I miss the way i didn’t care
A shield reflecting all opinions
Feeling of disapproval was rare
The number of acquaintances wasn’t millions
Drama would be where I sat at lunch
Not being disliked by a pair of boys
Or how I was too weak to throw a punch
My thoughts have become a killing noise
Meeting the wrong people cannot be reversed
They will haunt me forever, I can’t escape
It’s the pain that is the worst
My heart so damaged, I’ve run out of tape
To stop the bleeding, to stop the hurting
One way or another im dragged into another story
One that I wasn’t writing
Im living a life without glory

But its that gender who have so much power
Over me its suffocating
I seek ratification every hour
hate how happiness is affected by rating
I miss the old me, my old life
The people I didn’t meet, the ones that didn’t ruin me
At all times I am stabbed with a knife
Stripped of energy and ways to flee
The thought of someone wanting to hurt people
Shatters my mind, I am in shock
I have my own personal demon
Haunting me, listening every time I talk
One word and I am done for
Boys expecting me to bow down and worship at their feet
They never did before
They used to be so sweet

Please take me back
To those incredibly freeing times
I sink at every flashback
It is a fantasy I cannot explain in lines

I let go of someone
Didn’t realise the impact of my loss
A void neglected and left over by a loved one
A sea of regret with no way to get across

I miss them - when I ended it
Heartbreak isn’t the same with a best friend
Remembering that you’re the one that quit
Realising that your happiness came to an end

It was my fault, I’ll admit
I wouldn’t listen, that’s on me
My pride, I didn’t want to lose it
Now I’m begging on one knee
To take it back and travel to the past
Where I was at my very best
Ill forever be her outcast
As hurtful as the rest

She will never know my thoughts
Or the pain and longing attached
How my stomach will forever be in knots
my heart unexpectedly snatched

I’m sorry, I left
You didn’t wait for my return
I understand I was blessed
And from my actions, Ill learn

This year has been hard
Hard to understand and to endure
I’ve had to put up my guard
And I used to think the world was pure
But this year has shown me the contrary
And I can’t stop feeling hopeless
With all the pain I have to carry
Wanting to be finally noticed
Why am I not good enough?
Or good enough to be happy
What makes life so rough
Having to walk the streets sadly

Having to experience such trauma
the destruction of relationships
waiting to end all the drama
I’m tired of following the scripts
That I didn’t write for myself
The one that made me feel this way
The hurt I just want to repel
The heartbreak I carry everyday
To leave this year behind
But it is impossible
As I am confined
In a world of obstacles
Which trips me over
Every step I take
Waiting for someone to takeover
Before I fall for the last time and break

Tumble down and never get up
Not be able to walk by myself again
People expecting me to keep my head up
Whilst my heart is being drained
I just need to see some light
To show a path to joy
To guide me when I’m alone at night
As my world is being destroyed
A new Year is coming
More hope to be found
for this feeling to be nothing
And leave this reckless battleground

Today is different, painful
Happiness jeopardised by loss
Even with one more flying angel
There is no bridge to cross
To reach up in the clouds
And pull them back home
Amongst her loving crowds
As life is now monochrome

Tomorrow won’t be any different
But faith will restore your hope
Fleeting and somehow irrelevant
Falling rapidly down a *****
No more tears can heal
That void once full of joy
That now feels so unreal
Your emotions played like toys

But time will turn it all around
No matter how long that takes
You will soon hear the beautiful sound
Of laughter and the fleeing headaches
Strength and love, belief and remembrance
Will win the battle of your heart and mind
And her everlasting presence
Will never allow you to leave your happiness behind

Tumbling under the immense pressure
With Ruthless hits against the terrain
The Water overpowered like a successor
As an immeasurable suffocating pain
Ran through me, controlling me
Using my weaknesses as a weapon
cutting my screams with cruelty
surging my fear with its aggression

But letting go seemed more appealing
Being able to float above what scares you
To be able to overcome what you are feeling
And look up and see the purity in the blue
The weight of heartache isolated
Absent from your mind and thoughts
And The glimpse of light located
To be reunited with the ones you lost

But reality is always much harder
No matter who doesn’t deserve it
One must learn to wear armour
And be ready for a hit
Some bigger than others
But each one taken as they come
As life is a ring of colours
And clarity is never an outcome