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845 · Oct 2017
....
Nyk Oct 2017
Sometimes, when I lay in bed, things crawl into my head. They tell me how to think, as I fall asleep.
351 · Aug 2017
Please, Just Hug Me Again.
Nyk Aug 2017
It's so simple, but so amazing. The safety you can feel in one's embrace. I hadn't seen you for awhile, no, it wasn't very long but somehow it felt like forever. When I seen you, I do not know if my breath hitched or if my heart skipped a beat, because all I could see was you and that beautiful smile. Then you hugged me, you pulled me close and simply whispered in my ear, "You miss me, don't you? I know you do." I nodded and closed my eyes, the two seconds encounter felt like a lifetime, a lifetime of peace and safety, and security. As we parted ways all I wanted to say was, please just hug me again.
295 · Aug 2017
Untitled.
Nyk Aug 2017
I know I'm easy to get sick of, but do people always have to make me cry?
I know I'm overly sensitive and fragile, but it's not my fault.
I often wonder why people can't be sensitive, it's as if it would **** them.
I'm left, alone, crying myself to sleep.
I'm always forced to ask the question, "why does the one I love the most hurt me?"
Was it on purpose? Or was it a moments mistake?
If I died, just faded away would it hurt you? Would you regret what you had said?
Cause I think that way, I'm careful with the words I say.
But you refuse to dig deeper and then just leave, I question what I mean to you, you know what you mean to me, it's fine.
I'll sleep, and I won't bother you until you want me.
251 · Jul 2017
Love.
Nyk Jul 2017
In and out.
I can feel my lungs.
They stretch and constrict themselves for you.
They cry and live in pain for you.
Because you always take their life away.
You make it hard to breathe. You make my heart feel like it just ran a ten mile track race.
You slowly **** me.
In a good way.
It makes me realize that I am alive and there's nothing so bad about this.
It shows truth in love and that such a fairytale feeling can exist.
Though. Does it?
Is this feeling really love or merely lust within my veins?
Many lust for *** but I lust for the way your eyes look at me.
I long for the feeling they give to me.
To be around it, is to not breathe easily, to be without it, is to not breathe at all.
237 · Aug 2017
Why?
Nyk Aug 2017
You don't like the color of my skin.
May I respect that? Or would you only hate that too?
I've been in your home and have never stolen from you, I've never done one thing you believe people of my color would do, but you still hate me for the thought of it.
I'm barely black, but you don't care.
I could be white, you'd still hate my curly hair, it's just you.
I've never judged you for being you, in fact I've respected it.
You're racist and I've learned to be okay with it, it doesn't bother me.
Until you made it hard for me to fall asleep.
We just wanted to see each other, my girlfriend and I.
He said things about me, they didn't make me cry, instead they flared hatred inside.
Not for him, but rather myself.
I didn't want to see my skin and I slept over and over again.
Because every time I fall in love, who I simply am, ***** it up.
224 · Oct 2017
I'm Sorry
Nyk Oct 2017
You make me sorry for wanting attention
But I know you love me.
NOTHING could tell me differently with everything you've showed me.
But why do you get angry when I ask you to call? You told me you would....
And why is it that you don't want my attention?
You know how I am
Bursting with affection!
But still I feel the need to say sorry
Every time you say something that stings me deep down.
I want to curl up in a ball, regretting that I miss the sound of your voice like it's something to be ashamed of.
I want to forget the way that it stung to hear those words, how my stomach dropped and my blood numbed, just like it always does.
I'm sorry that I care, I'm sorry that I miss you.
But I truly can't be sorry that I love you.
215 · Sep 2017
Oregon.
Nyk Sep 2017
I miss the sound of crunching leaves, victim to our druken teen feet.
My soul aches for the way you used to look at me.
I miss the way you'd line up with the trees, smile at me and breathe in disease.
Almost as beautiful as the smoke in your lungs. I miss a lot of things, but I'll never miss what we've become.
206 · Aug 2018
8/7/18
Nyk Aug 2018
"Why God?" He asked, tears threatening to spill over. He picked at the metal of the train track as if it would fix his broken heart.
And then when he least expected it, God said.
"You'll never be enough, and for that, I am sorry."
198 · Aug 2017
Thoughts I can't control.
Nyk Aug 2017
There was once a little boy.
His family treated him like  a toy.
None of his friends liked him, though he was fine being alone.
They wouldn't let him be and they wouldn't let him sleep.
They laughed at everything he did.
He searched high and low for that gun.
He thought "the world has had their fun."
He put a bullet in his head, and he was fine with being dead.
195 · Aug 2017
22:26
Nyk Aug 2017
A moments anger is an unspeakable enemy, that causes unthinkable pain that is never forgotten.
192 · Aug 2017
Letting Go.
Nyk Aug 2017
I never thought you were meant to be in my life forever. Maybe that's why it didn't hurt to let you go. Once, I thought maybe we could be pretty good, we could work, but that wasn't the way it ended up. I still wonder how you're doing now, even after all you did to me. I hope you're okay. I will never find the answer myself because, I never will seek it out. We're apart, I have to let go now.
190 · Nov 2017
Untitled.
Nyk Nov 2017
Do you know how much it hurts to not be enough for anyone else?
Maybe it's because I'm not enough for myself.
I am hurt from the lacking of everything.
I thought you truly loved ME.
Too hurt to write.
