimpse, a peek
of what you could make me do.

Looking at your picture,
my brain turns into a mixture
of fried and sizzling cells,
your face alone tells
me all I need to know.
Your words kept coming
and not one thing was wrong.

It could seem slow
but no matter how long
I already saw
you are a mess
underneath a fuzzy blanket
yet a lady in a dress.

These rhymes are simple,
arrangements easy.
They are us for now.
So I don't want to make rash
decisions, less well planned incisions
in this young and partial certainty.

Reeds de derde achter de rug
nog een vierde, doe maar vlug.
Alsof de tijd is opgeschoven,
teruggeschoven
en wederkeerde naar dezelfde momenten.

Waarom blijft een dier zich inprenten
als een beest, zuiders wild,
zelfs al heeft het nooit gemogen,
zelfs al is het nooit gewild,
radeloos maar opgetogen.

Doelen worden pas plezier
als ze bereikt worden.
Nadat we enkele maanden
heen en weer porden
en ons verliefd of verlangend waanden
keerden we terug naar de eigenlijke staat.

Elk van ons is en blijft niets meer,
keert weder, elke keer,
naar een staat in de natuur,
met meerdere deuren op een kier,
noem het zielig, noem het zuur,
we blijven niets meer dan een dier.

Outcomes used to rule,
inconvenience smiled,
they reconciled in the unsafety
of a pool, used me as a tool.

Eager, desperate for compatible
masses, as time passes
in this changing state.

Games, denied of their existence,
yet with undoubtable resistance
against persistence took away
the passion solely based in joy.

Saddening how we read for lunch
and talked for supper.
Boring how we sit and write and crunch
our numbers.

We will stand up for one day soon
to celebrate our meaningful hour
and turn to a meaningless moon,
to hide,
to ask it to devour
the latest pinch of a feeling that almost slipped through
and got inside.

As we stand on edges
as we think about the fall
and the message it alleges
we grow weary of it all.

It's sad, the lives we're living,
how we ruin all we're given.
Sadly we will all be driven
to depriving
insanity.

I lost myself inside your being
was too emotional, unseeing
what your actions brought,
after all they did turn out to be the things I sought.

I'm back to my old ways and left
insecurity and frightening thoughts
behind. The dots, connected, lots
of training, perfected in a deft

and mesmerizing manner.
Once again I wear my banner
high with pride and modesty as one.

Raise your hand if you still believe,
release your hands from both your sleeves
and get it done.

Back for another semester
you can rest your
head on my shoulder
and smoulder me with laughs

I studied graphs
and figures.
Hid my soul inside these lines
as I did with yours.

If I can hold it out till then
past plenty of forgotten matter,
I'll pat time on the back and say
there's enough left of you to play.

A girl is shaking, seemingly
endlessly, most definitely
not faking. Soft, puffy cheeks, red eyes,
pink nails, her impression fails

to shake off and loosen my
interest. Impressed by how strong,
no one knows exactly for how long
she may have been feeling like this.

I feel the need to hug her tight,
care for her when she's alone at night,
grab her waist from behind,
whisper words and kiss her kindly.

But I refrain, will never express
how I feel about this nameless mess.

Three months time lapse
movies, parties, roofs and sleep,
all natural drugs collapse.

Effort and elation
loss of concentration
tumbling into my core

It could have worked, you know?
Our lack of patience goes to show
neither of us could take a blow.

It is now december
when I so fondly remember
how you came over without reason.

I sought validition
the one thing you refused to give
you've chosen, picked a different life to live.

You'll miss me too, you see
you'll regret it so so deeply.

Because no one else will ever
dare to care, blinded by their lust,
to accept the things they must
to make you actually feel loved.

This morning
was a fest of sun and rays
and beams and plays.

This mourning
is not some thing that pays
my pain slays
me whole
a hole
where my perseverance used to be.

I never wanted to accept acceptance
but in where I stand right now
I feel darker than a crow.

It was my own doing
to think I thought it would be freeing
seeing you leave.

My heart is frozen but I don't need drama.
It's my sole issue
that I miss you.

In frogs, in pizza, in windows and wine
I can only keep proclaiming I am fine.

Before we'll watch this movie
I just want to say, make clear, honestly
tell you I've been thinking way too much.
Yet not about the right things
filled with unfortunate timings.

