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Sag Dec 2018
Lately I feel
Tethered
Tethered to the things that distract my thoughts like twiddling and texting and

T
E
T
H
E
R
E
D

To the time it takes for you to get home
The hands on the clock rotating round and round day after day, waiting for the sun to set and the headlights to shine through the blinds of my bedroom
Tethered
to the springs inside my mattress
Bouncing back and forth with each toss and turn like a ball on a string
The momentum slowing as it winds down but
Never once touching
The ground
Sag Dec 2018
X
Train cars are just mobile gallery walls
Telling urban stories of silent voices
Shouting out that someone!
Someone! Is here! Is alive!
The tracks rattle and the crossing arm lowers
Sit back and watch as the colors shift and change into a kaleidoscope of existence
Someone is here and knows you’ve been here, too.
Sag Nov 2018
I thought the nineties saw the last of leaving voicemails
I thought we left that mess of feelings back at the apartment on that bed
I thought I left your mind as well
I always felt we left too many things unsaid
You toggle back and forth between opening up and closing that chapter
You probably think the same of me
There’s an unparalleled sadness in getting rid of a book you didn’t get to read
Sag Nov 2018
the books of poetry I’ve found on coffee tables and book shelves disappoint me
young adult white boys writing about kissing and oxygen like no ones ever had a drag of a cigarette or thought about a girl or looked at the stars before
they’ve reduced poetry to single thoughts that they pretend are important
And the twenty something year old girls who took a creative writing class congratulate them with a poem of their own
Broken into
Small stanzas
With few words
That mean
Nothing

...

The dramatics are too much.
There is more to human emotion than cliches and empty romantic lines that maybe you should just tweet out instead of, I don’t know, trying to publish a book.

But the funny thing is, oh the curious little thing is, they are published in books. Everywhere.
And where do my rants about childhood trauma or abandoned hospitals or ecstatic adventures get me?

writing poetry in private waiting for someone to ask me if I ever like to write, and I’ll say, I dabble, and never show them a word.
Sag Aug 2018
Why is it so easy to find reasons to hate yourself but so impossible to find those that make you love yourself?
I look back on all of the mistakes I’ve made and decisions I should not have chosen and I feel like those parts of me dictate the kind of person I am today, regardless of how much I’ve changed.
It’s not so easy conjuring memories of all of the nice things I’ve done for others and for myself or all of the redeeming qualities that I know I have but refuse to remember.
I can never be sorry enough
I am so sorry
I wish I could take it all back
And be better
Better

My whole life I’ve been striving for better
Sag Jun 2018
the muchness of people only starts to bother me when I don’t feel like enough
And I wish I could honestly say it was all your fault the way I sometimes act like it is
but I know my agression and annoyance is only a response to the emptiness
A need to feel something and it comes out as attacking and I belittle you and make you feel small knowing it won’t make me feel bigger or better only more bitter at the way
that you love.
The way that you look at me through soft eyes when I’m ******* you
The way you feed me when I take and take and purge it all back up and say it’s not good enough to appease me
Your patience when I’ve pushed you away with rolled eyes and locked jaws
I can hear you silently standing up for yourself
Knowing you deserve better
Kinder
Softer

I know my soul does too

These clenched teeth have snarled and growled
I hope I’ve never bitten you
But your hands are so giving
and so forgiving
So long and gracious and always outstretched towards my cheek
as you turn the other one
away from me

The sweet Venus fly trap of life

in these words I hope you find wings
or tenderness
I would open my jaws and set you free if you ever asked
but you are the sweet flypaper in my life and if the roles were reversed,
I wouldn’t have a reason for leaving
Sag Jun 2018
I'm not much of a woman anymore
sometimes just a corpse lying in the dark while the sound of video games drown out my thoughts
sometimes I laugh with my teeth showing
sometimes
I want to be whole for you
to remind you why you fell in love with those shoe laces in the first place
to remind you how pretty I can be dressed up in lace
but those were the days before we had to be quiet
before I lost the words to say and the will to speak
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