I GUESS I'M STUCK FOREVER TEXTING YOU AT 12 AM WHILE YOU'RE ASLEEP, HOPING YOU'LL FIND LOVE FOR ME AGAIN SOMEWHERE IN THE BACK OF YOUR DREAMS

THAT NIGHT REPLAYS OVER AND OVER IN MY HEAD
I FELL VICTIM, PREY IN YOUR BED
WRAPPED IN LUST AND ECSTACY,
CRAVING LOVE AND AFFECTION
BUT IS THIS ENOUGH?
I CAN'T STAND THE THOUGHT OF YOU WITH SOMEONE ELSE
YOU SAID I WAS ALWAYS WELCOME
BUT AM I THE ONLY ONE YOU'RE LAYING WITH?

Two and a half years full of lies and despair
Worrying for no reason and pulling out my hair
30 months of heartbreak and pain
It was all a facade, with nothing to gain
I'm tired of all of this
I just want out
My life is a hell and I'm married to the devil

So angry you shake,
tremble,
you can't move,
you clench your fists and you start to cry.

So angry, you want to hit something,
anything,
everything.

You hate everything, your head hurts,
you can't breathe,
you hyperventilate,
and you just break down.

GO AHEAD AND WAIT FOR HER,
THERE'S NO HOPE FOR US
SO DESPERATELY I WANTED TO LOVE YOU
YOU ONLY USED ME FOR LUST

SLEPT WITH SOMEBODY ELSE SO I COULD GET OVER YOU,
A MESS OF PASSION WITH LOVE BITES LEFT ALL OVER
IT FELT SO GOOD TO BE WITH SOMEONE OTHER THAN YOU, BELIEVE ME
I KNOW HE WAS JUST USING ME
BUT SO ARE YOU
AND I'D RATHER BE USED BY SOMEONE WITH NO FEELINGS INVOLVED
BECAUSE I'M IN ******* LOVE WITH YOU,
I EVEN DREAMT ABOUT YOU LAST NIGHT
THIS HAS TO BE REAL BECAUSE NONE OF THIS MAKES ANY ******* SENSE

I MISS YOU BUT I'LL NEVER ******* TELL YOU
I'M TOO PRIDEFUL TO EVER SHOW YOU I WAS IN LOVE WITH YOU

I have realized
My existence is absolutely necessary.
The world needs people like me.
I am a nurturer, I care too much, I am a lover, a fighter.
I'm strong, yet sensitive.
I am smart, inquisitive, loving, and people need me.
But the thing is... I ******* hate myself.
I do not always want to live. I am self destructive. Most of the time I do not want to exist.

But just in this moment, at 12:52 in the morning, on a Monday, I have realized
That the world needs me.

In life, we as humans usually take things for granted. We’re so used to having something or someone, and we’re such confident, oblivious creatures that we think they’ll always be there or that nothing will be ripped away from us in .02 seconds. We always say, “Oh, that only happens to other people, that’ll never happen to me.” Life has imminent ways of challenging us, our psyches, and how well we are able to react and deal with stress, pain, and hardship. Life is actually pretty funny; one day or week or maybe even a month, everything will seem perfect, normal, great… and then BAM. Literally everything you could possibly think of just goes wrong, downhill, absolutely down the drain. We get our hopes up and life lets us down each and every ******* time.

I CAN'T BELIEVE I EVER CONSIDERED YOU FAMILY

YOU ******* BETRAYED ME

NOTHING IS LIKE IT WAS BEFORE,
I KNOW NOT WHO I AM ANYMORE

I was your cup of tea,
Now you drink coffee

December is when I met you
December is when I felt for you
December is when we kissed, and you took me on a horse carriage ride to see the Christmas lights and we were so close I was scared you could feel my heartbeat.
December was cold, my bones were aching, but something about you stopped the quaking in my chest and the flurries in my brain.
December was when I felt your touch and your kiss and knew I needed it.
Since then, you've kissed me, and you've sang to me, and you've been adorable and nervous around me, and all I've done is love you more and more.
January 1st was when we made plans for New Years Eve, but you said you couldn't stay.
February 14th was when you wanted to surprise me, tell me you felt for me so we could start something new. But I had been with someone else and you fell into the arms of another. She broke your heart and my heart was breaking for you. I wanted to love you and cherish you.
July 29th was when you took me on a date, and we were both nervous. I was blushing so hard and tried hard not to smile too much. You were sweet to me and we shared the most wonderful moments. But you didn't want to make anything official.
It's November 12th, and we want to be together. Circumstance won't allow it but I swear to you I'll make it happen. I swear. I love you.

