I'm vividly aware
Of how influenced by
Your absense I gave become.
Every cough is a sign of death.
Ever upset stomach is
Tragedy.
Every headache
A reminder of your/my frailty.
Every previously unassuming illness
Has now become a warning
For every possible tragedy awaiting.
My life now a series of
Panic attacks brought about by
Possibility over probability.
What lose comes next?
Or will I be the lose?

The worst part about
Fighting a war on the inside.
There is no place to throw
The carnage when it's over.
It just sits on the inside,
To rot.

In my life I've missed a lot of things.
I've missed my favorite pen I lost.
The way my door didn't squeak at the hinges.
I've missed friends i haven't seen in yours.
Stuffed animals long forgotten.
The old days,
The simpler times of being a child.
I've missed 90's snacks.
Penny candy,
And 3D doritos.
I've missed phone calls,
Right and left turns,
And puns gone over my head.

But I never truly knew
What I miss really meant.
Until that I miss was you.

I breath you in.
Deep drawing breaths.
Hoping to make them last.
Until I see you again.
As if to breath
Your very essence into my soul.
Brand your scent into mine.
To last a lifetime.

You ask “What happened?”

My mouth goes dry.
My brain fogs over.
And I don’t know what to say.
I pull down my shorts.
Past my knees.
Hiding my shame.
Hoping the mere action will allow enough time,
To pass and you'll forget you asked a question.

“Are you scratching yourself again?”

And you give me an out.
The darkness of the night,
The only light from the fire.
Hiding my true shame
The depth and scar tissue only shadows.
And the multitude of scars hidden,
By the darkness.
And you answer for me.

So I say “Yes, not on purpose.”

A half truth.
I don’t Mean to, until I do.
I don't mean to, until I need to.
And I’m reminded of why I have to hide.
Because questions freeze my tongue.
And I’m ashamed enough for everyone.

And it's like I wake up.
And realize all over again,
That you're gone.
Like,
I realize all over again,
what it means that you're gone.
And it's like a sucker punch,
To my stomach.
The air is ripped from my lungs.
And I'm left gasping for air.
I miss you.
And the weight of missing you,
Some days takes all the breath
From my lungs.
And I'm left gasping for air.
Convinced I'm dying with you.

I try to think,
back to after you got sick.
to the details outside
Of you and your cancer.

But the harder I
Try to place my finger
upon those details,
The more i realize
I wasn't paying attention.

I can't remember
anything but you.
Sick, in pain, and scared.
Begging me not to leave.
Telling me...

"I'm not ready to leave.
I'm not ready to go.
You, me and Willow
Still have a lot to do."

So I don't remember.
I only remember my dad.
And that he wasn't ready to go
Anymore then we were ready
to let him go.

For my daughter.
I hope you know I love you
And that no matter what
Everything I've ever done has been
What's best for you.
When you're older I hope
That you're proud of the mother
I have become.
I won't ever be perfect.
And you'll get mad at me
More then I'd like to admit to myself.
You'll think I'm ruining your life,
And if you say you hate me
Know that I immediately forgive you.
I'll get mad and sometimes yell.
I'll lose my cool and regret my
Anger immediately.
I won't always say yes to you,
But know if I don't I promise I have a reason.
But most importantly I need
You to know,
No matter what you do
No matter where you are
If you're mad at me or not
I'm here for you always.
If need be with no questions.
I've got you.

Wonderfully lost.
Blissfully broken,
Because you do not fear,
heartache
When there is no heart
To break.

~TMH

And I cried:
What did I ever do
To deserve demons like you!
And my demons replied:
"Oh little girl can't you see,
Who you are you wouldn't be without me.

It wasn't until I turned around,
And truly looked.
Did I realize how far I'd come.
When I looked back,
And was able to see every footprint,
Uphill battle,
Failing lose and triumphant win.
And every mile I'd traveled
Was I able to truly appreciate,
The woman I had become.
Really marvel at,
The woman I had fought to be.
Remembering every wrong turn,
Back track,
And devastating loss.
Tracing every miss step,
Right step,
And every step in between.
Until I laid my life out in front of me
Like a novel I was finally ready to read,
Did I realize the incirmountable excuses
I could have used to remain stationary.
To never take a single step,
In either direction.
My life was set up to fail,
With countless obstacles,
And unmeasurable devastation,
That it wouldn't have been a surprise to anyone,
Had I curled up in a ball and given up.
And yet,
Here I stand looking back at the hands I was dealt,
The good, the bad, and the horrible.
Knowing that no matter the circumstance,
I stood up to the challenge.
I fought hard.
Following in the words of Nightingale;
"I never took nor gave any excuses."
And I've got the miles of deep rooted foot prints behind me,
To prove just that.