Short, meaningful.
189 · Aug 2017
Giving Up.
Nyk Aug 2017
When she walked in and exclaimed "WHY" I couldn't answer, for I was already dead.
184 · Oct 2017
Apocolyptic Prayer.
Nyk Oct 2017
I'll never forget your red knees.
Or the way you clutched that book.
You said today's world has you afraid.
You close your eyes screaming you can't look.
I look outside and I see quiet, I understand why you're scared.
You whisper to yourself a quiet prayer.
"There's only crazy people out there."
I grab your hand and look in your eyes, "there's no one there, on ones alive."
181 · Aug 2017
Untitled.
Nyk Aug 2017
Last night my wall was breathing, yet you insist that I'm fine. You think I'm lying and I can't understand why. I feel insane because I see things I can't explain, meanwhile you say I'm probably just tired. I would guess I've been tired for years now, watching these things drown my sanity and leave me with no way out. They take all passion and inspiration I can find. They leave me wishing I would just die.
177 · Aug 2017
Maybe.
Nyk Aug 2017
You would almost think that maybe, just maybe, the anxiety coursing through my veins would stop when the blood poured out but it didn't. The harder I grabbed my head, the harder it pounded through. Rushing, expanding my veins, bursting cells and leaving my mind hanging on a cliff!
I thought that maybe, it would solve it all, but I was wrong.
Please forgive me.
166 · Jul 2017
00:28
Nyk Jul 2017
I decided to do nothing other than write.
Throw my loneliness into a place where it could be understood by like-minded people.
My mind has never asked for much more than to be understood.
How do we understand somebody? What makes somebody easy for us to be around when we shake at the mere thought of interaction with an outside world?
What makes it so easy for some of these people to just make us happy? That one person that just makes us, free.  
For once we can breathe without thinking about it, for once our ribs are not tied together by our minds and a ****** wrist is no longer the way to feel alive.
To look into their eyes and feel your heart beat is the only thing you need to feel alive. To feel understood.
To feel the anxiety cower into a corner, and for once you smile. You smile until the depression creeps back in, and slowly, so slowly you walk away, leaving behind a lifetime of happiness.
153 · Aug 2017
Untitled.
Nyk Aug 2017
Yeah, we're crazy. I thought that's what was supposed to be of young love. Just, crazy, for no reason at all. Maybe that's how we make each other, I know it's how you make me. Sometimes you make me so crazy, I shake. Sometimes you make me so crazy, in a bad way. It's a good balance. The thing I find really crazy is that when I look out into the water, I see the gentle ripple of life in it, it makes me speechless, it makes me smile, it's something that simply can't be explained. Somehow, a feeling I never thought I could feel with anything else, I feel that way when I look into your deep blue eyes, and I can almost imagine the ripples within. Once again, I'm speechless, and I smile.
Nyk Aug 2018
You'll realize,
no matter how much you beg or how much you cry,
you have far less value in their eyes, so let it come as no surprise when you're never by their side.
149 · Aug 2017
4:08
Nyk Aug 2017
You don't need to bother her.
Yes, maybe you feel like you'll break down, you're anxious, you don't feel alone, you're waiting for the hallucinations to start playing their games.again.
Just breathe, because you'll be fine.
Yes, you want to run to her, you want to say, "I'm not okay, and I need you right now." But knowing that'll only bother her you decide against it.
You just close your eyes and try to go back to sleep with a lump in your throat and a prayer for tomorrow, and you think of her and ignore the fearful tears that fall down your cheeks.
You know she'd care, but you fear she wouldn't and you would only bother her, despite her words.
And you sleep alone, uncomfortable, unsettled.
139 · Aug 2017
Untitled.
Nyk Aug 2017
Why doesn't it hurt people to lose me? At times I feel like maybe it's just me, maybe not everyone shows emotions like me.
Why am I expecting so much from someone when I forget people have emotions half the time?
Why is it so easy to ignore me but so hard for me to stay away for five minutes?
I then find myself thinking that it's just easier to leave me behind.
That I shouldn't have ever gotten attached to anyone, because they let me go so easily.
We were supposed to be best friends forever, remember?
But that moment came when we said goodbye in the worst way and you didn't even try.
I guess both of our lives have been easier since then, but I'm left with someone who barely talks to me even when I talk to them.
Whom of which I must ask for their attention. Yet I love them and would never ask for anything different and for that reason I never find myself wishing. I only want to know why you didn't even try to stay, maybe you can answer that someday.
128 · Jan 2019
Jan 2019
Nyk Jan 2019
Instead of sewing the pieces of our broken hearts back on, we stitched them to each other and when you ripped away I bled for days, while you stitched another.
Did we make a mistake? Or just do things the wrong way?
121 · Aug 2019
Us.
Nyk Aug 2019
Us.
Let's write a book.
Just you and I.
We can fill it with all of our happiest times.
Our luckiest moments.
You fill the first line with yours,
Then I'll write mine.
Mine is obvious, the moment you came into my life.
Yours is short and unspecific: "The moment he walked into my life."
We spent a lot of time putting life into that book.
And you lied about everything.
About loving me, about wanting me.
You let me go, and you burned our pages.
And all of my love, went up with the paper.
111 · Feb 2018
Untitled
Nyk Feb 2018
A Heart Is Never Fully Healed Until It Is Content With Never Getting What It Wants.

— The End —