Mayte

Oct 2014

Angie Acuña

Sometimes I sit and wonder what people say about me when I'm not there.
Am I the bad friend?
Am I the one that everyone regrets meeting?
The way that you avoid me makes me think that I am.

What did I do wrong?
I'm there when people need me, but that's just the thing;
I'm only there when people need me.
I make Mr. Cellophane look like the elephant in the room.

See, I just don't get it.
I know that this sounds selfish, but when will somebody finally start to care about me?
When will the time come that I don't have to message first and then not even get a reply?
God, not even my "best friends" talk to me on daily basis.
Or even a weekly basis.

I'm like a public water fountain.
People are glad when they see me, but it's not like I'm their first choice
They were probably too broke to afford a better choice.
I am a placeholder.
I am temporary.
I will never make the final cut, but do you remember when you said that you would always have time for me?
Well you and I must have different definitions of the word "always" because time is up and wow, it went so fast.

So the next time that you complain about having no friends, I want you to remember how I was there.
Me, the nonexistent friend; I was always there to pick you up when you needed it and even when you didn't.

I want you to remember every 2 AM conversation,
Every fear that you told me,
Every deep, dark, secret desire,
Every ******* lie that you uttered.
I want you to remember how you pushed me away; how I came back the first couple of times it happened, but this time I won't.

I won't be your ego boost and I refuse to satisfy your sadistic need for attention because I am not the bad friend.
I have never been and never will be.
And maybe I'm thinking too much or maybe I'm not.
Maybe this is all true or not
And maybe one day I'll have the courage to tell you this to your face.

But sometimes I sit and wonder what you say about me when I'm not there.
Am I the good friend?
*Am I the one that you regret meeting?

I guess you could say that I'm a ***tad bit*** upset. I've been working on trying to make these poems longer. Sorry for all the italics and bold font. I thought it needed it.

Mayte Oct 2014

Untitled

I changed. Sorry. I don't laugh at those jokes now. I changed, sorry. My folders don't have flowers in them, instead band names. I changed, sorry. My wardrobe is filled with classy clothes that I don't wear. I changed, sorry. Green isn't my favorite color anymore. Black overtook my clothes and shoes. I changed, sorry. I am more open minded. I believe, now, that the world is a not so sweet place. I changed, sorry. My smile brings no comfort anymore. I changed, sorry. I easily get annoyed with preachings and pastors. I changed, sorry. I damage myself instead of damaging my loved ones. I changed, sorry. I don't care anymore.
The ones that don't change are those memories that forcibly replay in my head every minute.
They tell my to leave my past in the past.
But tell me, how can I do that?
How in the world can I forget something that is constantly there?
When I saw you again, my world crushed again.
I didn't expected the feeling of comforting you.
I didn't expected you to hug me.
It hurts!
It hurts to know that everything came down.
It hurts to know that we are strangers with memories.
It hurts to know that I am breaking inside, while you keep rolling with your life.
It hurts to know that you are in pain.
What hurts the most is that I can't be by your side.
What hurts the most is that I am overflowed with internal battles.

Mayte Oct 2014

Maybe

Maybe I wasn't meant to leave, maybe I was meant to stay and fix the broken.

#fixmyself

Mayte Aug 2014

If only you knew

You are so far away, yet so close.
Every memory becomes unshed tears that condense into silent screams
You left me here…alone
The part that agonizes me the most was that you left without a goodbye
You left.
You promised this girl to be with her forever.
You promised to tend to her needs, to love her with all your heart
Haha. Another ignored promise and many broken dreams
If you only knew!
If you only knew that she sleeps every second possible. It’s unbearable to smile, to lie, while objects and gestures bring a name in her head. Your name
Sleep makes her heart, soul, and mind go numb.
Yet, even though she tries…truly tries…she can’t keep the nightmares from crawling and tearing her heart apart.
If only you knew that she is forced to attend to Sunday church.
Yes, her! It’s hard to believe that the old her once was a devoted believer of god.
You made her that way. You made her believe that god was the answer to all of the problems.
You made her believe that god will love her no matter what.
****!
That girl sure does have a stupid heart.
Because she believed in you. Because she ignored all of the “wordly” aspects of this life, her own life is a living hell.
She goes to church, not because she wants to. No.
She goes to church to make her mother happy and to keep her harsh criticism away from her.
She tries hard not to cry every Sunday morning at church.
She is reminded of all the happy moments you were the cause of. She can’t help compare them to you.
And, always, in her heart and mind you will be her #1.
But she will not make the same mistake twice.
She trusted you, yet you gave her heart away to violence, confusion, disappointment, and anger.
She no longer gives love to people. She no longer gives warm hugs and a “god bless you”. She no longer gives that arm to help.
All she gives is crap.
That is what she learned from all of you.
She learned crap.
She learned that some people just let jealousy ruin their whole life and family.
She learned that the right thing is never done.
She learned that no man, not even god himself, can be trusted with her heart.
Do you think this isn’t the crap that you gave her?
Well, let me continue!
You tore dreams of a girl.
You manufactured a shell for her.
A shell that she covers herself from love, and forgiveness.
You let that girl fall hard from that bicycle.
You let her think that she could trust in you, yet why did she fell down?
Why did she scraped her legs and lost her heart on the way?
You let her cry herself every night
You are such the coward, imbecile who she wishes she never met.
If only you knew that her hand is starting to collect scars.
If only you knew that she uses sleep and pain itself to numb her pain.
If only you knew that she wishes to be 6 feet underground.
If only you knew that all of her illusions and dreams went down the drain.
If only you knew that her plants outside are dying, begging for her attention.
She just can’t bring herself to find comfort in the things she used to.
If only you knew that she watches people with envy, wishing to be her, the one who is loved and the one that loves with her heart.
If only you knew that she hides the pain away from her judgmental family well.
She hides it with laughter and jokes
Yet behind that entire act, she sits in the restroom inflicting cuts on her arm.
She sits in the tub crying while her tears hide with the water.
If only you knew that at those times she wishes to be home.
She wishes to be that girl again.
The one that was hold in her father’s arms.
The one that knew that everything was going to be fine.
The one that knew of peace and love.
She wishes to be home.
She wishes to end her life, give up on all her dreams to be with him. Back to her home.
She no longer cares,
She no longer wastes time.
She no longer responds to those calls or messages.
She no longer is part of that youth group.
She no longer is the girl who she longs to be!

Mayte Sep 2013

My life consists of..

Pain. Deception. Disappointment. Anger. Guilt. Betrayal. Anxiety. Lost. Confusion. Fury.

— The End —