"Deeper,
              deeper,
                           deeper,"
you tell yourself,
driving the sweet, sharp blade into your skin,
you open it, and you feel the beautiful pinch it brings,
the deeper you go, the more relief you feel.
You crave to go deeper, and see how deep you can go,
and nothing is deep enough,
you press firmly,
so deep, that it didn't even bleed.

You love how they look,
so deep, open so the sides don't touch. Beautiful. Perfect.
You're so excited for them to scar,
and you cannot wait to make more, to go deeper.

You know exactly where and how deep you want, need to go...




**You become an expert on your body as you slowly destroy it.

PEOPLE TAKE WHAT THEY WANT FROM YOU AND LEAVE
I'M SO SICK OF GIVING THE WRONG PEOPLE THE RIGHT PIECES OF ME

Do you ever just want to **** yourself?
No letter, no explanation, no reasons why. Just because.
Do you ever just want to commit suicide?
Staying up late, rewriting the intricacies of your mind, planning everything, thinking everything through, apologizing for plaguing your family and friend's lives, yet doing a "kind deed" and getting rid of yourself so they don't have to.
Do you ever just want to be loved?
To be kissed and held and spoken to with such romantic intent, to be kissed and touched with an immense, undying passion. To feel important to someone. To have someone make up the hatred you hold within yourself with the love they expel for you. To be wanted, needed. To love with a love that is more than love.
Do you ever just want to love someone?
To kiss them all over, hold their hand, make them smile, and laugh. To hold them, steal away their sadness and insecurities. To be cute with them and write them love notes and poetry and tell them how much they mean to you. To make them feel wanted, important, needed. To make yourself feel like you have a purpose; loving them. Endlessly loving them.
Do you ever just want to break down?
To just cry out all the things you have held inside, for god knows how long? To just scream, yet be silent. To release the anguish, the pain, the hatred, the longing, the hopelessness, the emotions, everything. To get rid of the damaging thoughts. To feel something, anything; but still you want to feel nothing. To sob your **** heart out. To grasp onto something, someone, so very tightly, your wrists and knuckles turn white and ache. To punch everything and anything in your way.
Do you ever just want to cut yourself?
To dig so very deeply. To open your skin and watch the ebb and flow of the smooth crimson. To feel the relief. To feel something other than numb. To feel numb. To feel the pinch and you dig deeper into your skin, and muscle, all your precious tissues- ruined. Slashed. Gashed. To feel the delightful pleasure it brings you. To bleed until there is nothing left in your veins.
Do you ever just want to be happy?
To smile, and laugh, and not worry constantly. To enjoy life. To be alive. To be content. To sing, and dance, and feel complete. To feel whole, and worthy. To have motivation, to press on. To do everything you want. To find beauty in the simplest of things. To be happy with yourself. To not feel like a failure. To feel important. To feel okay.  To not be depressed. To love and be loved in return.
Do you ever just want to be able to love yourself?
To love your flaws. Your curves. Your skin. Your hair. Your teeth. Your laugh. The way you pronounce certain words. The way you stutter sometimes. The way you blush. The sparkle in your eyes when you speak about something you feel for passionately. To be happy with yourself. To be able to find good in all your qualities.
Do you ever just want to prove everyone wrong? (including yourself)
To be successful. To not fail. To not give up. To make good choices. To think before you act. To think before you speak. To be a good influence. To be motivated. To stop hating yourself. To prove your worth. To show them all they were ******* wrong.  To be a leader. To be fearless. To be feared. To be strong. To not **** yourself. To improve yourself. To be yourself.

Your kiss was pure euphoria--
all I've ever wanted.

You were all I've ever needed.

Bliss, I found in the fullness of your lips.

Hope, I found in the creases of your bed sheets.

Love, I found in your touch.

Or so I thought.

But last night I was slapped in the face with the harsh realization that you'll never be mine.

It's tearing itself through my soul
and out of my chest--
It's rotting me from the inside out,
*and that's not a very big deal to you.

Teal is one of the swirling colors slow dancing in the eyes of a boy that will never love me.

I just **** up everything.
I can't keep things together,
I can't keep my grades up,
I can't stay happy,
I can't be ******* perfect.

You only remind me I'm a **** up every single day,
and it haunts me, even
when you're not around.

Thank you,
for reminding me of what
I already know.

I hate this feeling,
like I belong. But I don't.
like I matter. but I don't.

I just need something, anything
to get me out of my mind-
something to cloud my brain,
something to dull the pain, the feelings.
Substance.
Pills. Alcohol. A blade. Something destructive.

I want something to temporarily hinder my ability to think,
to feel, to be.
I want something to mess me up, to make me feel just about anything but this.
Something to take me anywhere but here.




