I quit drinking because
It made my stomach sick
I quit cutting myself because
I ran out of space for it

I quite being sad because
It took a lot to cry
I quit ******* up because
It takes less effort just to try

I don't have enough hope to be hopeless
I don't feel enough to be numb.
I've lost too much to claim
that I don't have anything left.

I don't know what's sadder:
that this has happened,
or that I would let it all
happen again.

Every time you cry
You look so beautiful
And every time you lie to me
I believe you
It happens all the time
It happens every night
And I don't even want it to be true
'Cause then you wouldn't be so far away
And I think that I love you more
With every step you take in the opposite direction
From me

And all those things you said
You said so many awful things
You said that your smile was chained down
Deep inside of you

For every time you lost yourself
I gave you twice of me
I ripped my soul in two
One for me
And one for you

And every time I try to love you
It fails in the exact same way
It fails just like it did the first time I
Laid my eyes upon you
Reached my hand out toward you
Felt your heart as hard as stone
Colder than the Winter that you left me

I do not know if I would still love you
if you were a happy person.
I do not know if you would still love me
if I was in less pain.
I do not know if I would still love you
if you were less depraved.
I do not know if you would still love me
if I hadn't pushed you away.

I do not know the point of the exercise
or why we dwell on what cannot change:
You are not a happy person
and nothing can fix my pain.
I claw away at those who love me
and you will always be
depraved.

When I see you in dreams
you are just as miserable
as I remember you to be.

When I see you in dreams
you still carry your desperation
your unadulterated shame
proudly impure upon your shoulders

When I see you in dreams
I find myself undone
by the same intense shock of
love and fear
that brought me to this point
to begin with:

where I can only see you in dreams
and we are both just as sad
as I remember us
to have been.

It is sad to see
how many people I
can love
without coming any closer
to loving myself.

i feel so empty
so do you
we feel so empty
all of us do

strangest friendship
we were not friends
we were
only
what we thought
we could see of each other
from the mirror

a splinter in my nail bed
i never can sleep
disconsolate perspectives
on what i can't see
left only to imagine
what we might have dreamed