I spoke of you today.
I told a piece of our secret.

Remember? The one I keep locked away around the corner from guilt and shame. The one you begged me to use for your protection.

That secret that I just recently learned to write about has molded itself into sentences that bled from my mouth today.
They fell out of me.

I thought guarding our love would save the masses.

I had convinced myself that silence was the only way out, and in reality it was the only thing keeping me locked in.

So I spoke. I took those feelings in my gut and I formed words. I took those words and did everything I could to make sense of it all.

I spoke a piece of my truth today.

That truth was about you, and the lies we believed. The lies that your skewed perception of this was love, and the lies that this love was abuse.

Because it's neither here nor there.

You call it love, they call it abuse and I call it my truth.

I lost a piece of us today. Actually, I gave a piece of you away. For someone else to hold for me. To make the burden that much lighter.

It wasn't much, but it was everything. Because your hold has lessened.

Maybe it wasn't the love that kept me captive, but the secret we became.

I am letting go of titles and labels. I am surrendering.

I spoke of you today and it didn't break me.

Small breaths become mountains to climb.
Hope,
a far off horizon never to be reached.
I am walking.
I keep walking.
But it is heavy.
This heart I carry. And this brain.
This broken piece of matter filling my head. This mind of mine has left me wandering in the dark.
And I carry them, both of them.
For miles until I am dragging.
Dragging my brain,
pulling my heart.
I am crawling.
The horizon is gone. The mountain too tall.
I am falling. Down the mountain I go.
I let go of them.
I am laying there. My heart shattered. My brain even more broken than it came.
I am empty now.
And the world is still.
No more walking, no more running, no more climbing.
I am the ground on the opposite side of hope.
I look up at the mountain and I am defeated.

I am defeated.

So tell me, love, what brought you here?

What made you stay?

Was it the way I confuse the dark with the light, or was it my fascination with worlds beyond?

Do my intricacies captivate you in ways you can't escape?

Because, darling, I know I am not easy to comprehend, and I know my inner workings may, at times, be terrifying.

In simple,

I am a combination of complex words that only you have taken the time to riddle complete.

Adrenaline in my veins, numbness on my skin. I am frozen here. Thinking of you. Always thinking of you.

Rolling in the sheets. guilt and giggles fill up the room.

Shhh, don't tell.

Our perfect secret, flawed in the most intricate of ways.

I am mesmerized by you.

Delicate kisses. Painful sensations. The contradictions overwhelm me.

I am back there with you.

You are living in me.

Time has stopped and I am paralyzed.

Not by the fear of loving, but of the emptiness in losing you.