I can’t say I love you yet,
But it’s been a long while
Since I felt like this last.

I wish you were here;
I wish I wasn’t alone.

I was broken beyond belief
My heart cracked and left for dead
It still quivers with the fear of helplessness

Gentle spirits of sunbeams
Put me back together again
Slowly, gently,
They called their friends,
And now I don’t have to be so alone.

I leapt somewhere new
Far from those shadows that once encased me
Now I wrap myself in feathers
And freedom is my strength.

I have ached.
I have been broken.
But I’m learning, once more
How to find joy in the gentle sunlight
In the dancing leaves, in the breeze
And in the smiles of others.

I hope my spirit will forgive
My absence.

She’s gone.

This room echoes
And it’s so much colder than before.
All my questions are written on the walls
They’ve gone entirely blank.

I have rubbed my own skin raw
Wondering where you’ve gone.

I don’t know if I’ll ever forget
The sight of your eyes in the fluorescents
Or the way your smile curves.

I know, I know,
The best things are made to end
I know that your fingers are only temporary
And yet I stumble, crumble, cling
And yet I make you my cornerstone
And yet I fill my lungs with your breath
And temper my gaze with yours.

And the truth is I know,
I’ve always known
That you’ll destroy me.

I know that your lips are devastation
And your eyes are disillusion
But if this is destruction
Then I am a ruin.

Perhaps it will fade my skin,
But for now,
I’ll bask in the sunlight of your attention.

What if
I’m not good enough?

It’s in my bones
It’s in my bones
It’s in my bones
Don’t apologize for it
Don’t blame yourself for it
Don’t think it’s your words
It’s my words
It’s my thoughts
It’s my truths
In my bones.

It drips from my fingertips
From my lips, from my eyes
From the gemstone she gave me
Dangling round my neck.

I gaze at her,
Spilling all over the floor
Staining the carpets
With my dilapidated love

Floating
A million miles up above
Holding hands with the sun
He stumbles and I fall
And we bump a little too hard

Tumbling
Half a million to go
And the sunlight is suffocating
He’s filling my lungs with panic
Its tightening my chest

Stare at me out car windows
And whisper unpleasantries
I’ll keep dancing in the street
With hair aglow and eyes alight.
Call me madwoman if you like,
But at least I’m still able to dance.

I am wavering.
My bones are not as strong as before
And my blood has run cold
And my skin is cracking with every move
And my hair has lost its luster
And my joints creak and moan,
And my heart keeps missing beats.
But they replace my bones
And wrap me in a thick blanket
And tape me back together
And brush my hair
And oil my joints
And fix my chest’s metronome.
They are keeping me together.

The walls are tilting inwards
The floor is falling out
I am spinning just barely too fast,
Nothing to hold on to,
Nothing to catch me,
I want to close my eyes.

It’s 4am and neither of us has slept
But your dimples are winking at me
We twirl slowly in the kitchen
Chests pressed impossibly close.

The sunlight is warm.
It presses the gentlest kisses fire can offer
Against my bare skin.

His hair is copper and strawberry
His eyes rich mahogany
And i know I shouldn’t.

His lips brush against my knuckles
His body curled around mine,
I don’t know who he is, it’s true,
But he feels like sunlight.

I miss her.

I had a nightmare
That I still lived in that house
Not with you, just in the same place
With the claw marks on the walls
And the tear stains on the ceilings
And not a speck of dust in sight.

I woke up in tears,
Screaming at the universe
I couldn’t live there, not again,
I couldn’t call that place a Home
Not with the ghost of a little girl
Stealing candy from the decorative bowls
Starving, but not for food.

The wind braided my hair,
It called me beautiful,
And perhaps in the wind’s eyes I am.
But when I looked in the mirror
I saw a tangled mess atop my head.

She look back at me,
And her hair is the pure sunlight
And her eyes are the vast sky.
Her cherry blossom lips curl in the brightest grin
And my chest aches something hollow
Something full.

She rests her hands on my fragile shoulders
Pushes me down into the seat,
Her shaky breath tickles my neck
Her tears run down my spine
“Relax,” she whispers, “You’re safe now.”
Her nails dig in.

