Amalgamation of missed information
I have to resist the temptation
To rename myself a "bad result of experimentation"
Is to love someone to control their mood?
To turn them upside down when you're feeling rude
I tried for weeks to be astute
But in just one minute you made it all a fluke
Can I get better please?
Heal from this illness, cure my disease
Due to my hysteria I would take any pill
To not let you affect me, get back my free will
Its painful to be alone
But I feel better when im not owned
Branded to be a slave to your polarity
Leaving my creativity
And all I love to your bad proclivities

I was in court talking with a lawyer who was analyzing my case
Sitting in the witness box, in my lap my hands were laid
I stood up after his reassurance
And proclaimed "your honor, theres been a mistake"
The judge said no mistake was made
Didnt I remember how the opening played out?
With no memory made
I stood in front of the audience
Without the truth, not even a promise
And to be honest, I woke up from the dream shivering

I crave for a lot
Is it so wrong for a boy to lust
For the loud
An escape
A scary change of pace
To run from the dull
The drab
The nonspontaneous stuff
The blah and blab
But I need satiation
To accept the realization
You lit up with yellow
While I exist in dark blue
My blood may turn red
But is that its true hue?
The times may change
But my being remains the same
I refuse to be mischaracterized
As a damsel in chains
Waiting for a saviour
It would be more natural to burst into flame
My words are my armour
I will die with my sword
A poet and a knight
As ritually
To myself I have sworn

Theres a hole in my head
The numbing agent fills it up with you
It reminds me of my dreams again and makes me feel blue
And my eyes are now puffy like a ******* balloon
And my week of good progress has been ruined
I miss you terribly
Is what my father always said to me
I never understood it until you were standing there in front of me
Because now I know the pain of missing something I never had
So dont you dare say another word and make me feel bad
For thinking you and I were similar and swelling my deflated heart up to be glad
Nothing can fix me
Not even you who fooled me
Into thinking that fig tree ever held a chance
For telling me its safe to sit down while you sawed off the branch
And I hate that I said im sorry
You thought it was just funny
That I was concerned
That I could be aware someone else was hurt
Dont go smiling at me because i wont realize its pity
Im far too naive
So ends this one reprieve

Im coming down and the headache is infectious
I have to think just way too much and im restless
Maybe fresh air would help but im depressed
And it took too much energy to eat avocado toast

I hate to say I miss someone cuz Im alone and thats not true
I miss me, i miss that he before middle school
Maybe if I knew what I knew now I would be better
Maybe if we moved to colorado id wear a different sweater

No matter what, im stuck in cycles and habits
Need to deal with myself and not just say that im just tragic
Thank you to everyone for loving me even those i cant have it

Shut up
I know you like the phrase
In your impractical brigades and diatribes
I see it in your face that I'm not someone you like
Shut up
I must say
To my thoughts when im trying to sway
To dance you out of the bay of my sorry mind
Shut up
I must remember
Because ever since september
I havent been the same, have been quite too tender
Shut up
Is my punishment, my own cure to the pain I cannot pour into one cup
The oil I grease upon my arms so I can wriggle out, get unstuck
Shut up
Is what I wish I could say to you
To get you out of my head
To end this stupid blue

Snapping out of it
Feels so tragic
Leaving the comfort that was for my eyes only magic
Im sorry sorrowful me
Left you to escape reality
But now im back and im working on being cheerfully
Me without having to sink into darkness or escape into fantasy
Yes I miss it a little bit
Thinking I was wanted or some corny love *******
But yes I am however I have to accept it
Im flawed but I deserve to be loved
And it doesnt mean im less than for simply livin