Now I've thought it through,
finally tried to understand what it may have done to you.

I want to excuse myself
for invading the space on your highest shelf.
I went too fast, forgot to build a past,
made too much plans for us to live
because I have a lot to give.

I get the fact it came as overload,
less spontanious, kind of crazy mode.
I've never had a thing like this before,
you were so tasty and I wanted more.

It grew after a while
instead of emerging as massive piles
of burning smiles.

We don't have to plan
anything for our future days.
I've gained patience in such ways
and I've learned you'll come when you can
and want,
and to trust you when you can't,
when you turn to silence, silence I now get you need.

If this is where you end indeed
I'll feel remorse in our fate
for understanding our source this late
and what went on inside your mind.

But we'll see
In the end it'll be
all ok, we'll just have to see.
I repeat, again, we're only nineteen maybe twenty.
Let's just watch a movie.

I tried to let it go
when I heard your final no.
Somehow I ****** it all away
without you my life just seemed so grey.

I started missing you the moment you said bye
there's no need to keep stuff from each
other, or even worse, to lie.

This is not a class some people teach.
I know I went too fast for you,
when in ways I did not have a clue.

My lack of experience drove me to the ground
I want to hear your voice, it's sound.

Neighbour, best friends birthday,
so we went out to play
without inviting
biting
their arm and middle.

We went out for a climb
and we had a famous time
then his hand got stuck
we're both running out of luck

Friends broke up and they got off worse
it's like this week has been a curse.
She told me
she did not want to see
me or us together in the future.

I messed up my schedule
went in for just the facts
came back with a night stand
just one, while my friend almost lost his hand.

I feel absurd and unreal
I don't know how to pinpoint it exactly
the things that I now feel.
I wished things had gone differently
I'll miss all of you
all three.

Time to put the focus back on me.

Your understandable uncertainty
is messing with both you and what I get to see.
I haven't and I have done stuff I may regret,
felt things that may have gone unsaid.

You're like a pack of smokes,
attractive to young blokes,
expensive and rewarding
yet a tad bad.

In time I'll know if she will be
the last unhealthy
cigarette for me.

It's fair to say I need you
but out of sight means out of mind
I can't be the one who's left behind.

I'll never know what to do
If you don't tell me what you want
I can't
just wait, just be, I need to know
where it is you want to go.

I could have kept on asking
You could have kept on masking
what you wish for in this life.

Five vague no's for all my tries
while one clear one could suffice.

I've been writing inconsistently,
way too much for you to see.
So until now I have denied
that there is no one else, I lied.

I am connected to a sense of reason
sensing the origin of treason.
I did what had to be done
it worked, you thought you won.

I did not win either by the way,
but I got her attention on replay.

I dread the times in our near future.
Time will soon be running out
and I'll have to let things go without a pout.

I wish I'd been working harder, I wish I had
my priorities in line. In the end it'll all be just fine.

I hopped off without regret
things unknowingly were said
and my mind can't comprehend
why my thumb pressed send.

Closer, I get pushed away
farther, I get pulled back in
and every other day
one of us can get a win.

You're playing games, it seems
and your mind works in experienced teams.

Leave me be, I've seen enough
maybe I'll get back to it
when one of us returns less rough.

Let it be, it's not that big of a deal
I trust you'll know how to seal
the past and let it go.

You're stronger than you think
You'll see the weaker link
destroy it and be free.

You can be anything you want to be
so turn it back around
and get your feet back off the ground.

My thoughts are more or less devoured
by that time my tea went sour
not a single hour
passes without it crossing my unfortunate mind

Yeah I know I have been kind
and I know you don't really care.
But it's a heavy cross for me to bear.

I know I will be sane again
and that I can be your loving man.

I just wish you hadn't made that joke
cause that's the moment wherein I broke.

I need your attention
did I mention
I don't trust your intention
in a way, I can't say
I can't deny
that I get boring
I start planning
when you're snoring
when you're gone and I leave too
My mind seems occupied by you

I need redemption
need you to go
So I can think clearly
free
and be more than the me you see
right now.

I want to eat or drink you like our pumpkin soup,
our moments in something not that different from
an unconditional loop. Make it spiral upwards, come
join me in this journey to the corner of your mouth
and let mine travel south.
I aim to please, I wish to seize every thing,
every possibility
and leave us stuttering.

