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I wait, untouched.
The polished road beneath my feet
vibrates with anticipation.
I look into the pitch black cave
And see the lantern burn
Brighter and brighter.
It burrows through the darkness
With a familiar fury.
With the desperation of a child,
I lean over the stripe and
Contemplate myself.
One misstep,
One careless bump,
And my fate would be decided.  
The ground shakes under me
And the underground wind sweeps my body back
I am pushed once again onto mortal soil,
And am afraid of myself.
My love can fly
From coast to coast
Over oceans
And fields
And outstretched arms.
It whistles through the air
And finds you-
Lovely and wandering.
It whispers all my wildest wants
And darkest truths
And leaves a mark that cannot fade.
My love can fly
And cover the world
And hold you when I can't.
I knew this girl once.
I won't say we were friends
Because we weren't.
I should say, she knew me.
A girl knew me once.
And I was too afraid
Too young
Too angry
To know her back.
So we pretended for a while
And then we stopped.
She stopped seeing me
Just as I started seeing her
Just as I started knowing
Just as I started being.
Time dragged me
And I tried to be blind
I tried to stop seeing
And just when I thought
I was ready
To never see again
She appeared
And drew my hands from my eyes
And looked at me for a long time.
We saw each other as we always were
As we always are
And then we turned our backs
And walked apart.
I screamed
And realized
I would never be blind again.
I remember us in bed
the most.
I think about the heat
the burn
the bites and bruises.
I think about the loss of breath
The heaving chests
The white bright lights
and rest.
But more than the fire
I think about the silence
and the way you would put your ear to my chest
and count my heartbeats.
I remember your breath on my neck
your arm around my waist
and all the nothing that was said
and cut me with its loveliness.
I remember us in bed
and try to forget the fire.
I walk the world with thoughts of you
In every place I go
Your voice is on the winter wind
Your footprints in the snow
And every tool I try to use to scrape you from my mind
Cuts your name onto my tongue
And beats me till I'm blind
I layed my head upon your knees and breathed the air you breathed
I cut myself when you were cut to know just how you bleed
Now as I walk this empty earth with nothing but a face
To breathe me and to bleed me
Until I leave this place
I stand above my bed
And examine the damage.
Blankets this way and that
Pillows all over
Sheets tangled up around themselves.
Proof of something that
Only hours ago
Left this place empty.
I take in the rubble
And breathe deeply.
I lower myself down to those
Tangled sheets
And backwards bedspreads
And fill my lungs with you.
I pull them up around me
And close my eyes
And wish for this place to be
The same kind of battleground
Again tomorrow.
Someone once asked me
If I was afraid of dying.
I said yes.
What else is there to be afraid of
Besides that?
Now, looking at you
Your breath against my neck
Your eyes searching my face
Your smell soaking into my sheets
I realize I answered like a child.
If I am asked that question again
I think I will answer
that I am afraid of one thing
That one day
Your eyes will close
Your head will turn
and I will lose you
To someone
Who isn't me.
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