Fear is the mountain
But treasure lies
In its distant summit
Man can only fathom
How to scale the peak

War rages between hope and despair.
It is prolonged and ****** to the bitter end.
Until You are barren...empty...your body a ravaged land..
You roam, lost and disillusioned through desolate plains.
Until you are all but consumed...The angst of the human condition ******* your heels.....unrelenting...tormenting.
Like the fox who can run no more...before him a sea of snapping jaws.
At this point he knows the inevitable..
His fate soon sealed in his own spilled blood....

Hooded soldiers stomp a fruitless victory across your weary bones.
The vultures pick clean your carcass...
Greedy beaks play a victory song across your bleached white ribs,
Drawing music from your lifeless bones like the strings of a macabre violin.

In a mere breath you are gone,
Far above this nothingness world from which you now depart.
Your Awakening was ultimately your demise,
At least in the mortal sense..and yet there was a longing.
A longing to fly..free as a bird.
Beyond the departing point of misery.

If I could I would take the stars , extract them one by one .
And fashion myself a gown of light for when the darkness comes.
A myriad of twinkling jewels to guide me on my way.
My talisman to keep me safe - protection every day .

If I could I would lie me down in roses Crimson red.
Reminds me that my blood runs warm as I lie there in my bed.
Engulfed in fragrant petals, blanket of soothing calm.
A salve to soothe in times of angst, exquisite floral balm.

If I could I would call the birds from high there in the trees.
Companions true to comfort me, here in my time of need.
Voices clear, an orchestra , United in their song,
Distraction from the darkness in my mind I've known so long.

If I could I would steal the clouds from their home there in the sky,
Detach them from their blue lagoon, soft bed on which to lie.
Comforter of fluffy white to sink down safe and sound,
To save me from the black abyss, ever swirling all around.

I lie in the half light, shadow of dusk approaching.
Beside me lie the empty boxes of every prescribed drug I could find.
Confetti of blister packs surrounds me.
Too late now.. It's done!

The telephone lies within my drowsy reach.
Three little numbers.... I picture them in my head... Those three 9's that could still change the outcome .....
My index finger twitches briefly.. I see it.. Then it returns to stillness.

I feel a little sedated now....ever so slightly detached and I think to myself that's  a good thing ..
To drift away on a sea of peace and tranquillity,


I hear the most haunting melody.. Real or imagined I can't tell......then I smile to myself.
As if my exit from this world would be accompanied by beautiful music!
Alas I shall slip from this world unnoticed.. Without so much as birdsong.


I shall leave behind so little to aid remembrance  ..: no real evidence that I was ever here ,
A tinge of sadness in my drug soaked mind....
Not completely anaesthetised yet..still pain there in my heart.

I turn my head.. The telephone eyeballs me...
My finger twitches a second time .
I feel strange now.. Floaty and ethereal ,
The pain has nearly gone away.

I roll clumsily towards the telephone,
It seems to be moving away from me .. The bed is enormous,
I know there's not much time ...
I stare stupidly at the receiver.

Three little numbers....then nothing.
Nothing for quite a long while,
Then the smell of hospitals assuages my nostrils,
Wearing a crisp white sheet.. Not a shroud..

I muse  if my failure to die was a weakness or a strength?
To leave or face a nothingness world...
Perhaps there is no glory in either choice,
Each path as empty and desolate as the other....

I wondered always what lay beyond that door.
Distant and hazy, shrouded in mystery and cloaked in darkness.
I do not remember the time when that door caught my eye....
A door that others seemed unaware of.. or at least remained  tight lipped on the subject.
One autumn night I grasp the big old handle of that door,
A longing so intense, so all consuming that I can  not deny.
Its hinges stiff, its great oak frame reluctant to yield to my insistent hands.
Teasing me.. testing my resilience.. my resolve.. my drive for pleasure...
The doorway to this dark and well kept secret  is open....and I enter... this forbidden land...
The kingdom where love and ecstasy collide.
I adultturn ... my love is close behind me... I can feel his excitement,
We are naked , skin bathed in moonlight ...
Beautiful silhouette of breast and thigh, smooth plane of belly leading to moist depths throbbing with pleasure ...
He removes the leash... I am free... free to taste forbidden elixir.
He beckons ... hands cup my *******, a mouth covers mine...
My love looks on ... eyes liquid with desire,
My pleasure his ultimate aphrodisiac ....
Lips travel to my velvet core ,
Tongue flicking and caressing until I am gasping for release ....
He rears up before me and I am impaled....
A ride of sheer ecstasy and abandonment...
Pounding like a horse galloping across the moorland... wild and powerful..
I cry out... my body arched against him,this stranger to whom I was offered...
His cries muffled in my breast....his seed seeping deep inside me....
My love smiles an indulgent smile and I return to him...
The leash again in place....
The door awaiting my exit....for now...
Who knows when I will return?....

When I open my mouth
Your words spring from my lips.
The song I sing
Has your lyrics...your melody.
The road I walk endless... grinding...
Diminutive in your shadow.
Shed a bitter tear for dreams unrealised
Sense of self eroded , downtrodden,
Soon extinct.....
Rest in peace unique one.
Your differences are not celebrated here.