abiding the time I never had
Waiting for the tides to turn
In a war where I stopped fighting
In a place I stopped caring
High above the city
The weary vagabond sleeps
Waiting for his time to come
Day by day
Season by season
This wasn't the life he asked for
Wandering these halls instead
The worlds behind closed doors
We're supposed to be the concrete illusions
That he desperately needed
But the windows to the world
The real one this time
Are the only thing that he travels to

It's the showers where you can't feel the water
It's the times when you don't know here the water is coming from
It's the times you stand dripping wet
Numb to the cold air
Numb to the winter
Numb to your feelings
It's the showers after the long nights
Letting the water flow across your skin
You don't know how long it's been
Christ what did she look like?
It's the showers were you can't get out
Where you are so tired you almost fall asleep
That's where you'll find me
If you ever came looking

I think this has to be some sort of test
everyone in the family has to do well
its idiotic to say
but our lives are decided by this test
(and every test from now)
but thats the price to pay for being in the family
the constant thrill of almost being kicked out
the nights spent reading, studying the details of life
how we are supposed to work
and the part that applies infinitely more to the real world
how we aren't supposed to live
that a grain of salt in the wrong place
can cause the happiest of people to **** themselves
that the smallest nerve out of place
ends the careers of gods
we are supposed to know how to help those unfortunate souls
whose luck has run out
we are so lucky to be able to help them
until our luck runs out

1:30 on a Sunday night
That's when everyone found out the secrets about me
The lies I told
The ways I manipulated them

Look before I go to sleep and wake up back in the other me, I can feel him fighting me now, please you have to listen, I need to find you, I need to find you soon. I need to fall in love and have someone fall in love with me. I need to tell the truth and tell you all that I can't do this for much longer and that the things in my head are getting worse and I can already tell the other me is changing what I'm saying and please for the love of God, why God won't you help me, please I don't want to live like this, I can't live like this, I can't take this. I'm going to end up doing something stupid and I'm so afraid of what that might be. I'm so sorry Gavin. I'm sorry Andrew. I'm so sorry for admitting defeat. Oh god I need help. I can't recognize the man in my mirror. Why can't I remember what I look like? Why can't I just die and stop feeling so ******* sad. Why can't I just feel something please for the love of God please let me feel something other than anger. I'm sorry God, I'm so sorry for not believing in you, I'm sorry for all the people I hurt. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry

Leaves falling to the ground
Papers falling into the void
I can't remember what they all say
Stories of a life long forgotten
and a future just beginning
shreds of a person
scattered in the wind
sometimes a few of the pieces touch
creating a new story
little bits of an incomplete story
constantly searching for the final pages
The writer just wants the story to end
its gone on to long
far, far to long

if  there was a way to get back home
to get away to sleep
to move out of this room
self seclusion is just as real as forced
the only difference is you are the jail and the jailor
but I need to do well on this exam
it seems thats all I ever think about anymore
and these words aren't supposed to reflect that part of me
and for that I am sorry

no matter the new look
no matter the new way of thinking
no matter how many times I'll say I starting over
no matter how many times I say I'm quitting
no matter the setbacks
no matter the successes
it was never enough
it will never be enough
because I refuse to let go
I refuse to see I to eye
I have to win this
No matter the friends
No matter the therapists
I have to beat this by myself
Because any other way
Would be fake in my eyes