Knowing that you're toxic,
Doesn't seem to change how I feel.
I know it's probably " trauma bonding"
But my love for you is real.
I know that you don't care,
And you're never going to change.
But that little piece of hope that's left,
Just will not go away.
You have shown me many times,
What you think of me.
But then you come in with sweet words,
That I KNOW don't mean a thing!
And yet still I accept them,
Praying this time that they're true.
But of course, I know the deal,
The only thing you'll ever love is you.

As the sun sets,
on all of our plans,
I accept the things,
I still don't understand.
And looking to the moon I sigh,
as one last tear escapes my eye.
I've tried everything,
that I can do.
But the choice it seems,
wasn't for me,
but you.
It's ok.... and I will be just fine.
Your heart simply wasn't,
meant to be forever mine.
The stars in the sky,
gently shed light on the truth.
My love for you was real,
and my pain is the proof.
Dawn starts to break now,
So I guess I made it through,
Last night was the first night,
I didn't sleep next to you.
As the sun starts,
to rise over the shore,
my pain and my love for you,
Begin to fade more.
So that each moment hurt less,
then the moment before.

I fell in love with a version of you,
That does not truly exist.
I created that person within my mind,
And it's time that I admit this.

I wanted so bad to believe that you'd change,
Simply because you said that you could.
But actions speak louder than ever your words,
And your actions say you never would.

Loving you was the most exquisite form,
Of self-destruction and torture for me.
But do I regret of that I'm not sure,
You did teach me what love really means.

Because of the treatment the lies and the hurt,
Cheating on me all the time.
You showed me exactly what love is not like,
Now I know what to go out and find.

When infatuation fades away,
fast-beating hearts do slow.
That's when real  true love starts,
loves not easy didn't you know?
It takes work and it takes commitment,
to keep that love alive.
So to throw away four years of love,
For fleeting butterfly's?
Regret will surely envelop you,
when you realize what you've done.
When butterflies as always fade,
and things you've lost are gone.  
There will be no coming back,
You can sit in your regret.
I will not be looking back,
Your name and face I will forget.
I won't accept false apologies
No more "let's try one more times."
You threw away what it was we had,
You chose the butterfly's.

9 years now it has been,
another year went by.... yet again.
My heart it still aches,  
you consume all my thoughts.
The sound of your voice though,
a memory I've  tragically lost.
Time never heals you,
it just makes things fade.
So I worry with terror,
will I soon forget your face?
Sometimes when I'm alone,
I picture you here next to me.
Then I pray that you're not,
Because you'd hate what you see.
It shames me to say it but you would be ******,
if you saw how I royally ****** up my ****.
Many choices I've made that I now regret,
Despite all your warnings,
Uncle,


         I'm addicted to ****.


I hate it so much I need your help,
I am completely and fully ashamed of myself.
Your Tweety Birds broken,
beyond repair?
Why did you leave us,
Uncle it's not ******* fair!
Everyone tells me you knew I loved you,
I can't help but wonder....
Would you still love me too?
After every wrong choice
and all my regrets,
after losing my girls,
Cuz' I'm addicted to ****
So how would you do it?
Still love who I am.....
I don't think you could do it,
Don't think anyone can.

9 years now it has been,
another year went by.... yet again.
My heart still aches,  you consume my thoughts.
The sound of your voice,
a memory I've tragically lost.
Time never heals you,
it just makes things fade.
So I worry with terror,
will I forget your face?
I try to hold on to those far away days,
to keep them from slipping and fading away.
Desi will be 9 soon and Lily's now 2,
I wish oh so much they could have met you.
You would have loved them,
they would have loved you.
But the fact is you're gone now,
so there's nothing I can do.
Your Tweety Bird misses you every day,
on this day every year,
another piece of me breaks.
Because although you technically left the 17th,
today was the day that YOU ceased to be.
I lost you uncle 9 years ago today,
and I still regret the things I didn't say.
So yes every year I'll come here and cry,
be angry with the world and again ask you why.
Why did you have to leave us like that,
And tell you that all I want is you back.
I love you so much and I hope that you knew,
I'll try to remember that you loved me too.
If I don't stop now I'll keep writing forever,
so I think it's time to end this sad letter.
I love you uncle forever its true,
I will always remember the days spent with you.
Goodbye, I love you and I miss you more,
Then ever I thought possible before.
Sincerely,
Forever and always
Love your,
Tweety Bird.

