You tell me these blades are dangerous
You tell me they can ****

But little do you realize
It's my thoughts that really will.

You can't save everyone.
It's as simple as that.
Not all stories have happy endings
Or redemption arcs
They just end
As much as you think you can
As much as you feel it's necessary to help them
Their survival is not guaranteed.
And, believe me,
Trying to save someone else
Means giving up part of yourself.
Do this enough, there will be no more 'yourself'
You may think it'll be worth it
But there's only so much you can do
Before you destroy yourself

A cutting friend introduced me to the practice.
I tried all I could and it drained me.
They left my life none the better
And I left theirs all the worse.

Don't push yourself too far, is what I'm saying.
Some things are just futile.

Sticks and stones may break my bones
But words have power to break down souls

And what's a functioning body without a functioning soul?
A husk of a human simply existing, not living

The words can be insultive, and yeah those hurt
But the false promises and lies cut the deepest

Giving me hope to take it away
Over and over causes the heart to decay

Until I'm left scarred, paranoid
What was left of my trust completely destroyed

You say you really love me
And you'll be different than the last three

But how am I expected to just trust you,
When I've been given reason after reason not to?

My brain hard-wired on their blatant deceit
Maybe someday we can make ends meet

But for now I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do
Maybe when I'm healed more I'll call to you

I need an escape
I need a saving grace
But every time I find one

A new safe haven
A new happy place
They trail behind
With whips and maces

Always on the ready
‘Don’t hang out with that person’
Why? Because they know how to help me?
They know how to save me?

Maybe I can blast music
Drown out those thoughts
Say what I can’t
Be my mouthpiece

A snip of the earbuds
Sends me right out of this one
Maybe if you’d listen to the lyrics
You would understand

Because my music says what I can’t
About me, about my feelings.
But no, I’ve gotta be ready
To take every single command

So snip goes the buds
And goodbye goes the friends
Maybe I can find solace with strangers
Where I can be any me I want to be

The internet, a lovely place
Nobody has to know the real you
Work together towards a common goal
No matter how diverse.

Sure, some may come off as toxic
But the internet is my home
I can make friends
Nope.

Away goes the consoles and up goes the phone
Because by golly if I were to be influenced
By anyone other than the high and mighty thee
That’d just be a disaster

Don’t do this to me
I’m running out of places to hide
Just a few remain
I’ll hide away again

This time behind the reflective blade of a kitchen knife
I need an escape
I need a distraction
I need a saviour

So I cut
Slices in my skin
Because then
I know what’s hurting me

And I’d rather be the one
To hurt myself
Than to let any one person
To hurt me.

But what will I do?
When eventually,
You take this happy place away?
Will I go somewhere more twisted?

Old perscriptions
And alcohol?
Those could work
A new ‘happy place’

Until the inevitable
Until I lose those
And I doubt it’d be long
Some things you can’t hide.

And when I have nowhere to run
Nowhere to hide
I’ll always have one option left
The trusty hangman’s knot

And I’ll end it all.

Because dead men need not to hide
They need not to run
Because they have escaped
They have been set free.

Maybe one day I’ll free myself.
One day I’ll Escape

A sweet addiction, love is.
I never realized how starved of it I was
Until our first taste

Our first hug
Date
Kiss
Meaningful conversation

Left me wanting more
Grasping at that someone
That something
That made me feel that way

I get more,
My brain likes it
Toss in some happy chemicals
Too many happy chemicals

After some time
My brain doesn’t know how
To make those chemicals in any other way
And the touch-starvedness begins

A desire to be with someone
To feel them
To be with them
To have someone that understands

But that someone
Won’t always be there
People change
Even Satan used to be an Angel.

But it’s too late to go back
My brain’s hard-wired
To the feeling
Building dependance.

I’m addicted to you.

The blade glistens in the bright moonlight
As I sit in my tent in the woods
Alone.

Through my boredom a wandering raccoon comes along
A desire
A thought
An urge

I shrug it off for now,
tossing the blade from hand to hand
The raccoon grows louder
Tying me down in my own mind

All that I’m thinking of is the blade,
My skin
And the crimson red hiding behind
It wouldn’t take much to reach it
It wants the crimson.

The blade is sharp
Waiting
Begging
The thoughts drown out all common sense

Until the blade is on my wrist
Resting
Apply some pressure
I feel it
A tingling through my arm
As I drag the blade across my skin
Crimson red pouring out
The raccoon is euphoric.

The pain overpowers those thoughts
Quiets the din of the raccoons
But my friend,
Pain is only a temporary experience.
They come back.
Wild raccoons given a taste of power
Coming back.

They louden
I give in
They quiet down
Rinse
Repeat.

Parallel lines down my left arm
Out of room
Try my other arm
The blade’s easy to hold in my numb left arm
As I mirror the cuts over to the right

I’ve given it all that I could.
Yet it comes back again
It wants more
It wants more

I give it more
They're are satisfied for now
Toss on a long-sleeved shirt
Long jeans.
Nobody’ll be able to tell
Of the things that I’ve done
for a raccoon

Until it asks for more.

I was told to write out my feelings
On a piece of white paper

But as I sit here
Half an hour later
It’s empty,

And honestly,
I couldn’t have said it better.

I’ve always enjoyed
Sitting in silence
With a book in my hand
A cup in the other

Being alone is nice
Whether it’s on a walk
Or lost in my music
It frees my mind.

I like eating alone
I like playing games alone
Or maybe just biking
Or some archery
Alone.

But when I see a mom laughing with her kid
Or a group of friends joking
And enjoying each other
Or someone with their lover
Something hits me.

For someone
Who enjoys being alone
I really don’t fancy
Being lonely.

As I stand in the bathroom
In front of the mirror
I meet my own eyes
And look hard

I’ve changed.
I’m not the me I once thought I was
But, really
Who did I think I was before?

Small details on my face
Changes in my tone
They weren’t there last time I checked
Who am I?

I used to be
The Bleach-Blond Haired
The sparkly-blue eyed kid
Not even those traits held true to me.

I hold out my arms in front of me
They’re larger than I remember
My face looks older
My eyes look tired

What is my identity?
How could I answer that?
You could ask me
For any of my favorite things

I’d give you an answer
That isn’t my own
But one I picked up
From someone else

I absorb others’ dialects
Their likes
Their dislikes
And the saddest part?

I don’t even know
Who I am
Without their answers
I don’t know

Who I was once
When I truly lived
For myself.
I don’t know anymore.

Will I ever find out who I was
Who I am
Who I will be
On my own?

The sounds of an autumn forest, the chirping of the birds,
The swaying of the leaves, The crackling leaves and sticks
On the soft dirt ground. The smells of the crisp autumn air,
Even a few deer calmly sipping at a lake. It all joins together
To create an image, a tranquil scene. Everything in its place.

But in comes the hunters with guns loaded, blood in their eyes
As they take aim, they instead fill the air with a smell
The scent of lead bullets and smoke and blood overwhelms
The sound of pops and thuds as the landscape slowly ruins
Nothing but corpses and hunters left.

They pack up their game and leave, the scene still a mess
They’ve got what they wanted, so why should it matter
If the forest sustains damage, they wouldn’t care.
Sometimes people can be hunters to others’ forests
Coming in, disrupting the harmony for their own benefit
And Leaving the scene one of discord.