"Honey, I think you should run...




                                                                   run."

The impulses of self destruction-
they batter at your windows,
breaking down the walls you've built
Invading every crevice of your mind,
spilling ideas you cannot help but to consider,
whispering hurtful words,
adding to the pain that
motivates you to hurt yourself.
It gets so bad, you consider everything you can, even the simplest,
as long as it is destructive.
Whether it be cutting yourself to the core,
giving yourself third degree burns,
swallowing seventeen-too-many sleeping pills,
sitting in front of the mirror torturing yourself,
or just lying there in your own thoughts
until they become unbearable,
and you give in to the pressure,
and the cycle continues.

Goodnight, you said;

Goodbye, I said



And you never thought *twice  about it...

For me,
it comes in little bouts and stays for not long enough,
and when I grasp onto it,
it slips through my fingers,
like warm sand on the beach.

Happiness for me is seeing the happiness others feel,
like when my little sister laughs,
or when I see a little girl dancing to music.

It's the little things that come and go,
the things that you can only catch when you have hit
rock bottom.

NO ONE HAS EVER KISSED ME IN SUCH A WAY THAT TIME STOPPED
BUT THE WAY YOU HOLD MY FACE AND KISS ME SLOWLY TAKES ME SOMEWHERE ELSE
WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME?

I'm not sure what hurts more,
Your betrayal
Or the fact that I was right
You had someone on the side

Swimming deeper into your pool of lies
I don't think I'll ever be fine
I feel like I'm drowning
Your lust for them will be our demise

The person I loved most, my soul mate, my whole world
Turned upside down

How stupid I was to believe the lies you fed to me
Telling me we're okay but we weren't and won't ever be

I don't know if I should give you another chance or just walk away
Start over
with someone new

But I can never love again the way I loved you.

I want to be somewhere I feel loved

Isn't a home where you're supposed to feel loved?
Because I don't remember ever feeling it
I don't remember ever feeling home
I don't remember ever feeling loved
i don't remember
Maybe I was at one point
But this hatred and shame placed upon me and my name in this house is all too much to bear

"Home."
**Where?

Oh, my love
though you aren't even mine
And you never really were

I missed the swirl of colors
in your eyes
and the light behind them
after we kissed

My chest still aches
though I have realized
it is not I
who is missed.

I want your toxic,
talk sick, baby.

Our bodies collide, intertwining,
enveloped in adoration,  sprinkled with lust,
and so much more.

I am so ready to feel your sweet, enticing lips
talk candy in my ear.

I want your hands on my hips, your face in my neck.
I need to feel you close. I want to feel your heartbeat in my chest.

I want your sultry voice to swim through my ears,
and to feel your warmth, in my bed, no need for blankets.

Most of all, I want you mine. always.  to have and to hold.
To whisper the violent thoughts and feelings away.
To kiss me, sweetly, and mean it.

I love you.


And I want to know if you're in love with me.

I DON'T THINK YOU REALIZE THAT I CAN BE TAKEN AWAY FROM YOU
I CAN BE GONE QUICKER THAN A VOICE IN THE WIND
AND YOU DON'T TRY TO KEEP ME
SOON I SWEAR I'LL BE LOST OUT AT SEA

I'LL STAY OUT IN THE COLD JUST SO I CAN FEEL SOMETHING OTHER THAN YOU

It's cold and I crave your kiss.
It's cold and I need your touch.
It's cold and my bones are aching.
It's cold and I can't feel my hands, or my face but I know you're there next to me because you're kissing me and I'm yours.
It's cold and I don't love you any less than I do in the summer months.

Funny,
how the worst, most torturous depression comes at night.

Mind-splitting, bone crushing, aching, lonesome depression that cuts you open to the core.

That heavy, painful feeling in your chest that you cannot help but succumb to.
It reminds you just how weak you are.

How susceptible you are to pain, to humiliation, shame...

How you want nothing more
than
to
sleep.

You claim that the reason you kissed me
was supposed to be "fun"--
for the both of us

And ****, it was fun

until I fell in love

and you say it's "just fun"
I say, it's just blood

seeping through the bandage.

I didn't want to wash your taste from my mouth

I didn't want to rinse your kisses off of my skin

I didn't want to relapse,

                       *but I gave in.