You are the toiling Wind,
Your eyes are the blue sky, your touch the warm sunlight
I have seen the stars in your freckles, and the night sky in your palms
I know you often feel like you have no path,
And I know the fear of being lost resides around your ring finger
But I know you carry far more than a whispering breeze in your lungs,
I know that in your feet are proud gusts
And that your love is what screams at my window every night
You are the toiling wind
Indisputable, incorrigible, intense
And you are what carries me by my wings when I am too weak to do it myself
I know you come with clouds on your heels sometimes
But I also know you chase them off just as quickly
You are the toiling wind,
You are the gentle breeze,
You are the screaming gale,
You are freedom.

I am raw, vulnerable as she brands me
In big block letters, across my open throat
SELFISH

I’ll feed her sweetness and vinegar
Brush her hair delicately.
I’ll clean her scarred body,
Paint her face happy.
She is me, and I am her,
And someone has to take care of her.

I walked away
And I know I’m supposed to feel stronger
But my bones seem to creak now
And my chest sings hollow
And the breeze makes me shudder.

Empowerment
Feels a lot like weakness
Sometimes.

I awoke, and his words were not
A cruel, twisted nightmare.
I deserve better
Than this.

He told me he loved her
A stubborn, honest truth,
That I already knew.

I had a nightmare about you.
A nightmare where you told me
You didn’t want me.

When I woke up close to tears,
Shaking in your t-shirt,
I knew you could hurt me.

Early morning haze,
You pull me closer, closer.
Is it me, that you want?
Or do you just need to remind yourself
You aren’t alone.

I can feel the ache when I embrace you
Your chest moans against mine.
And I know the pain seeping from your pores
I press my lips to your cheek.

9:17 am
I’ve never lost a mother,
But I watched my mother lose hers.
I know the devastation that lives
In your breath, encased
In your beating heart.

Words will never fix this,
But I will always be here.

Let me bring you close,
Run my fingers through your hair
I’ll whisper sweet nothings
Press my lips to your skull,
Kiss the ache from your mind.

I know, it hurts.

The saddest part,
Is that I know with every fiber
I’d let you tear me to shreds.

If only to make you feel better,
I’d offer my own devastation.

Sleepy
With a side of sorry.
I’ll do better tomorrow.

I am stumbling blind
I know I can make it alone
I know I’m strong enough
I know I’m brave enough
But I really, really
Really don’t want to have to.

The cars fade away,
The sun turned golden,
I want to touch the water.

My palms are still skinned from that time
I fell in love with you,
And my lungs still tell me sometimes,
They cannot breathe air that wasn’t once yours,
And my chest still echoes with sobs from the piece of your heart
I know you left sitting in my chest,
It’s carved across my bones, across my skin, in my eyes,
I miss you.

They keep me entertained,
Smiling, laughing,
But I know that too soon...
I’ll be alone again.

My mother gave me demons,
But she also gave me a sword,
She showed me how to use it.
I’ll curl my fingers around this hilt.
I’ll carry it with pride.
I will not be overtaken.
I am a warrior.

Stop.
Stop caring, stop wanting,
Stop begging for someone to care.

My step sprang down the sidewalk
The wind brushed my hair.
My fickle heart...
Feeling alive.

His eyes capture the light and hold it,
Brown fires in his soul,
His hands are rough and calloused,
And his heart is worn.

Please don’t let this one hurt.

The sunrise was a blush toned haze,
Behind a great peak, this morning,
I’ve missed the absolutely joy,
Of seeing something so beautiful,
It steals your very breath.

I dreamed of a storm.
It waited on the edge of the sky,
Dark and intimidated,
And struck when I least expected it.

I ran, but the sky threw stones,
That chased me into my home.
The ceiling collapsed,
Thank God I’m alone

My mother had a temper,
She carried her fire in her voice,
In her demands and her cries.

I do not have a temper,
But I promise I still carry her flame,
It lives in my eyes, in my step.

I know, I do not burn loudly,
But don’t be mislead,
I am made of heat and destruction.

Today it snowed both here and there
But it wasn’t cold here.
I never thought i would miss 17 degrees
Biting at my nose and cheeks.
Homesick.

I enjoy his company
My heart aches for her
What if I’m not ready
To move on?

This bedroom feels more like a cell
But with every day, with all my effort
I am piecing it together.

The moss covers the trees,
Like a thick cloak, a decoration
There is so much life here.

I missed the bus,
And sat on the sidewalk while I waited.
It was dark, the city aglow,
I think I’m okay.

The horizon blushed,
As we chased the sunset,
And I forgot what goodbye felt like.