The finish line is here.
I've finally crossed it.
Finally gotten to the end
Of this chapter
Graduation.
Finally a nurse.
Only the state boards
Stand in my way
Of the very beginning
Of my dreams.

There are days I miss you
So much I feel like I can't breath.
Days where I wonder how I'll survive.
With this pain in my chest.  
Other days I can almost get by,
Without feeling angry or sad that you're gone.
Where each breath,
Feels like gravel in my lungs.
And I wonder if there will ever be a day,
Where it's a little easier to breath
A little easier to survive,
The loss of you.
And then it gets me thinking,
Is it worse to miss you so much
That the pain drives me to my knees.
Or would it be worse,
To be able to get through the day,
Being okay.
A day when the world is normal;
Without you?

Nurses are sitting on the edge of a cliff
Not able to move.
Unable to take any steps forward,
Or back.
Strapped to the side,
Suspended over the precipice of,
What must get done, what must be left behind.
Just trying to catch all of the pieces,
That get thrown off the edge.
Of an overflowing healthcare system.
Filled to the breaking point,
With the sick and dying.
Burdened by chronic and acute illnesses.
Plaged by a pandemic that stretches
The walls and foundation of an already
Crushing patient load.
And we're struggle to make it work.
Grasping at any available leverage,
To keep our patients safe.
Our brains running on overdrive,
Nearly as fast as our feet are.
We're struggling to hold up our patients,
To keep everything from falling over the edge.
Strung together side by side,
An "invincible" wall,
That's is slowly crumbling.
As we get sick,
Burdened by our duty to be everything,
And yet never fully anything.
And as one falls,
We pick up the burden left in their wake.
Grab the hand of our fellow nurse
To keep the wall up for our patients.
Hoping and prayer there is an end.
That there is help coming,
Before our invincibility fails,
Crushed by a system to heavy to manage.
And we are all left shattered.

The night sky is cloudy.
Stars unable to be seen for miles.
The air is silent.
Except for the sound of the rain.
Not even the animals make a sound

The headlights point
To the woods.
The engine shut off long ago.

The only movement,
Is a single red ribbon floating in the wind.
The rain bouncing off the ground.
And a single displaced shoe
Laying on the ground.

Some days the world seems
To spin faster.
And I'm left feeling
Dizzy and confused.
Hoping to catch my breath
Before I collapse.

I’ve become accustom to a world without you.
A world where I have this space that I cautiously,
Meticulously walk around during the day.

Knowing you aren’t here,
But keeping the thought and knowledge in the back
Of my mental space so I only feel the vibration of the loss.
But at night or rough days,
The knowledge of your loss is something I can’t ignore.
And it suffocates me.
Takes the breath from my lungs,
the physical pain I feel in my chest is unmistakable.

Grief.
So eloquently I avoid the grief during the day.
When I need to stay focused on the world I'm in now.
The facade I’ve mastered is beautiful.
but on days when I can’t or when my mind is bored,
I can’t avoid the empty space in my life that vibrates me to my core.

Where the grief is stored.
Where the anger reveals itself to be
True grief.
Honest loss.
Reliable devastation.

And I have to learn how to live,
With the constant vibration,
Of grief.

I drown in
The weight of
My own longing.

Reaching for,
Grasping at,
The silk teether,
Of my own desire.

The children died first.
One after the other.
A nation so full of
Laughter and joy turned
To rubble and ash.
Where there once was
Happiness and the sound
Of memories being made.
There now lies an
Abyss of empty space.
That echos off the
Darkness that surrounds us.

To many times
I’ve left work with ***** soaked shoes,
And a beaten morale.
Having spent 12 hours fighting for patients
Who only wanted to fight with me.
Taking 12 hours of mental degradation,
From families and patients about things
Far out of my control.
Apologizing for all the worlds wrong doings,
and Taking the heat for things the patient perceives everyone has done wrong.
Ensuring my patient that my college degree,
Is more reliable than the google search their niece did.
But still relaying the information to the physician so my patient feels heard.
Too often,
I’ve left work wondering why I even bother.
Having forgotten in those 12 long hours
Why I wanted to be nurse In the first place.
Why anyone would.
To infrequent,
Are the “Thank yous” or the “I appreciate its”
Even the “I know you’re doing your best” no longer exist.
Like once inside the walls of the hospital
Human decency has been forgotten,
Or is perceived to be unnecessary.
Patients have forgotten healthcare is
People caring for people.
We are not robots
Everything takes time and we can only move as fast
As the parts in front of us.
When you swear at us,
Kick, spit, hit, yell, an degrade us
We feel those things.
It’s so sad to say we are used to those things.
But,
They drain us just a little more each time.
Leaving us to wonder,
“Why am I doing this to myself?”