I GUESS I'LL TAKE THE HINT, I'M ALONE AGAIN

ONCE YOU'VE BEEN IN THE DARK, YOU APPRECIATE EVERYTHING THAT IS LIGHT

WHY THE **** AM I MISSING YOU,
WISHING I WAS KISSING YOU?
MISSING YOUR FACE AND FEELING THE EMPTY SPACE
YOU LEFT IN MY CHEST
MY MIND WON'T GIVE IT A REST

YOU'RE IN MICHIGAN AND I'M STUCK HERE, DREAMING OF IF YOU'LL EVER KISS ME AGAIN

I really wish you guys knew just what it does to me, and Emmy, and Trusty,
when you fight.
I hate it when you guys fight. I hate it so much. It makes me want to cry.
You guys just don't understand...
It really ***** us up. I'm scared to look you guys in the face now.
I hate feeling like a stranger in my own home.
Is this even a home?
I don't think I know what a home is, or if I ever have...
Or if I ever will.

I understand we're all pretty broken people, but that doesn't mean
we have to take it out on each other. I understand we aren't exactly whole, either. We're just kinda misguided, kinda lost. It's really sad, to think about it.
I just wish you guys knew how much this hurts all of us, more than just you...

I promise to never show mercy again.
You always tend to have an excuse.
But this time, it's different,
my dear.
The knot you tied around my heart has become loose.

Such inhumane thoughts, so compelling as to say the least.

The thoughts of destroying everything, running and not taking a glance black,
almost in the same sense of mind you use before you destroy yourself.
You do, without a second thought.
Oh, how you wish you could just tear them apart,
give them the same deep, tortuous scars that you bear.
How you crave to open their skin, in the same fashion you open your own.
That compelling blade, that riveting sensation of pleasure you feel after going deeper,
    deeper,
                "deeper",
you tell yourself,
and with each irrefutable slice,
with each breath that deepens,
you still
          feel

                     **nothing.

"your eyes are one of a kind, like they only made one because the mold  broke."

I COULD BE THE MOUNTAINS, YOU COULD BE THE SEA
OH WON'T YOU COME AND CRASH OVER EVERY INCH OF ME?

I'M BREAKING MY OWN HEART AGAIN

When your body trembles,
threatens to give in to the fear
you feel so deep inside,
it feels permanent.

When your breathing is erratic,
almost nonexistent,
your chest so heavy,
it barely compares to the heaviness of your eyelids,
for you haven't slept in days.

When the tears flow like the blood
you shed so desperately
to escape this feeling of fear.

This unbearable, unbreakable, unmistakable,
deeply penetrating fear,
of the infamous panic attack.

AT LEAST I WON'T INVALIDATE MY CHILD'S ******* FEELINGS

"I love you."
"Alright."

"Ciara, I do love you, just not in a relationship way anymore."

I can't sleep without your breathing and I
can't breathe each time you're leaving
I'm trying to write
come back, please...
and darling,
I tried my hardest but
I couldn't make you feel a **** thing.
I hope you wake
up and realize I loved you the most.

If you don't really love me,
don't  say you do.
If you won't be there for me,
don't say you will.
If you'll end up leaving me,
Don't tell me you "never will".
If you don't care about me,
don't say you do.
Don't feed me empty promises.
Don't tell me you'll always love me,
because you and I both know you won't.
Don't tell me you're in love with me,
you won't mean it. Ever.
Don't tell me you need me,
because no one needs me.
When I get broken up with, and I ask why I can't be with someone stable,
please  don't suggest us dating, because you and I both know **** well all you will do is leave and I will hurt, all over again.
Please, don't tell sad girls they are pretty until you have seen the cuts and scars that litter their bodies, don't say you will always love them, and please don't cause them more pain.

KISS ME SO I CAN BREATHE AGAIN

ALL MY LIFE I'VE HAD UNANSWERED QUESTIONS AND AT THIS POINT I AT LEAST DESERVE A ******* ANSWER

Do you ever just have that deep, burning anger
that silences everything around you,
and you can feel it in your bones?

Do you ever want nothing more than to brutally ****** someone,
just swinging at them, losing all control.
That intense, unhealthy, murderous anger,
that no one can explain.

Everyone calls you crazy,
but you're just
*******
angry.

You just get so angry,
so full of burning rage,
that you don't have anything else to do
but
take it out on yourself.

"Leave him, he's already starting to ignore you."

Funny, that's what I've been hearing lately.
Funny how it's pretty ******* true.

I mean, I understand that I'm just your girlfriend,
and it makes me selfish to want to be with you all the chances I get.
But, I love you. Maybe I'm too attached. jealous. crazy?

but when I know, that you talk to
         her,
and pay more attention to
         her,
and erase your messages with
          her
when I ask to use your phone.

It bothers me.
How she ******* talks to you like she's in love with you.
It makes me feel really insecure when you pay more attention to her,
but I guess I am just really needy.

I don't know how to feel.
I trust you.
I just don't trust
     her.

****...