you lost the war that was created in you, not by your hands but by the hands of someone who once spoke soft words in your ear
and kissed your neck that smelled of crimson roses and the prominent fragrence of dolce and gabanna
he spoke of dreams you buried in the back of your brain, he spoke beautiful words to you that were never sustained

you keep lying to yourself, saying that he loves you..
i don't remember love being a black eye, cuts upon the flesh, or broad holes in the wall..
put there by his fist.. put there by his hands.
I don't remember love being screamed at vehemently at 2 in the morning because you wanted to give him a kiss

you spent years drowning yourself to keep him alive
he talked of how worthless he was, how inconvient he was
and needless to say you tried your best to make him see that he was more

but in the end..

he did not love you. he does not love you
he loved the way you loved him, he loved the way you touched him
he loved that you accepted all of his flaws, while society teras him down for it
but darling, loving him is like drinking bleach expecting it not to **** you.

it does. and he did
he killed everything about you..
he killed your smile, he killed your laughter, he killed your charming soul

but really, the moment you loved him is what killed you.


-s

I am a ticking time bomb ready to explode with a single tap
I am a flightless bird jumping off of a mountain because I do have faith that I can fly.. but I can't.
I am sinking to a bottomless pit of nothing, with demons latching onto my ankles so tight they bleed.

what is so ironic about feeling like you've hit rock bottom is.. the pain feels nice when you've landed.
at least for a poet, because now I can write about the epitome of dead flowers that have rested in my heart and the melancholy that rest in the broken cracks of my wounded soul.

the fascinating thing about you though.. you were beautiful like one of the most famous paintings sitting in an art gallery waiting to be discovered by the world. it is simply known for it's artistry and significance.
but even paintings have secrets that lie beyond it with pain that that is painted over with dynamic and graceful brush strokes that shelter it, leaving it to be perceived as beautiful.

and it is.. only destructively, beautiful.

you got a free ticket into my heart that was broken before you even touched it.
it has been mutilated by someone who maybe wasn't identified as a ****** but I gave him that title the day he decided his needs were more important than mine.
it has been destroyed by multiple men, whom I gave my love to but didn't receive any in return.

and the sad thing is.. before these men left scars on my heart and left me feeling worthless I felt like a breath taking vision of a garden of flowers.
until they each hand plucked all of them and left me with dead roots, broken petals and tears that could fill a river stream.
after, I waited for someone to come and save me, like a kitten on a ledge or like a broken heart. yearning to be glued back together.

sadly, not everyone get's a fairy-tale ending.
I am now, a garden of dead roots, with no soil to be given and seeds to be planted for growth.

this is my hopeless, incurable truth.

forgotten love.. almost as if it were abandoned
what was once flames burning bright is now cloudy skies and no sun light.

i was once a whole.
but now i am not broken.. but cracked.

within those cracks.. flowers grew because i learned to love myself more and more
but then you happened and all of a sudden it burned in my core.

roots grew in place of flowers,
rain began and the sun grew dimmer and dimmer as each day passed and you retained that power

my heart grew cold and before you knew it..
there was a steel wall.

guarded heart, almost like a safe.
protected from all the ravage things.

but i could never grow that way, because when you keep your heart in a cage it never can truly learn to love.. all it can do is decay.

my pillow case has witnessed every tear drop from my eyes, every tight clutch.. every silent cry with my face planted into it.

in this moment, i feel alone.
in this moment, i have no hope.
in this very moment, everything seems like it’s going in slow motion.

like how the earth turns.. nobody witnesses that it’s turning.. it’s out of sight and we are so close to it but yet it’s still happening, so kind of like depression, people are blind to the depression eating you alive, they are blind to the fact that you’re being consumed by so much pain.. but yet it still goes on.

depression is like this,
voices in your head sound like busted ear drums
your eyes feel so low that you can barley keep them open.
you feel as if you’re empty

because the depression has ****** every little life out of you.. and the sad part is, you have no idea how to get it back.

las I find myself exhausted
Loving you is.. exhausting 

You leave permanent scars on my heart
where your presence was once present is now vacant. 
You leave me with sorrow and I shudder at the simple fact I have to see tomorrow.

often I’m left with my own demons to haunt me 
I’m left with a dark cloud surrounding me, rain pouring down on my world that was once filled to the brim with sunshine.

You’ve taken the luminous light out of me
Therefore, I am forced to only have darkness..we’ve become comfortable with each other’s presence.

for a short amount of time, you lit an untamming fire in me that burned bright.
Unfortunately you put out my fire just as quickly as you lit it.

you are a thief.
the ultimate burglary.. you stole what was left of my heart and gave me nothing in return. Or maybe you did.. you gave me a kaleidoscope of emotions that all drowned me slowly, eventually, I could no longer breathe. 

you were the devil in the disguise of an angel, you deceived and took advantage 
You corrupted, demolished and disintegrated everything I once was.
How could I ever love someone who had such vague intentions? 

You portrayed as the sun..yet there was never any light.

I was merely a pit stop for you
a place you could rest for the night
Only to be gone the next day.
over and over again.
You were aware of the roots that
We’re planted in me, from men before who’s only desire was to see and touch my bare, frail skin
And i let them, out of vulnerability.. i let them because love didn’t exist in my world nor did i have any knowledge of it.
You were aware that i sacrificed my body for pain, pain of a blade running across my flesh
Like your fingers once before.
You traced every inch of my body with the tips of your fingers
You told me i was the most beautiful thing you had ever seen..
but i was so naive
I believed every lie you conjured up, i believed ever tear that fell from your eye even when i knew deep down it was a lie.
I told myself you were telling the truth even when the hickeys on your neck spoke the truth.
Fiction memories conceived in my brain and countless amount of pain. you crashed into my world like a wrecking ball, destroying everything but my heart above all.
you hand plucked every piece of my soul out of me, leaving me to suffocate and unable to breathe.
From the very beginning, i knew you were bad for me
You were like alcohol in my blood steam and loving you was like a hurricane.

memories.. edged into my brain, good one’s and bad one’s still remain.

there was a time i could laugh and feel nothing
but bliss, but it seemed to fade away into a bottomless abyss.

I lost myself trying to love you, and my world  that was once filled with skies of blue.

you ripped me from my happy place, stole my laughter away and in return you left me with a growing pain.

you never felt remorse for breaking me, because i wasn’t what you wanted... i was a need.

you said goodbye as quickly as you said hello,
without ever  knowing me or my soul.