You make me write more, start again
and push through when my pen
gets motionless.
Less devotionless than others
there's still one thing that bothers
me. Beyond reason, undoubtedly unnecessary wary
of the dangers in my prospective.
I say live and let live yet I get protective.
I'm sorry

My senses are numbed
dumbed down.
In the distance she is lurking, drinking
I feel like a clown, sinking
into reality.

The best thing is yet to be discovered,
the lack of knowledge hovered
above my broken spine.
Why won't you be mine?

I've been here before, again
this was not my plan.
They never intend to stay that long
I'd compare them to an artsy little short song.
All along the music
right down from the start
you're dreading for the pending ending.

I'm soft and unable to handle all you do
and are done to.
You are just too much, too good,
I misunderstood
When you said you were coming over.

I don't want to feel like this whenever
you are out and dazzled.
Whenever you do what you were meant to be doing.

I wouldn't want to hold you back
but I'm struggling to let go.

She's still running, she's still going strong,
I'll always know what I did wrong
but I'll never get another shot.
That's just not the ending for my plot.

Are we different, are we playing,
are we seriously saying
we are meant to be
apart.

My breath visibly escaped my nose
my next question promptly arose.
Am I just like one of those,
Am I one without the need to close
the closest of agreements.

Another one has left,
the elusive deed of theft,
Inconsistently planned,
a workplace left unmanned.

All ******* in ropes and knots,
strapped to gifts and lots
of feelings, peeling further beyond
tolerable pain to be this eagerly fond
of what our images are giving us.

You parked your bus,
put up your shields,
I have no idea what your intention yields
yet I miss you
and security.

I wish things were certain or at least the next step,
You know yours but I'm unclear about my rep.

Vaguely I remember how and when
she got infected. She was sleeping,
disconnected from the world, heaping
inconsistencies onto a pile and then
breathing softly, laid to rest beside me.
Her chest was acting like the tides, see
how easily she fell into security.

In trust we slept,
though I could not help but stare.
Her nose kept
me infatuated, as if she didn't even care.

She's like a sheep in wolves clothing.
A lobster in lukewarm water,
the footprint of her father.

I wouldn't mind losing space and sleep in bed
if it would mean she meant the words she never said.

His cough encouraged him to stay inside
persuaded him to spend the night
in soft and safer beds.
Where his scarf is less of use
and two pillows mean abuse.
Where cotton without candy
feels like a contraction of sugar mixed with brandy
and he thinks more like the man he
wished he wasn't too afraid to be
less cowardly
he dozed
he snoozed
and snored
and freed his mind of every thing, so utterly vague
five plagues of insight would not have sufficed
to make him see the light inside.

I've gotten worse at drawing.
Just the side-carried feeling
of knowing, gnawing
my insides, stealing
my focus on the better of it all,
numbs me enough to make me stay
down after the fall.

I drew her face in a clean and realistic way.
My pencil made her pure in shades of grey.
My eraser helped her see the light of day.

Still the rest of her is hidden.
I'd wish my existence was ridden
of this flawing
hypothesis.

Ik heb mezelf met pijn moed
Ingeschreeuwd, in 't oor, gefluisterd.
Alsook wanneer de zon de maan verduistert.
Zo ken ik mijn bereik maar al te goed.

Beperkingen in grond en hitte,
Waar een steen zo gloeit
Dat men met moeite zitten
Kan en het gewas maar amper groeit

Ik heb een glas ingeschonken
Paars, rood, wit en sterke geur
Uit diens droogte word ik waterig

Over doorzichtige vormen zie ik haar lonken.
Op haar gezicht de tweede kleur.
Ik herinner me die avond. Al is het katerig.

We fell asleep
Very close, together.
I assured you we could doze
off.
Without obligations
declarations
just sensations.
Still ambiguous, gray, but stronger
I kinda wished you'd stay
longer.
We fell asleep
after watching without missing
without kissing.
Close.
We fell asleep.

We fell asleep
Not that far away, separated.
I assured you
You could come and stay.
Gray
Areas, ambiguous designs,
My common sense resigns
Denies its whole existence
Evaded
Its persistence.
We fell asleep
After talking without touching
Without walking
Closer
We fell asleep.

The conditions have changed
the setup however has not.