How long is forever?
A second or two.
Maybe as long as
It takes to say thank you.

We spend hours fretting
Over moments and things
only to realize,
We’re only on strings.

Being pulled and twisted.
Into the will of other’s desires.
Running all over
Just trying to put out their fires.

The wills of the world.
Sitting on our shoulders.
Clogging our throats
As if we’ve swallowed boulders.

Trying to please a world
We do not understand.
Living in fear
Of what else will be banned.

Covered in fear
Drowning in doubt.
Surrounded by lies
We can’t figure out.

Created in the ******
Of an depressive alcoholic.
Barren of capability.
Devoid of the natural
Mother's instinct.
To protect and nuture
To love me greater then herself,
Or atleast enough to protect me.
I grew up ashamed of where I came from.
Who I came from.
Humiliated by the smell
Of wafting cigarette smoke.
Dozens of beer cans piled in the corner.
Only adding the smell of
Days old stale beer to the air.
Demoralized by the sight of
Dozens of cigarette burns in the carpet.
Proof of just how close to
A deadly close call I was my whole life.
Conflicted by my self destructive anger,
And the love I still had for her.
The drive to protect her,
From herself as much as others.
And the shame in myself,
For loving her at all.
Raised by a mother who more times then not,
Destroyed my self esteem,
And guilted me into the corner.
Shrinking me into a nobody,
A nothing so meek,
I wished with all my strength I didn't exist.
Tortured myself,
Just so she wasn't the only one hurting me.
The only one with power.
And even still,
Nearly 30 years later.
Her inability to love me,
Or mother me hasn't changed the fact that,
I love her,
But have never liked her at all.

I have had passion.
I have had over the top,
Bring you to your knees love.
Have had...
Meaning past tense.
Because passion fades.
It is like a mirage.
Fading the closer to it you get.
An ambient light,
Gone as soon as you near.
I have had utterly devote love.
I'd do anything for you.
I'd be any one for yoh.
Had, past tense.
The thing with all that.
All the things the books write out
In love stories.
Created to make you believe
That real love.
True love should be
This all consuming love.
That drops you to your knees
This passion you can not control.
That's not real love.
That isnt true love.
Those are fairytales
With fairytale creates.
For children to learn that love isnt scary.
Real love is hard
It's a choice.
It's annoying, and aggravating.
Its smiling but also wanting to slap them.

It took me a long time to learn.
Real love is a slow burn.
That ignites randomly.
And you're consumed with it.
But itll burn down.
Smolder instead of ignite.
And you fall into this blissful.
Ordinary.
Ordinary life.
Filled with everyday tasks.
And in between the ordinary.
Are these extraordinary
Ignitions of passion.
And those,
That is what true love is.
Ordinary moments of choice
With extraordinary moments
Of passion.

In the loss
In the grief.
Among the rubble.
Where I weep.

Tortured heart
Bleeding wounds.
Losing you,
Tore me apart.

I look for you,
In every corner of a room.
Hoping that maybe,
You'll be here too.

In my heart,
I know you're gone.
I write about you.
Alive forever in my art.

I've thought about it,
A million times.
If I could trade places with you.
If I could be the one gone,
And you be the one here.
But
Then I remember that would mean
You'd have to suffer with the lose
Of me,
And I'd never do that to you.

How wonderful it would be if
May was just a month
And grey was just a color
If the 27th was just a day
And 0319 just a time
If 20 was just a number.
And the brain just another body part.

But that's not the case
That's just not true
Because every single one of those
Correlates to you.

The problem with depression
Is how it lets you go
Just long enough to feel safe.

Only to come back so quickly.
With such force
You are reeling from the impact,
Slipping under the waves.

Gasping for air,
Not even sure if you want to breath.
Drowning in saltwater tears.

The effort to keep it..
Together.
Somedays is to much.
When I feel like the world,
Will crush me,
Beneath it's weight.
And I become an insignificant,
Ant beneath it's boot.

When I become,
Became, always have been,
A nobody,
A nothing.
The urge to fight,
To survive.
Dwindles to an itch,
That's easily ignored.

