Have you ever wanted someone to beg for you?
To push against you and plead to feel you ?
To tell you how theyve ached for you .. All... Day ..long.
I need that .
Begging and baring teeth ,
Crazed without my fingertips.
I want him pacing , anxiously awaiting my return, where i can remind him again why im worth waiting for .
I want him up all night counting and recounting the 100 different ways i drive him crazy , a constant game of teasing and rewards.
I want my name to give him goosebumps, closing his eyes and hearing how it sounds rolling off his tongue.....
I want him crazy about me .

Laying in an ice cold room,
IV in my hand,
I close my eyes and plead with god
Trying to understand .

" im sorry we cant save it ,
But theres a chance that you could die;
I know your in a lot of pain
And Its ok to cry ".

I feel my husband squeeze my arm,
Im trembling in fright  ,
Im sad and im defeated
And I dont have that much fight .

" Your bleeding into your belly
We need to operate right now ,
Continue to be strong for us "...
.....But i just dont know how.

A foggy conversation ,
And their whisking me away ,
My eyelids get real heavy
And i just start to pray.

Waking up to quiet ,
Im tired and im sore ,
Depressed without a baby
On the maternity floor.

God must have a plan for me
That i just can not see ;
Even through our struggles
Whats meant to be ...
Will be .

I stood in our closet
For what felt like 100 years
Talking myself out of staying
And holding back my tears.

I couldnt form a single thought;
Felt like part of me had died,
I was the one who gave and gave
The only one who had tried.

Shaking hands , hollow heart,
And nothing left to say.
Pack our memories in a box
And ill be on my way.

Anger and sadness fill my heart
And now im just feeling lost ,
Love can be a dangerous thing
And my heart is the cost .

I fell in love with the way your demons slow danced with mine , twirling around the floor so gracefully i forgot i was flawed.

Its been years since your fingertips
Have lived on my skin.
Months and days since my taste
Has been on your tongue.
It feels like a lifetime since ive woken up
To your smiling face , or fallen asleep to you
Whispering quietly in the dark.

Why does it feel then, like only yesturday that i lost you?
I swear time has slowed to a crawl since that day,
I watched your mom cry as we both said our goodbyes to you, grasping each other ,
Clinging to the only person who loved you as much as I did.

I had packed your things away ,
And as hard as i tried ; the smell of you
And your clothes wouldnt leave our closet .
For a while i masked it as much as possible ,
Till standing breathing you in brought
Me comfort.

I went to visit you today , it bothered me
To see Your life narrowed simply down to
Chiseled cursive in stone reading
"A beloved son and brother " .

It made me want to tell everyone who you were
About the things you did that mattered;
The time i knew you ,
The dash between the dates .


And on the first warm day ; every spring ,ill feel you;  with brand new flowers budding ,
I have peace of mind knowing
There is always a new start , even after the harshest of winters.

..And in the dark cathedral you call your soul, your broken pieces have formed the most beautiful stained glass windows, i cant help but want to peer inside ...

Tiptoeing down the hallway
Praying my parents wouldnt wake
Sneaking out the back gate
To meet you by the lake.

Its become tradition
To grace this spot at night;
And down behind the cattail bog
We can disapear from sight.

Crickets hum and whisper
The lightening bugs aglow ,
They dance and flit about us,
Putting on a show.

Summer heat , a giant moon
and only you and i ,
On a blanket making love
Beneath the twilight sky.

She said "please take just one more bite , then you can leave the table"
I push the food around my plate ,
I dont know if im able.

Skinny wrist and tiny arms
And never fitting in , clothes that
All hang baggy , its a battle i cant win.

I assume that they can hear me
In the bathroom down the hall,
Getting rid of that last meal ,
To make myself feel small.

They make my favorite meals ,
To try and keep me pleased ,
They dont understand my
Sickness, this is a disease.

The world shoves it down our throats, how women and girls should be , perfect hair and body and not over a size three.

This sickness has been an anchor , my hands and feet are tied. The qualities that matter shouldnt be found on the outside.

I wish that i felt good enough ,
And expectations would be fair ,
So i could eat what i wanted ,
And no one would have to care.

You' ve changed .

And i cant point at any event and say " it happened then" ...It just happened.

Like a snow storm and flurries and it adding up before my eyes.

