Some goodbyes are like butterflies,
So soft if you hadn't been watching,
You'd never have known they'd gone by.
Other goodbyes are as loud as fog horns.
Going off inside the confines of your head.

Some goodbyes are like yo-yos.
They come back a few more times,
Before they're truly gone.

Often goodbyes are as painful
As an electrocution in a downpour.
But sometimes they're as freeing
As the wind caressing your skin,
From the open windows.

Some goodbyes are heaven sent.
Others are hell bound.

But one thing they all have in common,
At the end of every goodbye,
It takes a small piece of you as a memory.

The effort to keep it..
Together.
Somedays is to much.
When I feel like the world,
Will crush me,
Beneath it's weight.
And I become an insignificant,
Ant beneath it's boot.

When I become,
Became, always have been,
A nobody,
A nothing.
The urge to fight,
To survive.
Dwindles to an itch,
That's easily ignored.

When my existence,
Isn't felt by anyone.
Not required,
Ignored.
The minimal fight I've got
Turns into a slow
Melancholy descent into,
Good-bye.

My skin,
Like stained glass windows.
Nearly translucent ,
With colorful artwork.
Imperfections in the glass,
Hidden behind colorful staining.
It's harder to see the major imperfections,
With pretty artwork upon the walls.

In the darkness I heard this keening.
A sounds so devastating.
As if they were dying from the inside out.
As if the world had swallowed them whole.
Devouring them.

And it took me a minute,
To realize.
That sound was coming from me.
I was the one dying.
But utterly and unwaveringly  alive.

And it's like I wake up.
And realize all over again,
That you're gone.
Like,
I realize all over again,
what it means that you're gone.
And it's like a sucker punch,
To my stomach.
The air is ripped from my lungs.
And I'm left gasping for air.
I miss you.
And the weight of missing you,
Some days takes all the breath
From my lungs.
And I'm left gasping for air.
Convinced I'm dying with you.

You ask “What happened?”

My mouth goes dry.
My brain fogs over.
And I don’t know what to say.
I pull down my shorts.
Past my knees.
Hiding my shame.
Hoping the mere action will allow enough time,
To pass and you'll forget you asked a question.

“Are you scratching yourself again?”

And you give me an out.
The darkness of the night,
The only light from the fire.
Hiding my true shame
The depth and scar tissue only shadows.
And the multitude of scars hidden,
By the darkness.
And you answer for me.

So I say “Yes, not on purpose.”

A half truth.
I don’t Mean to, until I do.
I don't mean to, until I need to.
And I’m reminded of why I have to hide.
Because questions freeze my tongue.
And I’m ashamed enough for everyone.

In my life I've missed a lot of things.
I've missed my favorite pen I lost.
The way my door didn't squeak at the hinges.
I've missed friends i haven't seen in yours.
Stuffed animals long forgotten.
The old days,
The simpler times of being a child.
I've missed 90's snacks.
Penny candy,
And 3D doritos.
I've missed phone calls,
Right and left turns,
And puns gone over my head.

But I never truly knew
What I miss really meant.
Until that I miss was you.