When my existence,
Isn't felt by anyone.
Not required,
Ignored.
The minimal fight I've got
Turns into a slow
Melancholy descent into,
Good-bye.

We used to chase dreams together.
Set our sites on another adventure.
Another goal to crush.
My dreams became yours.
Your dreams became mine.
And our stars turned into the same universe.

But when your stars burnt out.
My universe changed color.
And I was left,
Wondering where I was.
The dreams we used to chase together,
I had to chase myself.
And I wasn't ever sure if I'd make it.
If I'd conquer the adventures without you.
And our dreams would die with you.

But I'm chasing those dreams
I'm finding those adventures.
And I've picked up a few people on the way.
So our dreams,
Your dreams,
Are very much alive.
I've got them for you.
And each one I achieve.
Each adventure I take,
I'll be bringing you too.

You will never truly die.
Because a writer loved you dearly.
And every adventure,
Every story will forever
Have a piece if you in it.

Some days I feel like
I'm sitting with my back to the fire.
And it's melting away
The layers of my skin.
But my face never reveals,
The pain, and undying loss.
Until one day,
Everyone I love will awaken.
To the charred ashes of my remains
And a note that says I'm sorry,
I didn't know how to show you.
I did not know what to say.
How do you describe a loss so great
With only words to say.

I have felt exquisite wonder
And I have felt devastating lose.
I have been wrapped in the softest love.
And cut by the sharpest regret.
My life has been a lifetime movie gone wrong.
But also a Hallmark movie gone so right.
My skin has been blistered by abuse,
And it has been soothed by honeyed lips.

I have been overwhelmed with heartache,
But I've been overwhelmed with elation too.
I spent long periods of my adolescents and early 20s
Retreating to the dark,
Hopeless,
Desperate to disappear.
Believing I was Noone
Convinced I'd never be anyone.

I have been so beaten by despair,
Left battered, and bruised.
Untethered from my life,
Shrouded in worthlessness.
And I have felt so elevated with purpose,
Lifted battered and bruised back onto my feet.
With resolve so strong
I've  felt it in my bones.
Illuminated with determination.

Every time I swore I couldn't get up again,
I did.
Every time I feared this was the one that did me in,
It wasn't.
Every dark corner I never thought I'd find my way out of,
I found my way to the light.
Everything meant to destroy me,
Also created me.

Each destruction a platform for my rebirth.
A place to rise from the ashes.
A stepping stone that said:
"I've been here. It's time to move on."

My life has been a constant Flux between
Horrendous and wonderous.
On a pendulum gage swinging back and forth.
And in the end,
I'm thankful for all I've learned from it,
And the strength I've achieved because of it.

It is like running a 2 year long marathon
In all types of weather.
To see the finish line coming up
And when you get there
For a moment there isn't anyone there.
The streets are bare.
It is dead silent.
And all the anticipation
Just vanishes.
No one is there to even see you finish.
But then the fog clears
And you realize there are people here.
They were just hidden behind
The fog.
The fog I can now say was grief.
Hitting the finish line
Without him here.
Was like reaching the end
And for a moment
I had to take the time to sit
With no one there
The silence his space that's now empty
The loneliness
The penance for his absence.
But,
Slowly that grief lifts
And I am reminded of everyone else,
Who is here today.

For most people routine
Is something they avoid.
The fear of being bored,
Being with someone who bores them.
However I spent my life in a shamble
Of never knowing what it would be like.
Every day a struggle of unknown.
Would my mother be the nice witch?
Or would the hag be the one
to come and play.
I spent years cowering in corners.
Ducking out of reach.
Trying to be invisible
Unseen, unheard.
So for me I desire routine.
A man who isn't afraid of ordinary.
Mundane, a simple life.
One where there isn't any questions
About who will show up to play.
Only the knowing that,
Today,
And every other day,
Will be ordinarily extraordinary.
That is a fairytale for a girl like me.

Broken glass liters the ground.
****** footprints all around.

I search for peace,
Within this release.

Only for a moment I’m free.
Floating  among the clouds carefree.

Then the anger, doubt, and worry.
Cover me in smoke in a flurry.

Reminding me of what I’ve done/
How this would hurt everyone.

And once again the blood on the floor,
Isn’t such a relief anymore.

And my short escape from here
Just as quickly will disappear.

Among my many other mistakes.
Like my own mental outbreaks.

Why can I never remember this part.
Where all the relief just falls apart.

Turning to regret.
Forgetting it all and hit….
                                Reset.