I never realized how much hurt had accumulated... till i was standing knee deep in sadness.

Do you find me in between lyrics in your songs ?

Dainty feet on the cold wooden floor ,
I shuffle across the boards quietly ,
wrapped in our sheet ,
The pups nails tinkering next to me .
He knows who im looking for .
Down the hallway,
Past our framed faces and memories.
I smell coffee .
I squint ; stepping into the sunlight
That floods our kitchen.
And there he is , like every morning .
Nose in a book, mug of coffee steaming
Next to him.
He smiles and slowly closes his book , grabbing the front of the sheet  and pulling me into his lap.
" you're a vision in white " .

I awoke with cold toes.
The starch white cotten against my skin, as my leg lay stretched out to the side. Its so cold early in the morning but i always beg you to leave the window open .... The sound of you making love with me mixes perfectly with the songs the crickets hum for us.

Daddy are you listening ?
Theres some things i have to say ,
The things i think and pray about
every single day.

I want you to know i remember ,
So clearly that awful fight ,
You told us you were leaving
And drove off into the night .

At 5 it is confusing
To see all this go down ,
It took some getting used to
Not having you around .

Even when we'd visit you
You were never really there,
Another bottle , another line ,
Its not like you cared.

Isnt it odd that at ten years old i was
Tucking a grown man into bed ?
And isnt sad as your daughter ,
I couldnt trust a word you said ?

So how am i suppose to trust man
Who says that he will stay?
You said the exact same thing
And you still walked away.

Understand your actions ,
Have trickled into my life ...
Youre the one who desserted us,
Yet its your loved ones that pay the price.

He takes me down
And brushes the dust
Thats collected on my limbs.

He puts me on his arm
And smiles at all these faces ,
I grin and bare it .

They Oo and they Ah at how lovely
It all seems ,
It crosses my mind
That i cant fool everyone .

Silent ride home ,
Seems like 20 million paces
From the car to the house.

Wash my face ,
Trying to rid the day,
Light off.. Back up on the shelf.

I awake to silence .
Him breathing quietly next to me.
The snow outside the window dancing slowly to the ground .
I close my eyes then open them, peeking again.
Hes here. Im not dreaming .
I turn ever so carefully , propped up on an elbow, watching him sleep.
I study his face , how peaceful he looks.
I run my finger tips down his arm
Tracing around his tattoo, down to his hand.
I feel him grab my hand interlocking our fingers.
I sigh.
" good morning beautiful " .

Mamma read me a story
That had me more then convinced
That every girl needed saving
A castle and a prince .

I pictured how my prince would be
Loving tall and brave.
I wanted to be that damsel
Waiting to be saved .

But princes are for stories,
I learned that as i grew ,
They fed me dreams and wishes
That never would come true .

No one really needs a castle
Or silk robes that hit the floor ,
If love is so substantial,
Shouldnt it require more ?

Love gets really messy ...
And there are no magic spells
To make it all work perfectly
You need more then wishing wells .

Can i keep you?

Can i wake up to your hands

Running slowly down my side pulling me closer ?

Can i feel your lips on my skin ,

Teeth biting my neck , i swear it cripples me .

Can i hear how you say " more" as your hands

Make a mess of my hair ?

Can i smile in my groggy state ,

An Arched back , silent pleading .

Can i run my fingers through your hair,

And match your breathing as we slowly drift back

to sleep ?

...let me keep you.

" As you grow older, your Christmas list gets smaller; the things you really want for the holidays can’t be bought "

The older i got and the more years that have passed , the true meaning of this holiday has become clear. In your final days , as were all taking our final breath will you ask the doctor to bring you your new xbox one ? Or bring you out to your new car so you can sit in it ? How about grabbing that new coach purse so you can clutch it ? Dont be silly.

In your final moments , you ask to be surrounded by your family , to hold the hands of the people who have been there with you , supported you. Loved you. If these people matter SO much then; shouldnt they matter just as much now ?

Christmas isnt about buying , or rushing around to get gifts; its about gathering with family and enjoying that really precious time you do have. Right here. Right now.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holiday's all my friends here , stay blessed <3

30 minute shower
20 minutes to do my hair,
Endless time at the mirror
To try and catch your stare.

You see me every morning
And you always say hello
I try to hide that nervousness
So my real feelings do not show.

