When I think of a time in my life, I see colors.
My time with Jeff is yellow, like the soft yellow light before dusk.
Like an early evening on Waikiki.
That feeling of awe and calm.
And then comes grey.
The slate grey of an angry sea.
Where there is great danger of losing to the depths.
And now, emerging, gasping for hope.

Like contrails
Your memory persists, relentless
I see the line in the sky
Bisect my life
Before Jeff
After Jeff
I know in time, contrails dissipate
Thankfully
But how long?
This being in love business hurts like a *******.

You are the Serpent
I Am She
I Wanted to Believe You
It's a Lie, Counterfeit

Yesterday I could do it.
Today I can't
Yesterday I was awake, alive
Today my sleep comes easy, easy
It's easy to lay here and drift
To dream of better times

My friends, my supporters
They are tired
Tired of me
I ask for help
At every turn
I'm tiresome

In the beginning
I had a sense of entitlement
I still do at times
I deserve help
I'm a good person
What's happening to me is not my fault
But it is my fault, in part
There is always some truth
I did this to me, I know I did

But that doesn't change that I need
That doesn't change the pain
That I don't have the means to heal

I rise up, I take my meds
Like the good little adult I am
I go through my list
I need to call them....
Can I do it?
Not today

Can I do this?
Persevere?
I don't know
Yet.

I finally want to live
Looking out the window
Watching the planes fly over
A sweet young man sleeping in my bed

I sit at my desk writing
He's not someone I'll be with
But he's young
Promise, future, adventure, opportunity
He breathes freshness into my body
Curled up against me

I can't sleep
Too much life
What was I thinking to end it?
I want time
I want experiences
Good
Bad

My thoughts are dark, ominous
Apprehension floods my mind
A dark tunnel no light
No end

The plane lifts
Flies
As always I fear it will not
Why does it matter?
I do not cling to my life

I want peace
The peace of non existence
Juxtaposed with the desire to persist
To remain present in the physical
I vacillate

What do I want most?
My mind wants the peace of death
My body chooses life
Matter over mind

Is that a light far ahead?
Or is my mind playing tricks
Again?
Is the trick lightness or dark?

What happens next is mystery
Today I persevere, just today I choose

One day, in the tomorrow
My lightness goes dark
Will I go dark by choice?
Does lightness follow dark by choice?

Best to walk it through
Until my appointed time
If I am at all able

You unremarkable middle aged man
That carries within such sadness
Such weight of pain

You see tragedy where instead there is great joy
They are happy
Their worlds are magical
Filled with love, adoration and laughter
Only we suffer
Seeing them as they are

Yet their sweet angelic spirits
Brighten the world
Uplifting all they touch

To have two seems unbearable
But what is unbearable is to have none

Be thankful
Be happy
You made miracles