I have never understood it either.
Being alive, but unable to live.

Do not listen to the voices,
to their words.
My brain is a command center for all of my demons.

They know.

How to be dead, but able to live.
They live through me.

The thought is always on my mind,
how my mind is really not mine.

a.n.p

Life's a trip,
what can I say ?
You get hurt,
move on.
Your heart breaks,
sew it up.
Misunderstand something,
get the truth.
And when people tell you something,
try believeing them for a change.
It might open up some great opportunities for friendships, relationships,
or just a chance at a great life in general.

       *(a.n.p.)

Sometimes I think
If I had planted
Roses instead of
dandelions
part of me
wouldn’t constantly be blown away
with even the slightest
of breezes.
Or maybe every time
I wished
for you to love me back
I wouldn’t keep
losing myself.
I should’ve known
that no flower
especially one as beautiful
as you
would ever love me
because
she is a June Peach
and I am nothing
but a
mere dandelion,
and with every chance I get
I’ll wish for you,
then you'll disappear.
While she blooms more stunning
each and every year.

*a.n.p

And just like that,
that part of your life is over.
And a new one has begun.
Good things happen
& bad things too.
No matter the impact on your life
even if your world stops
Time will continue to pass you by.

I love sleeping,
really I do.

Something is so tempting about the dark.
When no one can see you,
& there's a thin line between
the shining stars & your scars.

I will always cherish the moments
when your body is quiet
but,
your mind is loud.
As I wake up, each morning my mind resets.
Thinking things are different,
the sun clouds my vision.

That's the dark I loathe.
The one that makes you think today is better.

I was just dreaming.

a.n.p

A week after you left, I didn't know how to live my life.
I didn't know how to fall asleep or how to go to school.
I forgot how to simply be myself.
A month after you left, I felt okay.
I remembered how to fall asleep & go to school-but not without a fight.
I wasn't myself, I was different.
3 months after you left, I laughed.
I fell asleep willingly & went to school because that's what would make you proud.
I recognized the person in the mirror.
I was me-the person you made me.
It's November 27th & I am not okay.
I miss you & your smile & your quirky laugh.
The holidays have made it but you have not.
I remembered how to fall asleep, but forgot how to wake up.
It is November 28th- Thanksgiving & 6 months you've been gone.
I saw you in a dream last night, but then I remembered ghosts are see through-they do not want to be seen.
No one ever said you couldn't see an angel.
**a.n.p.

Sadness thrives when you are most vulnerable.
It consumes you when you dwell on the past.
It wants to eat up your happiness,
So you can not feel it anymore.
It injects mourning into your soul,
So that is all that you feel.
I know that it is hard.
I will not say that I know what you're going through.
I will not say that I understand,
Because death has always been a subject that perplexes me beyond words.
I will say, that you will survive.
You must rejoice in the memories you have shared.
Not in the simple truth you are scared.
You must face reality so that you do not lose yourself in a fantasy.
He would want you to go on.
He would want you to remember all the times that made your life worth living.
Not the times that you feel you aren't.
Do not dwell in your sadness.
Live in your happiness.

*(a.n.p)

I like to think
that i am not alone.
That if i needed;
someone would be there.
That my call would get answered
or my love reciprocated.
But i know make believe
is for children;
not the lost souls
who are just
lonely.

a.n.p

Summer sun,
winter air.
Here we are together,
standing there.
Hands intertwined,
i feel your heartbeat close to mine.
Our sweet laughter becomes one,
just the same as the starry July sky & the blazing summer sun.
When i get cold you wrap me in your arms,
& quickly take me away from all the worlds harms.
You walk me home like the gentlman you are,
then you kiss me beneath the the moon & the stars.
It's getting late & your mom expects you home,
you kiss me one more time & it's time for you to go.
You leave me standing there all alone,
but the feeling follows me all the way home.
Even when you're not close,
between our two heartbeats i feel yours the most.
I am lost in your beautiful brown eyes,
even though im staring at the big blue summer sky.

      *(a.n.p.)

I used to think you were
never around enough.
I took for granted all the times
you asked to go out
or
tried to have a conversation.
I used to think the time you had
wasn't meant for me
but more for someone of your desire.
I used to tell myself
"Next week we will hangout"
but now
there are only weeks filled
without you.
I used to think you were
never around enough.
But now that you're gone
I can see
how present you
really were.

*(a.n.p.)

Time moves on
and so do you
While i just lie there
like an untied shoe
Each word you say
with the sting of a whip
Afraid to move
afraid to trip
Speech impaired
heart is drained
Your voice can remove
even the slightest pain
You own my heart
like the words of a song
There is no way
to right this wrong
You sold me out
to save yourself from falling
When i whisper your name
i know you hear me calling
As i still wait for you
here by the phone
My life perishes away
like the skin on a decaying bone

         *a.n.p.

She is hurting.
her lips dance a pretty smile,
while her heart calls for death.
She lives in fear of being alone
because that's all that she's ever known.
Her simple eyes are constantly swimming in a sea of salt,
and drowning in a pool of fear.
Her innocence is lost
along with her mind.
She dreams of being able to speak without her thoughts being restrained by shackles.
Every night, the moment she lost her soul plays over
and over again.
And each time she starts to feel, she is reminded of all the times she lost a piece of her heart.
The eternal silence in her mind
blinds her every chance to be happy.
She can't ever sit still because the last time she stayed in place
she lost it all.
There she stood as her life slipped between the cracks.
As she watched her happiness fade away
the light that was once in her eyes flooded down the drain like the soap you rinse from your body.
And she is numb.
*a.n.p.

if you could feel
just one thing.
something.
anything.

what would you do in order to feel it?
what would you sacrifice to find it?

is losing your mind worth it?
Losing yourself?

if you're looking for something,
try looking within yourself first.

a.n.p