You ask me simple questions
And i fumble to answer back,
Close my eyes , count to ten
Try to get on track.

My friends all think its crazy
How ive never clued you in
They say if i dont speak up
"How will anything begin? "

Im so much more content
Keeping this inside,
What if it went sour ?
I have too much pride.

So ill stand here every morning
And mutter " light and sweet "
And hope that in another life
You and i could meet .

I pulled that dusty shoebox
From underneath the bed ,
Letters we had written
On the day that we had wed.

We talked about forever
And promised to be true,
Youd be good to me
And id be good to you.

I read and re read those letters
Trembling , clamy hands
I was not this women,
And you are not this man.

Why does time make change ok,
Stop simple things we used to do.
The way youd show your love for me or
How id show my love for you.

You should always hold
My hand, and make me feel my best,
I  should always be your rock,
We both just want respect.

Mabye we just need reminding
Of how it all began, to pick our battles better, and offer steady hands.

I tucked those letters safely
Into a book beside the bed ,
In that dusty shoebox
theyre not getting read .

Be careful when your fingers graze my
Skin .

Im made entirely of shattered pieces.

I yearn for someone who could fill in the spaces between those cracks and make me whole .

I just want my heart to be safe .
                                              That's it .

He sees me in the mirror
sigh and fidget with my hair,
rolls his eyes and laughs at me
" i dont know why you care".

He tells me that my smile
Could bring a grown man to his knees
That in all his years of searching ;
None had eyes like these .

He says he loves my tiny feet
And that im pretty when i cry ;
He says that im a stubburn *****;
But loves the reasons why.

He tells me that my laughter
Sounds like an angels song;
And every time he hears it
He wants to sing along .

"Stop fussin in the mirror,
I'll remind you every day ,
your perfectly imperfect
and that's how you should stay. "

I love petrichor ;
The way that seconds after the first few
drops start falling ;
The scent of Ozone fills the air .

I love the smell of fall,
The beauty of trees showing us that you can still shed bits of you that have died... Yet still be beautiful.

I love the sound of my nieces laugh;
The way it steadily always brings me back
to earth durning chaos ,
Reminding me to be joyful.

I love the ocean.
How beautiful is it from the surface ;
Knowing no one will ever see all the beauty
That lurks beneath the depths.

I love seeing peoples faces describing
The person they love.
Their features change , they
Become alive .

I love coffee, and my dog, and my tiny feet, and whiskey, and sportscenter, and lime popsicles. I love sleeping in ,and watching Braveheart .  I love love, and i love living .

What do you love.

..I want you.
..I want you in the most innocent ways.
I want to wake up tangled in sheets
your feet wrapped up in mine..
Hear your groggy voice as you stretch your body awake.
I want to feel your finger tips linger on my back
as you write love letters on my skin..
I'll laugh next to you, squirming away as it tickles.
I want to feel your lips kissing my shoulder
as i lay against you,
softly , over and over , gently as i sigh.
I want to close my eyes
as you explore my skin, connecting freckles,
mapping my body like your own secret constellation.

I want..

to stay in these moments forever.

I remember the first time someone saw you push me.
She had turned to me , shocked ;
appalled at what she just witnessed... appalled I let it happen.

I remember the first time
you screamed at me,
your breath horrid , so close to my face..
reeking of beer and *****.

I remember the night your dad watched you
hold me against a wall,
not moving, not stopping,
not preventing. I pleaded, crying... He just pretended it wasn't his buisness .

I remember the night you threw me in the car
screaming over the bridge,
telling me you didn't care, my
eyes squeezed shut , 90 miles an hour.

I remember your hand around my throat,
that look you had. There was no one behind your eyes,
you were empty. A monster.

I remember the light switch.
The person I loved..to the demon I hated.
Your voice changed,  it was like I could you see falling into that blackness.

...I remember packing my things and being stronger then I thought..
I remember you screaming how much I would regret it.
I remember you begging for chances...I was tired.

I remember needing to love myself , more then I loved you .

He led me to the water
said just put in your toes
feel the wave wash over you
and let your demons go.

It drags my insecurities
swiftly out to sea
takes them to the bottom
and drowns them all beneath.

Dig my toes in deeper,
sand swallows my feet whole ;
he knows what this place does for me
it patches up my soul.