Christmas cheer this year
Is wrapped in tinsel and tears.
Another year has passed
Another year gone.
Each one as hard as the last.
I miss you now,
Just as much as then.
I put on a brave face,
I step into the crowd and,
I'm so out of place.
No family here,
No anchor to my past.
So every new year's as hard as the last.
I hope that you know
We love you so.
And every year we leave you a chair,
In Hope's that each year you'll be there.

There are days I miss you
So much I feel like I can't breath.
Days where I wonder how I'll survive.
With this pain in my chest.  
Other days I can almost get by,
Without feeling angry or sad that you're gone.
Where each breath,
Feels like gravel in my lungs.
And I wonder if there will ever be a day,
Where it's a little easier to breath
A little easier to survive,
The loss of you.
And then it gets me thinking,
Is it worse to miss you so much
That the pain drives me to my knees.
Or would it be worse,
To be able to get through the day,
Being okay.
A day when the world is normal;
Without you?

For most people routine
Is something they avoid.
The fear of being bored,
Being with someone who bores them.
However I spent my life in a shamble
Of never knowing what it would be like.
Every day a struggle of unknown.
Would my mother be the nice witch?
Or would the hag be the one
to come and play.
I spent years cowering in corners.
Ducking out of reach.
Trying to be invisible
Unseen, unheard.
So for me I desire routine.
A man who isn't afraid of ordinary.
Mundane, a simple life.
One where there isn't any questions
About who will show up to play.
Only the knowing that,
Today,
And every other day,
Will be ordinarily extraordinary.
That is a fairytale for a girl like me.

I saved the best for last.
I saved the end til now.
To mark the sky in oil paints.

Some days the world seems
To spin faster.
And I'm left feeling
Dizzy and confused.
Hoping to catch my breath
Before I collapse.

Sometimes missing you
Takes every molecule of oxygen
I have in my lungs.
And my lungs are devastated
Withered and gasping for air.

Some days I feel like
I'm sitting with my back to the fire.
And it's melting away
The layers of my skin.
But my face never reveals,
The pain, and undying loss.
Until one day,
Everyone I love will awaken.
To the charred ashes of my remains
And a note that says I'm sorry,
I didn't know how to show you.
I did not know what to say.
How do you describe a loss so great
With only words to say.