Annette’s hands are candle wax—
at least as far as shadows are concerned,
twisting in ways that are non-harming.

She said she went to a girls’ reform school
in West Berlin,
where the bookshelves were dusty scars
so old she forgot—ugh, what’s his name?
They were torn from their families.

We had a common interest
in destroying the vapid
with how much we drank
in her New York apartment.

We knew with total certainty
we were witnessing
the decline of Western civilization—
of course Evan still needed to go on walks.
Otherwise, he’s an Ignoble weasel.
Without meaning.

So we write what goes through our heads:
there’s hope for tomorrow
because of Iggy Pop—
the dead future
with makeup
but contained.

“How do you feel about fictionalizing the crisis?” I asked.
“Unhappiness has a beginning.”

Okay then—dominate me.

When something reminds her of the past,
she focuses
on her hands.

JOY IS

creating
and remembering

insignificance.

JOY IS

loving
and
remembering loss.

JOY IS

wanting it
and getting it and
paying for it.

JOY IS

Being in a moment
And for a second forgetting
you can’t go back.

JOY IS

a cupcake
with calories.

JOY IS

working
and giving away
your time.

JOY IS

children—
and worrying
about children.

JOY IS

flowers
and dead flowers.

JOY IS

you’re here!
Until they’re gone.

JOY IS

a moment
stamped
permanently
behind your eyelids.

you look for it.
a two-sided coin.

alone
and together,

young and old,
old and new
and experienced.

beauty
for now.

in a stranglehold—
JOY always escapes
laughing.

you can’t hold onto joy.
JOY escapes.

No—
Clothes with strings.
Clothes with metal strap adjusters.
Shoes with laces.
Belts.
Drawstrings on sweatpants.

No—
phone chargers.
Anything with batteries.
Anything with glass.
Anything with cords.

Hair clips.
Pen caps.
Floss.

Plastic spoons—
they keep them in their pockets.
You have to ask.
They have to watch you throw them away.
Still not sure what someone did
to make that a rule.

Papers with staples.
Wire-bound notebooks.
Soap pumps—
any pumps.
Perfume bottles.
Aerosol sprays.
Caffeine after three.
Movies over PG.
Headphones.
News.
Calls.
Keys.
Coins.
Lighters.
Matches.
Book­s with hard covers.
Razors (duh).
Scissors.
Tweezers.
Nail clippers.
Q-tips.
Mirrors.
Makeup.
Sharp pencils.
Plastic bags.
Last names.
Privacy.

No guitar—
unless you have a prescription.

Thirty minutes between checks,
all day, all night.

No door knobs.
No way out.
Nowhere left to go.

No—
you.

Not yet one of the women
in the dead field,
broken, dry.

Still alive, but with the
trauma brain of
one who has hummed deep into the ocean
and had their face slapped.

While all the girls are busy
drowning cats headlong—
singing songs she never heard,
laughing like they’d never buried nothin’.

She made the men feel less like men.
That went on for sixteen years—
until they released her
to till the soil.

Arrangements were made with the chief psychologist,
with direction from Him—
who has all knowledge and power
to leave her there.

Bent over with the grey-haired women,
she’s wishin’ for no further fertilization—
freeze, if necessary.

While all the girls are busy
drowning cats headlong—
singing songs she never heard,
laughing like they’d never buried nothin’.

A cross between the four fields—
she will not be one of the women there;
or dead. Or think back.

She feels for it still—
scraping at the rocks,
her beating heart.

Maybe she can
continue,
as long as her thoughts flow freely,
humming through the noise.

She might remember
how to love herself—
that’s all she has left.
That’s her only chance.

A bird fallen from his tree,
wings broken,
chest rising in uneven panicked gasps
half in a mud puddle

disgusted them.
No song left in his throat,
no color in his feathers.
Probably diseased.
No longer hopeful,
no longer a thing to be admired.

They looked up from the ragged pile of feathers
drawn only to the sky-
to the soaring.
They had no use
for the broken one at their feet.

He lay there,
not dead,
but forgotten.
His pain
too heavy, too honest,
too close to the end.

And they looked away.
Pretended he had never flown,
never sang,
never mattered.

And in that silence,
he writhed.
The mask of beauty long shed,
his frailty exposed
to boots and blindness alike.

He had fallen.
His panicked fluttering body of tiny hollow bones
in the gutter of the world,
breathing his last breaths about to die.
He fell out of the sky.

And they stepped over him—
And on him—
with the same indifference.

Until he stopped moving.

I’m not a writer,
so I’ll give it to you straight—
without fancy words
or the metaphors I hate.

I’m a nobody
that’s never been a somebody,
that will never amount to anything—
and I’m just like you.
Admit it, it stings.

It’s not Go-thee,
it’s Goethe, I swear—
I’ve read every page,
just never learned where
the right sounds live
in a mouth like mine.

But make no mistake I’m not far behind.

And it might make you sad,
but it’s the sad truth.
When will you see
I didn’t waste my mind or my youth?

Time is a tightly closing fist
that has us all by the throats,
and we won’t escape the clock—
so hold me close.

I think and I dream,
and then I plant those thoughts
like deep-rooted flowers
in hand-painted pots.

I’ll never win a Pulitzer
or get an honorable mention,
but that doesn’t mean
I don’t live my life with intention.

And it might make you sad,
but it’s the sad truth.
When will you see
I didn’t waste my mind or my youth?

Time is a tightly closing fist
that has us all by the throats,
and we won’t escape the clock—
so hold me close.

What do you want it to say on your grave, TV woman?
I’m a feminist too.
But I know that being a cog in the wheel
Won’t pay homage to the goddess in you.
TV woman.

I am your daughter, I know your worth,
Stop working so hard for what?
Touch your body, touch the earth,
TV woman.

You are everything,
and you always were,
TV woman.

You don’t even have the bank account
They say makes it worth your time on earth,
TV woman.

I wanna be proud, but you’ve been blown off course,
Stability is an illusion—
Even financial—
Write a poem that’s substantial,
TV woman.

You are everything,
and you always were.

So you’re better than men, that’s obvious,
You’re the best in your field,
TV woman.
But the world doesn’t need a network special.
You feed your ego, not your soul,
Let it go, let it go, let it go.

You are everything, and you always were,
TV woman.