I know you need this
The thinking part of me knows this
I think we both see how things would have ended if it wasn't for this
We just talked for the first time since we went on this break
A quick check in
and you said you really needed this
and I know you meant
that you can be better know
and in the future we can be happy
and I know you said that this wasn't my fault
that this is just how life goes
But my heart whispers in the night
If I was a better guy I'd still be able to talk to you
If I was strong enough to bear our collective pain
then I wouldn't be worried about all of this
At the end of the day
I am having trouble accepting that I just wasn't good enough
I'm never good enough

I think we can both sit down and say
This is good for us
This will make us better in the future
We will go through the tunnel of hardships
Alone
And come out the other side
And be together
I think we can both sit down and say that
But I've had enough conversations with God recently
Spent to many hours driving across the earth
I know how this story will end
I know when we see eachother again
Things will be different
You won't feel the same way
Or maybe we will get back to normal
But drift apart after a time
You, in your infinite kindness
Have a small spark of life in an otherwise dead heart
And God, in his infinite wisdom
Took this now Luke warm heart
And told me no
That I'm not allowed to be happy
You were the closest I ever got
And even though you say this isn't my fault
And that we will see eachother at the end of the tunnel
I know how things like this turn out for me
And I hate how I will put myself through months of this mental hell
Just for a shot to be happy

I'm not sure if I want you to think about me
And the heartache associated with it
And the fondness for the future
Or if you shouldn't think about me at all
And focus on making the present better
But forgetting what we were
The only thing I know
Is that I didn't think I'd be this cold
On these warm winter days

On the day I reached this milestone
I said I'd start looking to publish
But I was content knowing you were some of those views
And know that things are silent  between us
I can only care about you reading all these words again
And figuring out what I mean
when I write about you
I am tired already
But I know this is for the best
serious casual
I never knew what you meant by asking that
I wonder if I answered wrong
And thats why things happened the way they did

So you drunken fools
Want to know the story of us
After what just happened
Yes yes remember the good times
The first time we met
The other first we had
Yes ask me to remember
And make my heart ache
You drunken fools
Why would you do this

When I was younger
I had the idea that I wasn't supposed to be the main character
this was for a lot of reasons
the two biggest ones were that
I never really felt important enough to anyone to be a main character to them
and main characters usually had happy endings, something that as my life continues on seems to elude me
Sometimes I get the silly idea that this is my destiny
Holed up in the upper layers of a library
Furiously typing these words in order to avoid doing real work
Writing about how I'm not allowed to be happy
That every time I get close to to love or happiness
life gives me a giant *******
and I retreat to the only place where I matter
A lone room in the uppermost floor of a library
But that can't be the case?
I mean, everyones allowed to be happy at some point right?
I can't go through my whole life like this, can I?
I get something for these years of hell
please
please I just want this pain to go away
I don't want a lot out of life
I just want to be happy
Please God or whatever is listening to this
I'm sorry for everything I've done
I'm done with all of this
Please just let me live in peace
Let me be normal
I'll do anything you want me to
Just tell me what to do to be happy
Please
I can't keep going for much longer

See know, thats the big secret
at the end of the day
we are all just a set of characters in a book
we share the same story as so many other people
too many others
so many that no building would be able to contain all of them
and when you see this secret
its not a big step to see how your story will end
so when you say these words
words that have been said with nothing but bad outcomes
I can't help but dread this time around