Never before had I felt so betrayed,
it's like all those promises, never were made.
     Joke was on me though, for thinking that true,  were any of the words, spoken by you.
     Like shattered glass, in pieces it's torn,
my heart, it was broken, beaten and worn.
     Used for convenience, or maybe it was for fun?
     But did I truly deserve, everything that you'd done?
     Did you get enjoyment, from the tears that I'd cry?
      It felt like you did, I still don't understand why.
      Promises were broken, trust was shattered; no repair.
      And then, you had the nerve, to try to tell me you cared.

The day my heart was ripped from my chest,
And the air left me all in one breath.
Was the day that I first heard them say,
They were taking my baby girl Lily away.
And it's been two years now,
Time sure does fly.
Every minute that passes me,
I'm more ready to die.
But **** is evil and it has no soul,
It will devour your existence swallow you whole.
And still, more of you it will demand,
Until every part of you, it will have.
Take take take is all it will do,
And yet somehow you think the powers with you?
**** is so deceptive sneaky and cunning,
You can try to stop it but there is no point in running.
You probably won't ever escape from its clutches,
Only about 2% of addicts have permanently done it.  
Those aren't hopeful numbers at all,
But if you don't get away now,
only further you'll fall.
Deep deep down descending to hell,
Everyone knows it except you, you can't tell.
So please if you're thinking of trying this evil,
Stop it's not worth the pain that you'll feel.
And if you are stupid and don't take my advice,
I give it a year before you say I was right.
And if that's the case,
Well, there is not much I can do.
So go on keep using,
****, it seems was stronger than you.

There are things about me,
Things that I do.
That makes me hate myself,
when I talk to you.

See you remind me,
That I could get clean.
But addiction is so strong,
When it's methamphetamine.

It's not like any other,
I've done lots of drugs before.
But this stuff is toxic,
I hate it but need more.

Can you even imagine,
What it's like for me?
Hating it every moment,
And wishing to be clean.

Every time I take a hit,
It nearly brings me to tears.
I know it is the reason,
I've missed Lily's first 2 years.

Can I even stop using it?
Want to but don't know I can.
Years of pain I've been numbing,
I just don't understand.

Like every waking moment,
Of my life is nothing but ****.
So as I sit there thinking all this,
I exhale and take one more hit...

He had promised her the world,
When first they had met.
Fast forward about 4 years,
All she's been given was regret.
Trust and loyalty broken,
To many times to count,
She Gave him all her love,
And he just threw it out.
Never did he ever care for her,
She finally realized,
Every word he spoke to her,
Each of them all lies.
Nothing but abuse he gave,
The only tangible gift.
All she ever wanted,
Was to just be only his.
And still he always would cheat and lie,
and when faced with the proof,
he just denied.
So you see her time it's wasted,
But she won't give up yet.
Because shes stuck there waiting,
For the man she met to come back...

Rose's with thorns waiting to draw blood,
a heartbroken girl who thought she had been loved.
The inky blackness of skies on a moonless night,
finding comfort in the darkness she always hid from the light.
A shadow of a doubt that's caused by the knowledge,
and all of her thoughts about everything he did.
Slowly the wounds in her heart started to ache,
still, the only person she wanted had caused her this pain.
Chance after chance and forgiveness she tried that,
now cold and defeated in the dark is where she sat.
The shadow keeps growing she can not escape it,
but in her denial, she refuses to face this.
Wishing she knew what her next move should be,
stay wrapped in his torment or be abandoned but free?

This isn't what you promised me,
what you said it would be like.
This is a constant uphill battle,
and still, you win every time.
You said you'd make me happy,
that's the impression that you gave.
Instead, you only ruined my life,
you had my kids taken away.
And still, you won't leave me alone,
please just get out of my life.
To those who said I'd regret it all,
well it turns out you were right.
Drowning now in "what could've been's"
ruminating on my regrets.
I wish I'd never met you,
so yeah......
F... you Crystal ****.