Somewhere between here
and then.
Between what was and what could be.
I lost you.
And then I found him.
The boy!
The one you promised I'd find.
The one who would
change my mind.
Would crumble my wall.
But how do I move
Forward without your steady hand?
You won't be there at a wedding.
Or the birth of a grandchild.
How do I have a child,
that will never know you.
You knew him and liked him.
But how do I give myself
Permission to have a life.
A new life where you
can't be here for it.
How do I let that be okay?
Becusem,
I'd really like to keep him.
But i gotta keep going if i want to keep him.
So tell me Dad........
How do I let myself have a happy life
without you here with me?

You will never truly die
Because a writer loved you
With such an immense force.
Every sunset is about you.
Every sunrise is too.

Every morning begins with you.
And every night ends there too.
Such a love will never die.
It only changes and molds.
To something we like to call grief.

And in the end,
Even after all the hurt.
I sit here,
Unable to walk away.

Like maybe,
I'm punishing myself.
Hurting myself on purpose,
In a new way.

I've created a new version.
Of self mutilation.
One where i use your inability to care,
As the blade against my skin.

Sometimes missing you
Takes every molecule of oxygen
I have in my lungs.
And my lungs are devastated
Withered and gasping for air.

My skin,
Like stained glass windows.
Nearly translucent ,
With colorful artwork.
Imperfections in the glass,
Hidden behind colorful staining.
It's harder to see the major imperfections,
With pretty artwork upon the walls.

Not a month goes by without
The reminder that my dad
Isn't here anymore.
Not a day goes by,
That I am not reminded
Of the fact that I am
In all essence of the word an orphan.
With no family to rely on.
Not a second goes by
That I am not reminded
Of the fact that you
Are gone and I still need you.
And it's not easy,
Figuring who I am now,
Without you.
Time doesn't pass unnoticed.
I am reminded of your absence
With every second you are gone.
Like a bad joke,
And I just don't get the punch line.

So today is Mother’s Day.
And while you were my dad,
Every year I wished you a Happy Mother’s Day too.
Because you’re the one who taught me all the things,
That my mother should have but didn’t

The man who tried to put my hair up,
Even if it was a disaster, you were never very good at it.
But I always appreciated the fact that you tried.

The man who bought me my first box of pads,
When I came out of the bathroom mortified that I wasn’t prepared.
But you handled it like a champ and just went right out and got them for me.

So today is a little more empty then before.
Where the emptiness used to be the fact that my mother had failed me.
She had failed to be a good mother, her best just wasn’t enough.
Now the emptiness is that you aren’t here either, and now I just feel like an orphan.

With my roots ripped out of the ground.
Not sure where exactly I belong, or if I even belong anywhere anymore.

But happy mother’s Day in Heaven Dad.
I hope you know that even though you’re gone
I’m still thankful every day for you, who you were, and who you helped me become.

A letter to nobody,
I wish that i could explain to you just how much it hurts to grieve a loss as great as this.  but until you know the loss of your father, mother, best friend, confidant, cheerleader, partner in crime you don't know what it feels like to have it all gone.
It's missing every single thing that was.  And missing every single thing that will never be.  It's about missing the things you never wanted.  Like a second child you weren't sure you even wanted, but now all you can feel is that fact that they will never know him.  He will have never meet them, and there will be a world where you child wont know their grandfather.
It's drowning in waves of loss throughout the day while keeping a straight face.  It's continuing the conversation, continuing my work without faltering, but drowning in waves of memories, and losses all at once.  Every day a struggle to try and remember that you have to keep going, you have to keep fighting.
But every day you go to call him, only to remember that never again will you call that number and hear his voice on the other line.  That number isn't the number you can call anymore for the good and the bad, and hear "What now" as an answer on the other line.  That number isn't in my phone anymore.  Adjusting my life to try and figure out if i will ever have a number in my phone that i can call for all of those things.
You don't know a loss that leaves your world destroyed.  When you have to adjust to a life where you feel as though you have to start over.  Start over as a human and learn to live in a world, where the only person who ever made you feel safe, loved, and completely worthwhile is now gone.  
So here i am.  Wondering if i am worthwhile.  If everything he ever said was true, or if they were just the word of a proud father.  At the end of the day i'm still here.  Struggling through a world where you aren't.  A place where you don't exist anymore except in a box in my living room.  And a world where i cry every day, trying to keep my head above water.
So, to whoever i wrote this for. That is what it is like to know grief.  That's part of what it is like to lose your person.  And even still, it doesn't even come close to the black hole it causes, the loss.  I hope you never know what that grief is.