CataclysticEvent

CataclysticEvent Jun 2019

Reminded

Not a month goes by without
The reminder that my dad
Isn't here anymore.
Not a day goes by,
That I am not reminded
Of the fact that I am
In all essence of the word an orphan.
With no family to rely on.
Not a second goes by
That I am not reminded
Of the fact that you
Are gone and I still need you.
And it's not easy,
Figuring who I am now,
Without you.
Time doesn't pass unnoticed.
I am reminded of your absence
With every second you are gone.
Like a bad joke,
And I just don't get the punch line.

CataclysticEvent Jun 2019

I Wonder?

I often wonder what my life would have
Been like, had it started differently.
If I had a mother who adored me.
Gave me all the affection I wanted.
Protected me when I needed.
If I'd still be the same.
My tragic life of
Misfortune, neglect, pain,
Suffering, ****, abuse, and fear
Have shaped me
Created the girl that I am.
With a moral code so strong,
With standards about empathy and caring
So above standard.
I am reminded daily.
"Not everyone is like you.
Not everyone cares as strongly,
For so many as you do."

Would that girl be gone?
I believe the tragic life,
That i was given,
Was to create the woman that I am today.
And the outstanding and amazing
Father I was given,
Was to offset the mother I was denied.

And anyday of the week.
Any year in my life.
I'd take the life and father i was given,
Over a better life without him.
And without the woman that I became.

#alternatereality #whowouldibe

CataclysticEvent Jun 2019

Colors

And it all went gray.
All the color in my life drained away.
The vibrancy in my words
Liquified and ran down the drains,
Of my life like tears.
My life became a black and white movie
With no sound.
A vestibule to my torment.
Then like a solar flare.
Blue awash my vision.
And slowly as it cleared there was you.
Blue in all your glory
In my world that had been gray for so long.
And the colors are slowly coming back.
In small solar flares at a time.
Glimpses of oranges, purples, and pinks.
But my favorite,
The vibrant life assuring ...
Green.

CataclysticEvent Jun 2019

The girl from before

Who I was
"Before".
I'll never be her again.
I'll never run my fingers
Across her framed walls.
Never again will
The troubles of today,
Be tomorrows problem.
I'll never get to smell
The scent of lilac from
The nose of the girl I used to be.
I'll never hear the words,
"Love ya" from the ears of the girl,
That's used to be me.

The girl I was before
I don't know that girl anymore.

CataclysticEvent Jun 2019

The trouble with food

I still struggle with
How loud my food is on my plate.
How it screams at me,
Pokes and prods my squishy parts.
I struggle with
The sweet endearment of my softness.
How he loves my "curves".
My mind screaming FAT.
Trying to destroy the sweet sentiment
That he so freely hands to me.
Like a rose he's specifically plucked for me.
To show me he thinks my "curves"
Are worth the fact that food
Makes me gag when I realize how
Fat I've become, and how
I struggle so badly with the number
On the scale.
I threw the **** thing in the trash.
HA!
Let's see how you torment me now,
When you can't flash the red numbers
In my face.
FAT!
I struggle.
Daily to remember I am not
A number on a scale.
I am not a size in my jeans.
I struggle
Not to scream at myself,
And starve myself back to "perfect"
Avoiding mirrors like snickers bars.
As if they may crack with my reflection.
At the hideousness of my softness.
Looking down,up next to, around
But never at the woman in the mirror.
At the curve of her waist.
Or the curves in her hips.
As if I dare look, if I dare
Accept that woman in the mirror
Accept the softness of her.
Maybe food wouldn't make me gag.
But I struggle.
I avoid full length photos like,
Maybe if i can't see "HER"
She doesn't exist.

CataclysticEvent Jun 2019

Heartbreak muse

The one thing about pain,
There is never an end
To the amount of material
We get from the experience.
Heartbreak is such
A wonderful Muse.

CataclysticEvent Jun 2019

One without the other

If the good didn't come with the bad.
How would we know the difference
Between the two?
If we never knew sorrow,
How would we know great joy?
If we never knew lose,
How would we know love?
We forget that one without the other,
Means there was never anything at all.
I would rather know grief,
Then never having loved.
And I would rather have known bad,
Then having never known the good.
There are two sides for a reason,
One without the other leaves us
With a monotone palate of expression.