Uncharted

So it seems things continue to be convoluted
Despite my love, it’s difficult, maybe I should be substituted

My wish, is that I don’t infect others in my scheme
I have hope, I dream

Yet, those that fall are left without
They see, they doubt

Worthiness is an expectation that often I cannot meet
Told before my mind, my thoughts, defeat

Can’t be the regular guy, one who simply exists
I have a mind, ideas and they twist

No changes needed, it’s a walk I must endure
soulmate, friend and lover, I am sure

Truly inept at keeping those close
Tragic, lonely at times, life continues, happiness and I oppose

Days will be great and nights fun
Yet in the end, absent of commitment who has won

Time
Time
Moving, never slowing
Choices to be made, never knowing

It’s time

Difficult life can be, decisions, choices who does it serve

Often mistakenly, selfish I am called

Despite my heart, my love, I simply observe

So I have built a wall

A wall that keeps me safe, content but ultimately alone

I trust those close yet sometimes expectations arise

Pulling me, to a place unknown

Just living and trying to satisfy others, that is my prize

The next chapter the next life I hope to do better

There is another chance? There is more

I sit, ponder, should I send a letter

The world spins, circles the sun, I continue to be unsure

Unsure
Unsure
Wondering
Wandering

Now what?

Calendar

So the year changes and we’re supposed to change as well
I am not certain if that is truth or a spell

Life is what it is, turning a page is a metaphor for change
Yet most of us continue the path, it’s all arranged

New year new me, not, awake and see clear
It’s simply a new year  

A calendar page that lets you know you’ve aged
Grown or not, new year is a figment of imagination, how does one gage

I like to think of life in stages
Hopefully the upcoming year will have you engage

Interact, be present and show you care
Happy life, happy friends and happy new year

Reflection

Deep in thought, seeking some clarity
What the hell is wrong with me

I have the best of friends, family that loves
Yet, happiness eludes, what becomes

Destined to watch and wait
I believe happiness is too late

Too late for me, my window has closed
Will just enjoy those that I know

Sip wine, tell tales of a life I once had
But honestly I remember and I am not sad

Given a good life I made my mistakes
Mistakes, choices, I am awake

Own your past, your present and future

Own it
See it  
Move on

Awhile

So life it seems never pans out
Expectations fall short and there is doubt
What to do, decisions appear, what now
Be thankful they say, but thankful for what, how

How does one move on from the past
Find something true and that will last
Never worthy of love that is me
I haven’t ever been truly able to see

See the things that matter most
Afflicted with a state, unable to sustain, not yet diagnosed
With a yearning to find a quality life
I stay mired, stay solo, wallowing in strife

I could change it, I could learn
Yet I have a pain that still burns
Unknowingly I travel the roads, looking for something I do not know
Someday, yeah someday, I am hopeful, my destiny will show

Can’t

It seems like only yesterday that I left what I knew
To begin a journey, make a fresh start somewhere I would know few
I have made my way struggling at times
Yet there is comfort and peace as the sun shines
Returning “home” brings mixed emotions
Leaving that place was an elixir a potion
It has made me who I am and has brought joy
Being here again, reminds me of why
It is painful, I’ve often cried
Moving on was a decision for me
It has shown me the way, I can finally see

Why

So as I think, review and contemplate

Realize that, oh, forget the state

State of my life, state of relationships and all is intertwined

The things I review, instead of moving ahead, keep me confined

Unsteady and unsure

Trying to keep up, but failing I am sure

Why, why do I not see past the trees
See what is in front of me

My pain is self inflicted
My life self… self conflicted

Time to grasp what is important and dear

Time to be and no longer care

No longer care what others say

Live my life, tomorrow is a new day

Others can judge and think they know
Yet, what do they show

Most are faking and wish they could be me
Simply living and being free

Go away all you judgmental fools

I am me, I like what I see, drink your drink and continue to be cruel