i never wanted nothing else
than to be an honest man
but there's only one way
for me to execute this plan:

not talking to my family or friends
not even saying goodbye
cause every time i talk to them
all i say are lies

i could be an olympic athlete
in the hundred meter limp
i could write a best selling novel
about all the things that i never did

i've sailed across a thousand seas
but that's just the distance
from the bed to the tv

i tried to **** myself when i was just fifteen
i tried it again when i was seventeen
i never tried it after that
but i still smoke a pack a day

i fall in love
every month or two
i never turn down
a fresh heart
to consume

it's not enough to have your love
you have to have my pain
because love is fickle
one day it will fade
but you'll still have my sorrow
happily long
forever after
I forget your name

If clenching your jaw
is how your body prepares
for getting punched in the face
then what does that say
about my teeth so ground down
they're falling out?

I'm trying to learn how to stop hating myself
so that maybe
one day
I might even learn how to love myself

I think about the good things I have done
and try to understand the circumstances behind
all the not-so-good things I have said and done.

I think of the beautiful women
who maybe understand me better
than I understand myself

H is quitting a job she doesn't hate
because her boss told her that
she has to wear a god ****** bra
--I love her for her conviction
--she loves me, too, for some reason

A has got these voices in her head
and they're mad at her for being too busy this weekend to get ******.
--I love her for her tenacity
--she loves me, too, for some reason

M is off to Mexico
excited and afraid to pursue her dreams
instead of just talking about them
--I love her for her ambition
--she loves me, too, for some reason

If my love is reciprocated
by the three most beautiful women
I have ever had the pleasure of loving
perhaps I should find some way
to hate myself less
if only so
I can
love them more.

I've never shot up ******
it's not that I'm above it
I just don't know where to buy it
and even if I did
I'm too lazy to leave my house

I used to have two ****** friends
one is dead
one got sober
I don't know which one I envy more.

I wish that our bodies
had services lights
the way our cars do.

That way,
wherever I went,
I could light up the room
the way I used to
before I got so sick.