Why do we keep doing this?
I think it's time that I gave up.
I really truly do love you,
but it seems you don't give a f....
If you don't want to stay,
well then maybe you should leave.
Because with each betrayal,
"I love you" gets harder to believe.
And no that's not what I want for us,
but I won't sit watch you cheat.
So if you're not able,
to be honest with me,
then I think it's best if you leave.
The ominous and growing feeling,
I have deep in my chest.
Says that us together
probably isn't for the best.
There are things I don't understand,
like what is it that's wrong with me?
cuz you wouldn't want to f..... everyone else,
if I was "so ****"
And maybe you'd want to spend your time,
with me instead of just them.
If I still wore a smile all the time,
as I did way back then.
What I need you to understand is,
I didn't make that smile fade.
What stopped me from being happy,
was the choices you chose to make.
And maybe if you were sorry,
and never did it again,
then I'd be more comfortable
and could trust you once again.
But trust was broken so many times,
probably way too many.
I don't know if the trust is still possible,
I don't believe you deserve any.
Everyone has patterns,
of behaviour that they do.
Yours seems to be lying to me,
and mine sadly is loving you.

At first I thought I'd miss you,
after I went away.
But then I realized the truth,
you already avoid me everyday.
So I don't need to worry,
about without you what I'll do.
Because you've already taught me,
how it is living without you.
At first I thought you would miss me,
when you couldn't hold me to you.
But then I figured out the facts,
you don't need me cuz you have you.

I feel that all the weight,
of the earth is just on me.
I have no one to help bear the load,
and this weight is crushing me.
I can see a future though,
where I might be alright.
It's gonna take a lot of work,
all my effort day and night.
Truly everything I want,
for my life, I can attain.
If I can just set my mind,
to not use m* again.
It's harder than I thought it'd be,
to kick this nasty habit.
But if you truly want something,
then work hard and you can have it.

I've been resisting this for quite a while,
I've been avoiding it and been in denial.
I didn't want to have to say goodbye,
I really wanted to believe you'd try.
But now I've come to see the truth,
there's no more love for me from you.
It hurts me more and more each day,
I wonder why your love did fade.
You seem to only want me or choose,
To see me if I have something that you can use.
That's not fair and it's not love,
Love me truly? I wish you could've.
But soon ill meet the one to heal my heart,
someone who'll care  my true counterpart.
I do deserve and I will find,
A partner who WANTS to give me their time.
Their love will never have to be forced,
because for them loving me,
won't be a chore.
You can do you now and I will do me,
and then we can see how happy we'll be.
I will find someone to love me for real,
and maybe one-day yourself you will heal.
If that day comes I'll be happy for you,
but please don't come back,
I don't want a round two.
So I am a bit sorry,
But I've given you time,
to prove that you loved me and that your only mine.
I no-longer desire  being stuck here with you,
you can go find someone who won't care what you do.
Its been a long time now that I've put off this letter,
never saying goodbye because goodbye means forever.
Now though I'm ready this is my last thing to say,
I loved you for real but it's Goodbye Shay.

This world is so crazy and so full of pain,
her heart slowly breaks when she hears his name.
No, but it's not for the reasons that people expect,
it's for all the good memories she can not forget.
Regret fills her soul when she thinks of her life,
wishing she hadn't answered his phone call that night.
Never walked down the path that led her to him,
never starting a game that neither would win.
Never making mistakes she thought she never could.
Never believing he'd change,
just 'cuz he said that he would.
Never wondering why she was not good enough.
Never thinking abuse was actually love.
She'd never wonder where her smile went,
and why did it fade?
Did it go all at once,
or by little each day?
Reality hits her when she re-lives her mistakes,
And as regret slowly drowns her, she feels her heart break.
  
  

-Hawley  Anne.

Don't know how to accept the truth,
That I know is real.
But your actions make very obvious,
what you say is not how you feel.
I beg of you time and again,
to just be honest, please.
But it's obvious you never cared,
or even listened to my needs.
You simply wish to have your way,
doing what you think you must.
Even though it has done,
nothing but **** my trust.
You always say you promise,
then rage out if I ask.
But you still hold all those habits,
that show me you put me last.
Why do you insist on claiming,
that you do love me?
When lies betrayal and abuse,
are the only gifts you've given me.
I've begged you " please stop cheating"
I'll beg you one last time.
Cuz' if this time nothing changes,
then I'll have to say goodbye.
I deserve honesty
and a partner I can trust.
I had wished it could be you,
but I'm almost ready to give up.